


Coloring Inside the Lines

by BreakfastWithLu



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background LeoPika - Freeform, Child Abuse, Friends to Lovers, Gay Killua Zoldyck, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health disorders, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Mutual Pining, Trans Alluka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 51,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreakfastWithLu/pseuds/BreakfastWithLu
Summary: Gon is a college student who has a burning hatred for all things routine and is always looking for his next thrill. He meets an interesting undeclared major, Killua Zoldyck, at a club event, and immediately they hit it off and become fast friends. Suddenly Gon feels as though his life’s greatest adventure is beginning.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 258
Kudos: 342





	1. Of chai, cheap wine, and questionable actions

“You seriously wouldn't date an accountant?” Kurapika asks, his coffee mug full of cheap red wine he bought from the drug store down the street. He sips it casually, his pinkie raised jokingly. A mug isn’t his preferred method of drinking alcohol, but he doesn’t want Gon feeling left out because he can’t have any. 

Gon downs the rest of his drink. “Hell no! They’re so boring! What do they even do all day?” Gon holds out his dinosaur mug towards Leorio expectantly. “Number stuff?”

Leorio rolls his eyes as he pours more of the lukewarm tea into Gon’s mug. Kurapika and Leorio’s second wine bottle of the night sits comfortably on their dark wood coffee table, right next to the metal tea kettle, an odd pair. 

Gon continues his sober ramble. “Numbers aren’t real, I am convinced. I think math is made up by calculator companies to sell more calculators.” 

Leorio gives him a look, his glasses dangerously low on his nose. “Gon, that doesn’t make any sense.” Kurapika turns and pushes Leorio’s glasses up with his own finger, Leorio doesn’t even notice. 

“You don’t make any sense.” Gon sticks his tongue out at him before taking a sip of decaffeinated chai. Leorio would have suggested chamomile earlier, but he knows the mere thought of chamomile makes Gon want to scream violently into a pillow, so he decided against it. 

Kurapika slams his drink down, grabbing the second wine bottle of the night, he pours himself some as he talks. “Would you date an accountant if they were, like, sexy and—wait what's your type again?” He asks as he hands the bottle to Leorio.

Gon thinks for a bit as Leorio tiredly pours himself more wine. “Uh, I have three requirements. Anyone who identifies as a man or like, nonbinary, and is my age, and looks like they could beat me up. Which granted, isn’t a lot because I’m like, really strong and will fucking destroy anyone.”

“Yeah okay, sure” Leorio says.

“So, like, imagine a sexy James Bond—” Kurapika starts.

“James Bond is already sexy,” Leorio cuts him off. 

Gon groans. “But he’s British and I would need subtitles to talk to anyone from the UK. And I don’t even like Britain.” He pouts, the last of the mug’s warmth seeping into his palms.

“Fuck Britain!” Leorio screams.

“Yeah fuck the British! The Beatles suck! There, I said it, the Beatles suck!” Gon adds on, he is easily riled up. Gon once got a whole gay bar to sing YMCA with him. The DJ almost kicked him out of the bar purely out of spite, but everyone who was immediately charmed by Gon fought against the DJ and his facist regime against improv acapella. 

Leorio gives him a look. “The Beatles do suck, but I mean like, fuck Britain cuz they’re colonist pieces of shit,” he says as he lays down, his head resting in Kurapika’s lap. Gon watches from his spot on the opposite arm chair. 

Kurapika places his hand on Leorio's chest and holds up his coffee mug triumphantly with his other hand, “Girl Boss'' written on it in hot pink. “I’m gonna toast to fuck Britain and all the countries they fucked up. This is for you Ireland, and you India, and you South Africa—actually no, wait, that was the Dutch...” He trails off, pondering about Dutch affairs. 

“You mean Belgium?” Leorio asks, looking up from his spot on Kurapika’s lap.

“Belgium _is_ the Dutch.” Kurapika says, looking down. 

Gon hums. “No, then who’s the people from Dutchland?” 

Kurapika’s fingers scratch Leorio’s chest lightly as he stares at Gon, dumbfounded. “You mean _Deutschland,_ and that’s German for Germany.” He says. 

“Wait, what—for real?” Gon asks, taking a big sip, the chai smooth down his throat. Its cinnamon and cardamom aftertaste on his tongue. The tea is now cold. Gon detests cold tea. Tea is supposed to warm up your insides; that’s how he thinks it should feel when he’s drinking tea and his friends are buzzing warm and loose from alcohol. Alcohol is just another thing that his body isn’t allowed to have, and Gon would usually ignore that restriction, as he does with everything else, but he's only 19. He can’t buy it himself, and he definitely cannot drink at parties (especially when he doesn’t know anyone there), and there's no way in hell Leorio would let him have any after last time. 

Gon stares at the cold tea left over in his mug, the spices swirling around at the bottom. He thinks about ancient tea leaf readers, _scribes_ , he thinks they are called, for a bit before Leorio pats him on his leg, drawing him out of his wandering thoughts. Gon looks up and smiles, setting the chilled mug down. Leorio notices, and understands what that means. Kurapika and Leorio won’t be drinking anymore either. 

“Yeah, and that's where the word Dutch comes from.” Kurapika nods, still talking about Belgium. Drunk Kurapika means a talkative Kurapika and Gon always enjoys his drunk history lessons. 

Leorio is now sitting up, his head off of Kurapika’s lap. Kurapika’s hand crawls itself over to rest innocently on Leorio’s knee. “Huh, you learn something new everyday,” he says.

Gon looks contemplative. “That makes sense, that's probably why when I hooked up with that guy who said he was Dutch I asked him if he had ever been to Dutchland before and he said what part—then laughed at me when I said I thought it was a country.” 

Kurapika frowns, his happy buzz fogged over by protectiveness. “He laughed at you? In the middle of hooking up? Who was this asshole?” 

Leorio rests a hand on Kurapika’s shoulder, soft cotton under his palm. “To be fair, Gon was being stupid.” 

“Hey, shut up, I may be dumb and a little clueless but I am not stupid.” Gon pouts, crossing his arms and sinking into the chair a little. 

“Wait, was he blonde?” Kurapika asks.

“He was Dutch?” Gon says. 

“That didn’t answer my question, what was his name?” 

Gon turns, still sulking in the chair. “Oh, I don’t fucking remember. That guy was so lame.” 

Kurapika sighs understandably. He lays his head back against the sofa. The alcohol sits warm and tingly in his belly. The candle he has out is glowing softly, its pumpkin spice scent carrying throughout Leorio and Kurapika’s apartment. Kurapika lets his eyes shut. 

Leorio looks at Kurapika’s closed eyes. He turns back to Gon and raises his recently plucked eyebrows. “Damn, that’s a little harsh. Was it that bad?” 

“No, he was just lame.” Gon shrugs, his posture bad as he fiddles with his fingers. Now he isn’t holding anything with his hands, no hot tea to drink, and his palms feel oddly empty and cold. He feels his mind wander without the stimulation of heat in his hands. He barely remembers anything about that Dutch guy, all he remembers is the guy asking if he wanted to, and Gon didn’t have the heart to say no. But Gon never has the heart to say no, to anyone. 

“What do you mean lame—I swear to god, Gon, did you ask him to pull a knife out?” Leorio gives him a leveled stare. “You gotta stop asking people to pull knifes out during sex.” 

Gon sinks further into the chair, his arms up in defence. “All I am saying, is maybe if they weren’t such pussies about it and just brought the knife out like I asked I would be a bit more relieved.” 

“GON WHAT THE FUCK, WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION ALREADY.” Leorio screeches, waking Kurapika up. Kurapika looks up groggily. 

“Yeah well—” Gon starts.

Leorio cuts him off, wagging a finger in his face. “NO ONE SHOULD PULL A KNIFE ON YOUR THROAT! What if they accidentally slit it—you’d be DEAD.” 

Gon sits up. “That's the point, it's about the thrill of having a knife to your throat—” 

“You know what, Gon,” Kurapika says. Leorio and Gon turn to Kurapika, his cheeks ruddy as he smiles goofily. 

“What, Pika?” Gon asks, smiling, his eyes twinkling in anticipation. 

Kurapika looks very thoughtful, almost like the bronze statue _The Thinker_ , “I feel like you’d date an assassin, would you date an assassin? I feel like you would date an assassin.” Kurapika says. 

Gon sits up, he is very intrigued. “Oh fuck yeah one hundred percent, they’re probably cool as shit,” he says. 

Leorio chokes. “You would rather date an assassin than an accountant, someone in a respected profession with a stable and reliable income?” He asks, offended on behalf of the hypothetical accountant in this dating scenario. 

Gon smiles wide. “Fuck income and reliablity! Also I feel like assassins are a respectable profession—” 

“What the fuck, how—” Leorio begins to ask.

“Some people deserve to die.” Kurapika cuts him off, matter of factly. 

Gon nods. “I agree with Kurapika, except if you’re gonna kill someone you gotta kill em with your bare hands. Cause, like, if I am not strong enough to physically take your life I don’t deserve to kill you. And that’s that.” He stares intensely at his friends. His brown eyes golden in the light from the candle and the lamp beside him. His eyebrows determined from the sweet buzz of warm tea and spices in his veins. Gon’s cheeks are flushed from the the heat of his sweater mixed with the heat of the candle’s flame, his resolve in his eyes is passionate and honest. Leorio should feel taken aback if this wasn’t a recurring thing. If he didn’t deal with an intense Gon in his living space almost every day. 

“That is an intense principle, Gon.” Kurapika says in appreciation. He has always had a soft spot for Gon. Ever since he met him last year, he felt a tender spot in his heart open up for the younger man to stay in.

Leorio, though he feels the same, shakes his head at that. “Gon, you are insane.” He says before he can stop himself. He immediately feels guilt bubble up in his gut, like alcohol causing acid reflux. 

But Gon just rolls his eyes at that, smiling, his grin crooked and without effort. “Leorio, I didn’t spend two months in a mental health facility this summer for you to call me insane.” Gon says, his smile is so charming and cute, completely contrasting against the context of what he just said. Leorio and Kurapika never know how to respond to Gon whenever he brings _that_ up, which is not often and usually only when they are alone. Gon smiles and he sighs before he continues. “And you act like this is new information, you know how I am, yet you still invite me to your beautiful home.” 

Kurapika breathes out, smiling, before he quickly decides to switch the topic as his face goes deadpan. “This is the cheapest apartment Leorio and I could find. I don't know if I would call it beautiful.” He says, sarcasm lit in his grayish-brown eyes.

Leorio gasps loudly. “SHUT UP KURAPIKA IT IS BEAUTIFUL.” he yells. 

Kurapika looks at him. “You killed a cockroach like ten minutes ago with an empty wine bottle.” 

“We all kill cockroaches, everyone kills cockroaches—” Leorio begins. 

Gon raises his back from the cushioned spine of the armchair. “Speaking of killing—” 

“NOT BACK TO THE ASSASSIN SHIT,” Leorio speaks loudly, running a hand over his face, exasperated. 

Gon ignores his friend. “I would date one. I bet they know how to have a good time. And they know how to use lots of weapons so it's, like, sexy.” He says.

“What the fuck—” 

“Like I bet if I asked, they would pull a knife on me—” 

“STOP ASKING PEOPLE THAT!” 

Kurapika hums. “Okay but what if, what if, hear me out, what if they were, like, assigned to date you and kill you for a mission and they kill you while you are asleep?” He looks at Gon, his eyebrows raised. Gon laughs at that, Kurapka is such a shit disturber when he’s drunk. 

“That's a win-win for me baby,” Gon says happily. 

Leorio shakes his head at them. He points at Gon. “No. Do not romanticize this fake assassin love interest, please, I'm begging, this is like the time you guys made me watch that Polish Wattpad porn movie.” 

Kurapika turns to Leorio, giving his boyfriend his best impression of the mafia male lead from the movie in question. “You lost babygirl?” He asks, voice dropped low. 

Leorio throws his head into his hands. “STOP, NO MORE,” he groans out into his hand. Kurapika laughs loudly, his laugh deep from his belly, laced with cheap wine and warm happy emotions. 

They all laugh at that. Their laughter dies down into a comfortable soothing silence. Kurapika and Leorio’s limbs buzzing still from the alcohol, warm and slurring. Kurapika looks at them, his eyes droopy, still tired and cozy from earlier. He gets up from the couch. 

“I hope you both don’t mind, but I am tired. Gonna go sleep.” He says.

Gon and Leorio nod at him, they wish him goodnight and watch his body disappear into the darkness of the only room in the apartment. The bedroom door lays ajar. They turn away from the door, and hear the sound of Kurapika moving the duvet. The cotton shifts loudly as he climbs into his side of the bed.

Leorio looks at Gon. “It's kinda late, you can just sleep on the pull out. I can drive you back tomorrow?” Leorio says. Gon nods as Leorio goes to get up to get Gon some sheets and a blanket. They've done this many times before, so Gon even has a toothbrush in their bathroom’s cupboard But Leorio is too drunk to consider brushing his teeth, let alone think about toothpaste, and Kurapika clearly wasn’t thinking about his teeth either. And if Gon can get out of any boring routine in life, he will. Brushing his teeth is nothing but another chore to Gon and life is full of these meaningless chores he despises so much. So, if he has even one opportunity to skip brushing his teeth, washing his face, taking a pre-sleep piss, he will. 

Gon nods. “Yeah, okay, I have practice at 6am though.” Tomorrow is his Friday practice. Gon shudders thinking about how his tennis coach is gonna make him practice serves over and over for an hour non-stop. He hates that part of practice, it's just like brushing teeth and pre-sleep pissing but slightly more bearable because he’s being active and sometimes talks to teammates while they practice serves. Though, he would much rather just do a scrimmage game, or even just rally. 

Leorio sighs as he taps Gon on the shoulder and stops Gon’s thoughts. Gon looks at him. “Gon, what the fuck, why did you even come over it’s almost 3am right now.” He makes it more like a statement, rather than a question. More like to show Gon that it was a bad idea, rather than ask why he did this. 

Gon shrugs. “Oh, it is? I’ll just stay up then, it’s only three hours.” 

“Gon.” Leorio says firmly. Gon looks away. 

“What?” He asks, feigning innocence. 

“You gotta stop this.” 

Gon stares at Leorio’s potted plant that he gave Leorio almost a year ago. He is over-watering it, Gon can tell by the slight yellowing of the marginata’s dark green leaves, he can tell by the dampness of the soil as it sits static in the ceramic white pot. 

Gon can’t meet Leorio eyes. “Stop what? I haven’t pulled an all nighter in like, a while.” He tries fruitlessly to bypass this conversation. He has jumped out Leorio’s window once to get out of a conversation, he’ll do it again if he has to. 

Leorio sighs, standing up finally. He gives in too easily to Gon. “Yeah okay, do whatever. Just try to sleep well after practice.” He says. 

Gon throws his head back, staring at the ugly popcorn ceiling. “I can’t, I have to finish my lab report.” He whines. 

“Fine then, after that.” Leorio stands solid. He sounds like a nagging parent. Leorio cringes at that image of himself, he is around 7 years older than Gon after all. 

Gon groans, irritated. “You know Wing has been on my ass about my meal plan. I need to get groceries. And eat, at some point.” 

“Fine, after you eat your daily vitamins and minerals then.” Leorio closes his eyes and rubs his temple. 

“I will eat dirt.” Gon says in a way that always makes Leorio’s eyes roll back into his skull.

“Stop it.” Leorio says. 

“Vitamins and minerals are in dirt.” Gon pouts immaturely. 

Leorio sighs loudly and moves to sit back on the couch across from Gon. Gon doesn’t peel his eyes away from the ceiling. Leorio grimaces at the Hello Kitty bandaid on Gon’s neck, where he nicked himself shaving. “Gon, come on, please. I worry about you.” 

It's quiet for a while. Gon breathes loudly. He closes his eyes harshly. He opens his eyes back up. The lamp light above him blinds him a little. “You don’t have to.” Gon says softly. It is almost a plea. And Leorio has heard this voice from him before, but everytime Gon says something to make himself sound small, Leorio never knows how to respond. 

Leorio looks at his younger friend. He remembers meeting him in his Human Bio class, he was doing research with Gon’s professor, and Gon needed extra help. He would help him with labs, and edit his lab reports. He had grown fond over the boy in a short period of time. And now he watches him, his own eyes holding back tears he doesn’t fully understand. 

Leorio sighs. “Well I want to. You’re my friend, I care about you, I don’t want you to burn out by the time you’re 30—which you will if you keep going on like this.” 

“By the time I’m 30?” Gon asks, voice quiet and thoughtful. 

“Yeah.” Leorio watches Gon’s face. Gon brings his head from up at the ceiling and looks at Leorio. 

Gon gives him a crooked grin. “See, I was aiming a lot lower actually—”

“Gon.” Leorio frowns. 

Gon’s grin gets wiped off his face. He looks away again. “Sorry.” he says, more to the coffee table than to Leorio. 

The room grows quiet again. It doesn’t last long. “Have you even been going to the therapy sessions the school sets up for you?” Leorio asks, concerned. 

Gon groans and looks up at him. “No. You know I hate them—”

“Gon.” 

Gon frowns, it's a small frown, the one that always looks odd on his face, like it isn’t Gon’s frown, it belongs to someone else. Leorio wishes he would never see Gon make that face again, but it's a false hope. 

“Stop saying my name like that. I don’t like it when you sound that way.” Gon makes the quiet plea again. His voice sounding small and weak. Too honest to a fault, too sad with the quietness of fun arguments gone, too bitter with the aftertaste of oversteeped tea on his tongue. 

Leorio again, doesn’t know what to say back. “Sorry.” Is all he can come up with. 

Gon isn’t looking at him. “It’s okay.” He says, it's more a whisper, and Leorio wonders who that was directed at. Himself or Leorio. 

The silence that follows is heavy and awkward. Leorio is sobering up too quickly for his body to move as fast as their heads. 

Leorio stands up from the couch, he begins walking over to his bedroom, he looks at Gon from the doorway. 

“Try to get a little sleep?” Leorio asks. 

“Yeah, okay.” Gon answers. Leorio knows it’s a dumb thing to ask so naively. But he can still pretend that when he slides his bedroom door shut softly, Gon would listen to even a word he said. 


	2. lack of sleep and spikeball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER TWO is here! Yay! We get to meet Killua and Alluka in this chapter! And if you guys expected a slow burn I AM SORRY, but lets be honest Killugon would fall in love immediately.  
> ALso, thanks Rosie for editing my work!! <3  
> ANYWAY thanks so much for reading hope you enjoy!!

As Gon sat staring out the window in an uncomfortable wooden library chair, he had a miraculous idea. 

“What would happen if I just  _ didn’t _ do my lab report?” Gon asks his friend across from him. Zushi groans and looks up from his Macbook. He shoots him a look. The third floor of the library isn’t the quietest but it's not loud either.

Zushi’s Hunter University tennis jacket is zipped up to his neck, it looks ironed, while Gon wears his own matching jacket unzipped and wrinkled to match the massive eye bags under his eyes. Gon got no sleep last night, and he may or may not have forgotten to eat the breakfast sandwich Leorio microwaved for him. It sits in a ziplock bag in his backpack. Speaking of eating, a timer on Gon’s phone goes off. 

Zushi turns back to his work, he is accustomed to Gon’s meal timers. 

Gon groans and ends the lunch timer he has on his phone while the dinner one begins to tick. He gets up. 

“I am gonna go to the cafe downstairs, want anything?” He asks Zushi. Zushi looks up at him with a big cheesy grin, but before Zushi can rattle off his order Gon cuts him off. “Okay, so a vanilla latte with soy milk for you?” Gon laughs a little, grabbing his student ID and hydroflask. 

“Yes please, also extra—” 

“Extra espresso shot, yes I know.” Gon smiles, waving as he heads down to the staircase. He passes a water dispenser,  _ ah yeah I gotta fill up my water bottle,  _ Gon reminds himself as he swings his empty hydroflask. He had some water earlier during practice, but he knows he should probably have more. If only filling up his hydroflask and forcing himself to drink distilled room temperature water wasn’t such a chore. 

As Gon hobbles down the staircase, two at a time, his thighs sore from yesterday's practice merging with today’s, he sees someone tabling inside the library. The club logo shines big and bright as it’s taped on a folding table. 

The person sitting at the table has bright red dyed hair, and a shirt with an anatomical diagram of a squid on it.  _ Sick, _ Gon thinks.

“I like your shirt!” Gon calls out as he approaches the entrance of the cafe. The person in question looks up and grins, then sees Gon, and Gon doesn’t ignore how their smile falters a bit at him. He would be lying if that little dim in their smile didn’t hurt his feelings a bit.

“Thanks, Gon!” They say. Gon wants to ask how they know his name, but he stopped doing that ever since people started getting offended he couldn’t remember their names, or that they shared a class, or that Gon had chatted with them at a party or school event. So Gon just stopped asking and started trying his best to not let on that he didn’t remember who they were. His memory was a bit lacking, and it partially wasn’t his fault, so what could he do about it other than play along? 

However, Gon isn’t stupid, he knows if this person is tabling they probably have a name tag somewhere. Gon looks at the shirt, and sure enough there's a name tag “Ikalgo, they/them” the nametag states. Gon smiles. 

“No problem Ikalgo,” Gon says he looks at the fliers. “What's this for?” 

Ikalgo smiles brightly at him, Gon can tell it's half fake, but he pushes that observation aside before he can dwell on it. “Oh, it's this event the GSA club is doing to get fundraising for the Boys & Girls club downtown. Wanna sign up? it's today at 7—there's gonna be pizza.” Ikalgo asks. Adding on the free food is usually an automatic yes for college students.

_ Fuck, _ Gon thinks. There's no way he can say no to fundraising for the Boys & Girls club, even if he hasn’t slept, and still has four assignments to do. He just won’t go grocery shopping. Yeah, that works. He also isn’t  _ technically  _ supposed to eat pizza, but  _ a  _ meal is better than  _ no _ meal. 

“Yes! I would love to!” Gon says, as Ikalgo turns their laptop around to a Google sheet. Gon smiles as he types in his name and student ID. There's quite a lot of people on the list, Gon is a little excited about the event already. 

Ikalgo smiles at him and hands Gon a sticker. Gon looks at the sticker offered to him, it's a mix between the hands of the Boys & Girls club logo and the LGBT rainbow flag. Gon gives out a little happy dance as he takes it. 

“This is cool!” Gon says, immediately pulling it off and putting it on his empty neon green hydro flask covered in environmental and tennis stickers. “Thanks!” 

Ikalgo gives Gon a real smile this time, and Gon shines at that. They say their goodbyes. “See you at seven!” Ikalgo says as Gon’s body is halfway through the cafe opening. Gon gives Ikalgo a big grin, his teeth showing as he waves, walking backwards into the line. 

He looks up at the cafe menu, deciding what he is gonna get in his head. _ Iced vanilla latte with soy milk and an extra shot for Zushi _ . Peppermint tea, grilled vegetable Focaccia with an apple and a protein bar for him.  _ Shit, the breakfast sandwich, gotta throw that away… _ Gon reminds himself, as he goes to the counter to give his order. The thought is immediately forgotten the moment he talks to the barista. 

He is excited for tonight, now he just has to eat and do some work. He can get through it. He wont like it, but he can do it. He knows he can. 

* * *

Gon almost forgets about the event, but as he wakes up after falling asleep on a metal outdoor table, he hears a bunch of people rushing to the side of Netero hall and the Yorbian dorms—aka the freshman quad. He looks up and sees the GSA club’s logo. 

“SHIT!” Gon says aloud to himself as he scrambles to get over, he hopefully isn’t too late. He told Ikalgo he would go, he even signed up for it, there's no way he could let them down. Especially when they seemed oddly disappointed in him earlier. 

Gon tries to push away the memory of their smile that faltered earlier today as he is approaching Netero hall’s quad. 

Walking to the tents, he gets his Student ID scanned and writes on a name tag, sticking it on his chest proudly, and walks through the Dollar Tree balloons. On the large span of grass, there's a ton of mini games, and Gon gets excited like a child, quickly running over to Spikeball. One Spikeball group has a dog! A service dog, but a dog nonetheless, and Gon loves dogs. 

He rushes up to coo at the black service dog. “Do you guys mind if I join?” Gon asks the pair of people. He pries his eyes off of the adorable black lab on the ground to look up at the person the dog’s leash is tied to, but his eyes go straight to the tall person with silver hair standing beside them. Their silver, almost white, hair is cut into an interesting mullet, shaggy bangs in the front going in every direction, it's almost shoulder length in the back behind their pierced ear. Two small black gauges sit in the person’s earlobes, and Gon thinks they look really cool. Gon looks at them and the person gives him a smile, their eyes turning to the person to their left, the one with the service lab. Gon looks for a name tag on the dark haired person,  _ Alluka, she/her.  _

“Sure!” Alluka says. Gon smiles brightly at her. Her long hair is in a ponytail, and her sundress is really cute, a nice yellow color with brown buttons. 

“Yay!” Gon cheers reaching out his hand. “I’m Gon,” he says. 

Alluka smiles and shakes his hand, her nails are pink and sparkly. “Alluka!” She says, “And this is Nanika!” She gestures to the dog. 

Gon brightens at that. “Hi! Nanika!” He squeals at the dog. The dog just looks at him, its dark brown eyes soft. Gon gushes at how cute the dog is then turns back to the silver haired figure. Gon goes to see if they're wearing a name tag, and notices it.  _ Killua, he/him  _

“Hi Gon. I’m Killua,” Killua says. He reaches out his hand, black nail polish on his nails. Gon grabs the hand and shakes it, looking up from the pale hand to see squinty blue eyes stare back at him. He looks from Alluka and Killua, they have similar features, and look around the same age. 

“Are you two twins?” Gon asks as he lets go of Killua’s hand. 

Killua and Alluka laugh at that. “No, just a brother and sister!” Killua smiles and wraps his arm around his sister. “She’s a freshman, and I’m a sophomore.” 

Gon’s heart rate spikes at that.  _ Adorable, _ he thinks to himself, smiling. “I’m a sophomore too, I’m studying marine bio.” Gon says, picking up the yellow spikeball off the ground while Alluka unwraps the leash from her hand and tells her dog to stay. Nanika moves a bit away from the net on the ground and lays down. Gon smiles and hands the ball to Alluka, then he looks to Killua.

“I’m—” Before Killua can say anything Gon cuts him off. 

“Oh,” he notices it's an odd number. “We need a fourth person.” Gon says to them, then turns back around to see if there’s anyone he knows (the name to) to call to come over. He spots a shorter boy, short brown hair, black tennis jacket—

“ZUSHI!” Gon screams to him. Nanika doesn’t even budge at Gon’s screaming, just lets out a yawn. 

Zushi whips his head around. “GON!” He yells back. 

“SPIKEBALL?!” Gon screams to his friend, and this makes Alluka laugh loudly. Gon smiles at that. They just met, but Gon doesn’t want either of them to get bored of him. 

“HELL YEAH!” Zushi starts jogging over. Gon turns to Alluka and Killua who seem amused. 

“There, now there's four!” Gon smiles wide at them as Zushi comes over. Zushi smiles. 

“Hi, I’m Zushi.” He says as he reaches out a hand. 

Killua smirks. “Yeah, I can hear,” he says jokingly as he shakes Zushi’s hand. 

Gon laughs at that while Zushi looks at Alluka, and Gon watches his younger friend get a little nervous. He laughs more at him, Zushi glaring back. They begin playing, and after about five minutes, Gon decides he is having a lot of fun. Killua is just as competitive as he is, and it forces Alluka and Zushi to give in and let them play by themselves for a bit. 

Killua and Gon are in an intense Spikeball match right now, they are both way too far from the round net on the ground, both going crazy to try and make trick shots. Killua tries to end the game with a swift and perfectly aimed kick, causing the ball to hit the corner (that counts) and ricochet to where Gon can’t possibly make it, except this is a match point, and Gon doesn’t want to stop playing or lose, so he dives for it, faceplanting into the grass. He would definitely get chewed out by Leorio if he saw that. He taps the ball back with the tips of his fingers and watches as it lands at the net. Turning over from his spot in the grass, Gon sees Killua looking at him, his blue eyes blown wide. He then lets out a big laugh, before he falls to the floor, snorting and clutching his stomach. 

“Are you an idiot?” Killua says between his laughter. Gon smiles as he gets up, he is laughing too. 

“No, I just like to win.” Gon says with a shrug, his eyes sparkling with pure energy and competitive drive. Killua looks at him and wipes tears from his eyes. 

“I sure hope so, I don’t want our tennis team to be the state's laughing stock.” Killua says pointedly, gesturing to Gon’s tennis jacket. 

Gon fake gasps. He can’t stop smiling. “How dare you imply such a thing. We only lost every single California D3 tournament since 1998.” 

“Wait, really?” Killua’s eyebrows raise up. 

“Yeah,” Gon says, he rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. 

Killua lets out a quick laugh. “You guys suck.” 

“I detest that statement.” Gon tries to pout but his smile won't go away. 

“Is that even the correct usage of detest? I don't think it is.” Killua teases as they begin walking over to Alluka and Zushi. 

“Anything can be a correct usage of a word if you try hard enough.” Gon states, very confidently. 

“I detest that.” The smile that Killua makes as he teases turns Gon’s knees into jello. Talking to Gon is easy for anyone, but Killua especially finds himself comfortable in the dark haired boy's presence, something very rare for him. 

“What, so you can say it and I can’t?” Gon’s cheeks hurt and he wonders if Killua feels the same, because the tall silver haired boy hasn’t stopped smiling either. 

“Yes, exactly Gon.” Gon almost blushes at the way Killua says his name while they continue walking over to Zushi and Alluka sitting in the grass. 

Alluka looks at Killua, “Wanna go to a party with the two of us?” Alluka asks them both. 

“There's a party tonight?” Gon asks Zushi, almost hurt Zushi didn’t ask him earlier. 

“Yeah, at Zepille’s, you would know if you checked the tennis group chat.” Zushi says. Gon groans, remembering the twenty-something numbers in his group chat that don’t have names attached to them. 

“You know I hate texting.” As Gon says that a timer goes off on his phone. “Shit,” Gon mutters. He forgot to eat dinner, that's his  _ you didn’t eat, didn’t you? _ timer he has as a back up. Zushi notices the different ring tone too. 

“GON!” Zushi exclaims, turning to his friend with downcasted eyebrows, his hands on his hips. 

“I KNOW!” Gon throws his hands up in the air after he ends the timer. Gon doesn’t really want this to end, he turns to his new friend who looks confused. “You and Alluka wanna go get food?” 

“AM I NOT INVITED GON?” Zushi asks. 

“YOU BITCH! OF COURSE YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY COMING WITH ME!” Gon yells at Zushi. They are always yelling at each other it seems, which makes Killua and Alluka laugh. 

Alluka smiles. “Yeah food sounds good, huh Nanika?” Nanika stares, looking at them. 

Killua nods. “Yeah, you should definitely eat, did you check your blood sugar—” 

“BRO.” Alluka rolls her eyes at him. 

“You should check it.” Killua says and reaches for Alluka’s phone, Alluka snatching it away. 

“I can do it myself, thank you very much.” She says, and she opens it. She goes quiet for a long second. “Okay yeah, we should go eat.” 

“What's it at?” 

“70.” 

“Alluka!” 

Gon looks at Zushi confused, “Wait what is 70 and why is that bad? 70 is passing.” Zushi smacks him on the arm. 

“You took human biology you idiot, she has diabetes.” Zushi says to him and rolls his eyes. 

“Ooh, is that what Nanika is for?” Gon asks Alluka. Alluka nods. “Damn, I really wanted to pet her.” 

Killua nods understandably at Gon. “She is cute, isn't she.” He says. Killua doesn’t stop holding eye contact with Gon, as he rests his hand on Nanika’s head, giving her a pat on her short black fur before his hand moves and he gives her floppy ears a scratch. Nanika opens her jaw and it looks like she is smiling, her tongue sticking out as her tail wags. Gon gives a squeal of happiness as Killua turns and coos to Nanika. “Who's a good girl? Huh, Nanika?”

Gon feels his heart bursting at that, his eyes going incredibly soft, but then when Killua gives Gon a cheeky grin, the soft eyes turn into a friendly(ish)glare.

“YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE! To mock me!” Gon says accusingly. Zushi pats Gon on the arm while Alluka and Killua laugh at him. 

“Why would you ever suggest such a thing?” Killua says innocently, his mouth curving, feline and sneaky. Gon can’t help but laugh. 

“Whatever, lets go get food now!” Gon says, as Alluka and Zushi get off of their spot on the grass and the four of them decide to go head over to The Den. It's across campus, and Gon hopes that they agreed so they could just all walk a little bit together, hopefully because they are having fun with him. 

Killua and Gon walk back behind them a bit, partially because Killua is watching his sister and Zushi like a hawk, pale blue eyes calculating Zushi’s every move. And partially, Gon hopes, because he wants to walk with him.

“So what's the timer for?” Killua asks on deaf ears as Gon intensely kicks at a pebble, he isn’t paying attention to Killua until Killua grins and moves his foot in front of Gon’s and kicks the same pebble further. Gon smiles at that, no one pebble-kicks with him, and Gon decides he really likes Killua. 

Gon looks up at him to say exactly that, but Killua looks like he is expecting something. “Huh?” Killua asks again. 

Gon looks up at him confused, Killua probably said something earlier and Gon didn’t catch it. “Wait, I’m sorry, what?” Gon says overly politely, like he's done this a thousand times before, because he has. 

“Oh, I asked what the timer’s for.” Killua says, as they now take turns kicking the pebble. 

Gon hums. His turn to kick. “Ah, it reminds me I gotta eat.” 

“Damn, tennis that strict?” Killua wonders aloud. He kicks the rock.

Gon kicks it back effortlessly. “No, I just kept forgetting and Wing— my coach— told me to do it, and it helps so I just keep it.” Gon says, shrugging. Killua kicks the pebble. 

“Ah.” Killua says. Gon’s turn. 

“Yeah.” Killua’s turn. 

“You never were gonna ask what Nanika was for?” Killua asks. 

“What, why?” 

“Alluka seems able-bodied.”

“Yeah well, just because someone  _ looks _ able-bodied doesn’t mean they are. Lots of diseases aren’t noticeable to our eyes, ya know.” Gon says defensively. Killua doesn’t understand why Gon has that tone, but he feels the same way as him. 

“You’re totally right, it's just, most people are—” 

“Stupid?” Gon finishes his sentence for him. Killua smiles. 

“Yeah. Well, more like ignorant ‘cause I would say you’re stupid, after the whole face planting and all,” Killua says, hands in his pockets as he turns away from Gon. “I guess other than that though, you’re kinda alright.”Gon smiles big as he looks at the ground, they had stopped kicking the pebble and he didn’t notice. 

“Wow, that's so sweet and heartfelt Killua,” Gon says. “I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” 

Killua looks at Gon smiling, his eyes squinty, making Gon smile back without trying. “You’re welcome. There's plenty more mediocre and slightly backhanded compliments where that came from.” Killua says. 

“You an English major?” Gon asks. 

Killua hums. “Nah undecided, but definitely something to do with English. What gave it away?” 

Gon turns to look up at Killua, he smiles his crooked and authentic smile that appears without effort, and makes people love him easily. “When you said I didn’t use detest correctly. Also the mullet.” 

“Hey, fuck you, mullets are cool—” 

“Only if you’re gay and not republican” 

“Lucky for me I am gay and lowkey a communist, also, aren’t mullets an art student thing?” Killua tilts his head, grinning at him. Gon’s heart leaps at the confirmation that Killua swings his way. He wills his heart to stop pounding from excitement. Gon feels weird, all tingly, he hasn’t felt this way from just  _ talking _ to someone ever. He really, really likes this Killua person. 

“You don’t seem like an art student.” Gon gives him an up down. Okay, he's wrong—Killua does kinda look like an art student. He’s wearing a black band shirt with the name “Have Heart” in bold letters. It's tucked into a chained belt and ripped carpenter pants, with oxford Doc Martens—“HEY Doc Martens! We are twinning.” Gon says, putting their feet together. Gon does not miss the fact that Killua’s foot is far bigger than his, considering Gon is like five foot seven and Killua seems to be well over six feet. 

Killua laughs, “You’re wearing platform boots, they're like, way different shoes.” 

“ _ You’re _ like way different shoes.” 

“That didn’t even make sense.” 

“You don't even make sense.” 

Killua wishes he didn’t have the worst, most immature sense of humor as he laughs at Gon. “How old are you, twelve?” He says to try and balance out his easy laughter. 

Gon sighs dramatically and looks off into the distance, and when Killua doesn’t say anything Gon sighs loudly again. “What?” Killua asks, rolling his eyes. 

Gon turns to him, his face serious. “I miss being twelve. Everything has sucked after that. I mean minus playing Spikeball with you and a few select individuals...” Gon trails off. 

Killua smiles softly at him. He also had a lot of fun playing Spikeball. He looks down at their feet, they are walking in sync. “I don’t miss being twelve. Everything sucked for me then.” Killua says, his eyes locked on the concrete sidewalk. 

“Really?” Gon asks. 

Killua looks up exasperated. “Yeah, my parents are clinically insane.” Killua watches as Gon stills at that, his body going tense, and Killua notices, Killua always notices when someone’s body goes tense. He had to take notice growing up. He doesn’t want Gon to be uncomfortable so he continues, even though he just met this guy and doesn’t really want to share his ‘tragic backstory’. “I mean they like, kicked Alluka out for being trans and me for being gay.” Killua says. To reassure Gon. Because for some reason he felt the overwhelming need to do that. 

Gon looks at him. “I’m sorry,” he says, looking Killua in the eyes, his brown eyes taking in the setting sun, golden and genuine. Killua can feel the genuine sympathy and understanding in Gon’s eyes, rather than pity, and he decides he really likes Gon. “They are dirty transphobes and ugly homophobes, and I hate them, but can we use a different word?” Gon asks. His voice goes impossibly soft. “That's just, not really what clinically insane means…” At that Killua feels a bit bad, but Gon looks at him and gives him a small smile, a comforting one, that Killua reads as  _ don't apologize, let's just move on. _

Killua smiles back at him without trying. Gon’s smile is incredibly infectious. “ _ You _ hate my parents?” He asks back to being amused. 

“Yeah, we are friends now, aren’t we? I hate anyone who is mean to my friends. I will beat up your parents in an Arby's parking lot. No weapons, just my angry fists.” 

Killua laughs at that. “I’ll gladly join you, but why Arby’s?” Killua tilts his head at him, grin permanent at this point. 

“Seems fitting, I don't know.  _ They have the meats. _ ” Gon says in a voice imitating the commercial, which should make Killua cringe, but they just both laugh at how stupid it sounds.

“What does that have to do with our planned aggravated assault?” Killua asks, his voice light and playful. 

Gon hums thoughtfully. “I got arrested for that once,” Gon looks up. “Oh, we’re here!” 

Killua stops in his tracks, eyes blown wide, as he watches Gon walk to the door nonchalantly.

“Wait, no, go back to getting arrested.” Killua says as he follows Gon inside. Gon just laughs. Then while they stand in line, Gon tells Alluka and Killua the story of how he beat up a Nazi with his tennis racket. Zushi adds in a few of his own quips, considering he was present during it. The story makes everyone's stomach hurt from laughing as they move up in line. 

While Killua watches Gon order from the booth he and Alluka saved, he thinks though he is really enjoying Gon and his company, Gon still has to be one the weirdest people he has ever met. And Killua has gone to group therapy in an LGBT home. So that says  _ a lot _ . It's not a bad thing though, not at all. 

As they are sitting down eating crappy college food, Alluka and Zushi chatting wildly next to them, Gon slides his phone over to Killua. A contact named “Killua: partner in aggravated assault” is open, ready for him to put his number in. He looks up at Gon, who is smiling wickedly. 

“You hate texting,'' Killua remembers as he punches in his number and hands the phone back to Gon, his greasy fingertips leaving a trace on the screen. Gon smiles and takes the phone, he types something on it and then puts it down, smiling.

Killua’s phone buzzes, he gives a look to Gon, who just shrugs and goes back to eating while Killua pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks at the screen. 

A message from an unknown number reads: “Let’s hang out more sometime!” Killua smiles. 

“You’re dumb.” He says, laughing a little, it somehow comes out sounding more like a compliment. Gon smiles brightly at that. 

Killua steals a fry from Alluka who doesn’t even say anything, too engrossed in a conversation with Zushi. Gon holds onto a crumpled napkin, wringing it in his hands, his knee bouncing as he looks down at the napkin. “You gonna go to the party?” Gon asks. 

Killua looks at him, still chewing as he speaks. “Only if Alluka is.” 

Alluka turns. “I am going.” She says to Killua and then turns back to Zushi. 

Killua rolls his eyes. “You gonna go?” Killua asks Gon. 

“Sure,” Gon says. 

“Then once we’re there, we are gonna hang out more.” Killua says simply. Gon smiles brightly at him, and Killua feels like he’s gonna be blinded by that crooked smile some day, so he looks away for now, his face warm. 

Gon has never had this much fun just talking to someone, he can’t wait to gush about this to Kurapika tomorrow. 

Zushi turns to them. “You guys are gonna get to see Gon at a party, your opinion of him might change.” He jokes. Gon chokes at that and starts coughing up his water. Alluka makes a face at Gon but can’t help the loud cackle escape her lips. 

Killua raises his eyebrows. “You get really drunk?” he asks. 

Zushi laughs. Gon frowns. “I don’t drink,” he says, almost shameful. 

Killua smiles at him. “Me neither.”. 

Gon looks at him, he smiles wide, eyes big. “Really?” 

But before Killua could talk, Zushi cuts him off. “Gon just gets really rowdy,” Zushi practically giggles as he recounts a memory in his head. “One time at a Kappa Sigma party Gon asked the president to take down the Trump sign and he said no, so Gon went and scaled the house, ripped it off the second story window, and the guy was yelling at him on give it back, but Gon just ran down the street, screaming ‘IN YOUR DREAMS MOTHERFUCKER’, then a bunch of people starting chanting “fuck Trump” and then finally the cops showed up.”

Killua and Alluka laugh at that while Gon grumbles. “I would do it again!” He says firmly, slamming his fist on the table in his resolve. 

Alluka smiles. “For that, I will let you pet Nanika,” she says. 

Gon’s eyes shoot up, alit with pure joy. “Really?” 

“Yes, really!” She says. “Nanika, come!” She says as Nanika gets up. Gon gets out of his chair excitedly and gives Nanika a little pet on the head as she wags her tail. 

Alluka smiles. “Nanika likes you!” she says. 

Zushi laughs loudly. “I am not surprised, everyone likes Gon, that includes animals.”

Killua smiles. “I can see that,” he says. Killua watches as Alluka and Gon talk about Nanika, and he looks down at his lap smiling. He had put his phone back in his pocket, so he pulls it out once more and adds the new number to contacts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys can follow me @disastergaykillua on tumblr!  
> xoxo


	3. Of making bad decisions and mimosas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I'll try to update once a week until this bad boy is done. I have college online and work but honestly I'll just want to procastinate and write this so ahhaha.  
> Anyway, here is some angst, then we get a brief insight in what is going on with Gon. GONing on if you will. HAHA  
> bad jokes aside, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thank you Rosie for editing my writing!!

It's 2am and Gon is walking home in the dark, his feet dragging a little. He lost Zushi immediately at the party. He was too busy hanging out with Killua and Alluka all night, then they said they had to go, so Gon let them leave. That was almost thirty minutes ago. Killua had offered to drive him back, but Gon said he'd rather walk. Killua had given him a face, but shrugged and left it at that. 

Gon scruffs his black combat boots on the sidewalk. Blinding headlights blare past him, the cars’ headlights blurry and bright, going far too fast on a university road. Gon looks up at the twisting branches of the oak trees as he walks. _Quercus Agrifolia_ , Gon thinks as he watches the oak branches become back lit from lampposts, they swirl into weird shapes in his head as he walks, making him a little dizzy. Maybe he should be afraid as he stares at the twisting and bending black branches, distorting into dark Tim Burton looking extremities. But he’s been telling himself that he isn’t afraid of anything or anyone for long enough that he is beginning to believe it. 

He makes it to the crosswalk and looks down from underneath the tree branches and the dark sky, very little stars are shining tonight. At the stop sign is a red truck. Gon feels his body tense up involuntarily at the shape of the car. Images flood into his head, filling his head up like water, and quickly he's drowning in the muddy flood water. His ears ring as he watches the car’s fumes burn. Images keep flooding, the dam he built in his mind burst and it keeps flowing with memories that he doesn’t want to remember. 

He hasn’t felt like this in awhile. Maybe he won’t walk home. Maybe he will just keep moving. Get his mind to clear up. But the car is waiting for him to cross, and he is going to have to walk past it. Its bright headlights burning into his eyes, the red metal, the big and well built truck bed. The incredibly raw and unforgiving power behind the automobile. 

Gon hates trucks. 

Gon isn’t moving and the car honks at him. Gon pinches his arm _hard_ to will himself to start walking. It usually works, and this time is no exception. 

Gon looks down on the gravel as he walks past the car, keeping his head down, and he keeps walking, and he keeps walking, and he keeps walking and he—

Looks up. Netero Hall. 

He sighs and walks along the brick building. He drags his hands along the outer walls, feeling the rough blocks of red and orange brick scrape against his skin. He drops his hands and thinks about where he wants to go, staring past the dining hall. 

He knows where he needs to go. 

As Gon walks up steps, through the grass and across parking lots, he tries to think about anything else. The easiest thoughts to distract him are of the boy he had just met. Killua. Gon rolls the name over in his head. He likes the way it sounds, and he also likes the way Killua says _his_ name. He wonders if Killua feels the same, if he likes how his name sounds out of Gon’s mouth. He wonders if Killua had just as much fun as he did tonight. He really hopes he did. He really hopes he’ll wanna hang out with Gon again. 

Gon hears the cracking sound of a twig and turns to the noise, watching as a raccoon stares straight at him. 

Gon feels like a deer caught in the headlights. He thinks about how deer can’t move when cars come at them, how they get paralyzed with fear because there aren’t cars in the wild and all deer know is fight or flight.

If you hit a deer with a car they don't fight, or fly, however, if you hit a person—

Gon makes a fist and punches his leg forcefully. _Stop it_ , he tells himself, _think about something else._ Gon remembers words Mito told him all those years ago. He repeats the carefully woven words spoken to him in his head. _It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault._ The words keep repeating in her voice, validatory and maternal, like a mantra in his head. Gon begins to walk up the stairs past Masodoria Hall, the hall of letters, and then he descends down into the amphitheater—where graduation is held. He gazes out into the amphitheater, at all the empty concrete bleachers, running his hand down the cold metal railing as he walks down the steps. He wonders how many people sat in those seats, how long ago did they sit there? Are they dead? Are they alive? Has Gon passed someone on the street who has stood in his exact spot? 

Gon descends down all the steps to the grassy area. He plops down onto the grass, letting himself lay down, his jeans get a bit wet, there will be grass stains there tomorrow. Gon isn’t cold though, it's a warm October night, almost no breeze, the cold grass gives Gon’s burning skin a sense of relief. Gon stares up, he can see the tips of large cypress trees, the autumn coloring of even bigger sycamore trees. _Platanus racemosa_ , Gon says in his head. Sycamore trees are native here, these ones, judging by their size, their sturdiness, are probably hundreds of years old. They stand tall and solid, not even earthquakes could shake them. Gon stares at the peeling bark. Even ancient and wise deep rooted trees peel old bark to make room for new skin. 

Kite had told him a long time ago that nature is earth's greatest teacher, and Gon thinks about those words and about the peeling bark, wondering what that could possibly teach him. 

He wishes Kite could give him a hint, could keep giving Gon hints until Gon understood like he used to. He wishes Kite could just tell him, get impatient with Gon’s persistence and blurt it out like he used to. But mostly, Gon just wishes Kite was here. 

Gon squeezes his eyes shut, exhaustion in his bones, his back aching as he lays down in the damp grass. His hands fist the blades of grass, feeling their sharp mowed tips tickle his palm. 

He prays to no one that the sprinklers don’t turn on, the grass is already over watered. Anymore water and it’ll become muddy and no one wants to lay down on muddy grass. 

  
  


* * *

Gon groans as someone shakes his body, he opens his eyes to blinding sunlight and an angry looking blond haired twink. “Can you believe this motherfucker?” The blonde twink says. And Gon knows that voice, OH that's _his_ blonde twink. 

“Kurapika, I wish I could say no, but yes. Yes, I can believe this motherfucker.” another voice says, tired and monotone. 

Kurapika almost growls. “Shut the fuck up Zushi. I wasn’t talking to you.” He spits at the boy beside him. 

Zushi frowns. “Kurapika, no one else is here.” He says. 

Kurapika glares at Zushi, his eyebrows downcast and agitated. “Shut up.” He turns to Gon, his blonde haired friend holding his shoulder up from the grass. Gon rubs his eyes as Kurapika looks concerned. “Gon, did you pass out again?” Kurpika asks, his brows now stressed instead of agitated. 

Gon shakes his head groggily. “Nah, just fell asleep.” his voice is raspy, his throat is burning and sore.

Zushi gives out a little amused puff of air. “You’re so fucking stupid—” 

Kurapika cuts him off, sending Zushi a dirty look. “Zushi could you shut the hell up for one second—actually no. You can just leave now.” 

Zushi sputters. “But-” 

“Don’t care, bye.” Kurapika says not even bothering to look back at the brown haired boy. 

Zushi grumbles walking away. “I’M THE ONE WHO FOUND HIM!” He yells in their direction.

Gon looks at Kurapika confused. “Found who?” he asks. 

Kurapika looks down at Gon. He stands up looking away. “Found _you_ ,” he says pointedly. “Found you here, just sleeping on the grass.” The tension is thick like a fog, overwhelming to Gon’s still half asleep brain. 

Gon stares up at Kurapika. “Oh,” he says. 

Kurapika looks at Gon still lying in the grass, leaning on his elbows now. He gives Gon a small smile and goes to help him onto his feet. 

Gon takes Kurapika’s hand easily and lets him help lift him up off the grass and dirt. They lock eyes, Kurapika’s eyes soften at Gon who is still sleepy, his eyes are glassy.

“You look like shit.” Kurapika says.

Gon hums. “I feel like shit.” He says honestly, fighting to hold back a yawn. Kurapika is the one person he can’t lie to. Gon's body hurts everywhere and his hair feels greasy and his face feels crusty, and why would he lie when he knows he looks like he hasn't showered in three days (he hasn’t). _Ah shit_! He hasn’t brushed his teeth since yesterday morning either. 

Kurapika frowns and he wraps his arm around Gon and they walk through the empty amphitheater together. They walk to the parking lot in comfortable silence. 

Kurapika rests his head on Gon's shoulder. “You smell like shit too.” He says quietly. 

Gon laughs. “Maybe there was shit in the grass.” 

“Maybe? There was definitely shit on that grass.” Gon laughs again, from his belly. Kurapika unwraps himself from Gon to get his keys and sunglasses out. “I am gonna drive you back to your apartment so you can take a fucking shower, then we can go out and get brunch with Leorio, if you want to join us.” Kurapika says unlocking his gray Jetta, his aviators on his face now. 

“I would like that.” Gon says as he climbs into Kurapika’s passenger seat. 

Once they are in the car Kurapika turns, he studies Gon’s face, gold aviators staring into Gon’s soul. “You freaked me out.” Kurapika says. “Zushi said you weren’t home, he said he called you and it went straight to voicemail. He used the find my iPhone, and said you were just laying there in the grass.” Kurapika starts the car. He drags out a long sigh and turns to Gon. “Don’t do that again.”

Gon looks out the window as Kurapika backs up, he nods, shifting uncomfortably in his leather seat. “Are you—” 

“I won't tell Leorio.” 

Gon sighs. Kurapika clears his throat and Gon turns to him. Kurapika is staring intensely as he drives on the main road now. Gon can see his grayish brown eyes lit red by the brake lights in front of them. Kurapika’s eyebrows are furrowed, he is frowning. “But,” Kurapika’s voice is hard with resolve as he continues, “I need you to promise you won’t ever wander off in the middle of the night with a dead phone and an almost dead body again.” Kurapika is angry. Gon hates it when he's angry. 

“I promise,” Gon says quietly. “I won’t do it again.” 

“Pinky swear.” Kurapika says, Gon looks up at him, a small smile forms as he lifts up his pinky to connect it with Kurapika’s. They swear on it and let go. 

* * *

Gon has been gushing about how much fun he had last night to his two best friends. Leorio and Kurapika laugh along with him when he tells them something witty Killua said, or awe when he talks about how cute Nanika is.

Leorio asks Gon something while Gon pours hot tea into his mug. Leorio watches Gon’s mind wandering off as he looks to Kurapika, who is being handed a cappuccino. 

Gon loves how cappuccinos look. He wishes he could order one too. 

He would drink coffee, like Kurapika, if he was allowed to drink caffeine. Tea doesn’t have too much so he just drinks it anyway. Caffeine is just another thing his body can’t handle too much of. It's just another thing his body isn’t allowed to have. Gon has a long list of things he can’t have, bullet pointed and highlighted by a doctor. When he was given that list almost six years ago, he wanted nothing more than to rip it up into a million tiny pieces and scatter it all over the hospital floor. Or burn it. But Mito made him keep it. Now it sits in an orange envelope in the bottom of his desk drawer at his childhood home. Collecting dust, Gon hopes. 

Leorio taps Gon’s foot with his own, Gon looks up at him. “Wait, sorry what?” He asks. 

“No you’re good, I just asked if you were sure you two didn’t hook up?” Leorio asks Gon who sputters causing Kurapika to choke on his cappuccino. Leorio takes a questioning sip of his half-empty mimosa, then puts it back down. Its ice melts, sweating into the cardboard coaster on the restaurant’s table. 

Kurapika lets out a guffaw as Gon gives Leorio an angry face. “No! We just hung out!” Gon crosses his arms, his Jasmine tea is too hot to drink, and he eyes the tea in his mug, wishing it would cool down faster. 

Leorio looks at Kurapika, he makes a face and Gon sputters. “Stop that! You are tarnishing our relationship with—with your _implications_.”

Leorio rolls his eyes. “What did you guys even do at the party then?” 

“We literally just hung out.” 

“Kids these days and not telling their parents anything.” Leorio sighs dramatically. 

Gon groans. “We literally just talked the whole time. Killua and I also may or may not have destroyed all the drunk people at beer pong while Alluka cheered us on.” Gon smiles as he looks down at his bread and butter. “We seriously were so good! Mostly cause like, we were both sober and he is like, scarily athletic. ” Gon tries to act nonchalant but Leorio and Kurapika both see the way his eyes turn soft, and the way he fiddles with his crumpled napkin in his lap. 

Leorio and Kurapika smile really wide at each other. Kurapika gazes at Gon, his eyes happy, Leorio opening his mouth to say something but Gon holds up a hand dangerously close to Leorio’s mouth.

“Leorio, don’t make it weird. He’s literally so cool, okay? Don’t be weird about it.” Gon pleads. 

Leorio sighs. “Okay, fine, I just think he seems like a good match for you is all.” His voice higher as it reaches the end. 

“We met yesterday.” 

Leorio smiles. “And you had fun yesterday didn’t you?” 

Gon nods. 

“You didn’t even have to commit arson to have fun.” Kurapika adds in.

Gon shakes his head defensively at that. “That was one time—actually two. Nevermind.” 

Kurapika rests his head on his hand, considering the younger boy in front of him thoughtfully. “Text him.” Kurapika says smiling. 

“Like, right now?” Gon asks, he wants Kurapika to say yes. 

“Yeah.” Kurapika says confidently. 

“Okay.” Gon pulls out his phone, he charged it a bit at his apartment, and a bit in Kurapika’s car. It's at 25%, _good enough_ , Gon thinks as he begins to tap on his phone screen. 

Leorio turns, raising his eyebrows at Kurapika, Kurapika looks at Leorio and winks as Gon texts him. 

“Okay, there. I asked him if he wanted to hang out later today.” Gon sets the phone on the table. 

“That's like, very bold and very soon.” Leorio says, Kurapika tchs at him. 

“I invited his sister too.” Gon offers. 

“Ah, that's a smart move Gon.” 

“Thank you, Leorio.” 

Kurapika sighs happily, leaning back in his chair. “I can’t believe it. Gon made a friend, remembered their name and willingly texted them.” 

Gon opens his mouth to argue, _he has more friends_! _He just happens to like Kurapika and Leorio the best!_ is what he plans on saying but the thought never leaves his mouth because Gon’s lunch timer goes off quietly. Gon exhales and he reaches for his phone screen facing the table, flipping it over in his hand. He turns off his lunch timer before peering at his phone screen. “Oh! He texted back.” Gon says as he unlocks his phone, smiling giddily. Immediately beginning to text back, bouncing happily in his seat. 

“IT'S BEEN LIKE A MINUTE, HAS HE NO SHAME?” Kurapika yells, clearly embarrassed for Killua. 

Leorio gives his boyfriend a playful smack on the arm. “Kurapika, shut up!” He turns to Gon who is texting on his phone. “WHAT DID HE SAY?” 

A waiter comes and interrupts their conversation. They look distressed. Their hair in limp brown braids. “I am sorry, but could you three please keep it down? We are getting complaints from other customers.” They say apologetically. Some Karens probably asked them to go say that. 

Leorio looks up, clearly embarrassed. “Oh, so sorry about that.” He says.

Kurapika glowers. “Tell them that I—” 

“Kurapika.” Leorio cuts him off before he can say something offensive. 

“What? Let us be gay and loud in peace, damn homophobes.”

“For the last time just because someone is doing something that slightly inconveniences you, doesn’t mean its homophobic.” 

“Easy for the bisexual to say.” 

Leorio’s face is tired. “Don’t be biphobic.” He says deadpan. 

Kurapika softens at him, a bit playful. “Actually that was kinda biphobic, sorry darling.” Kurapika gives Leorio a smirk. Leorio laughs a little at that. They turn to Gon who is tapping furiously on his phone. 

“What are you doing?” 

“We are playing darts.” Gon sticks his tongue out in concentration. “Frick. How is he so good at darts.” 

Kurapika rolls his eyes. “Okay, but what did he say?” 

“He said he’s busy, but he can tomorrow.” 

“What about his sister?” Leorio asks, he takes a long sip of his mimosa. 

Gon bounces his leg. “He said she is busy both days.” He says with a crooked smile.

Kurapika grins slyly. “Ohhh, he wants you all to himself.” He says. 

“No comment.” Gon flushes a little. 

“You are not opposed?” Leorio raises his eyebrows. He shoves bread in his mouth. Kurapika watches him chew and moves forward to wipe a crumb off his face, Leorio doesn’t even budge. 

Gon thinks. “Oh I am the opposite of opposed. I am…composed.” 

Leorio chokes on his bread while Kurapika laughs. “That is definitely not the opposite of opposed.” Kurapika gives Gon a ‘are you serious’ face. 

Leorio swallows the complimentary bread. He pulls out his phone. “Siri, what is the antonym of opposed?” Leorio says to his phone. 

“Pooped is almost a perfect anagram of opposed.” Gon offers. 

“That doesn’t help us at all, thank you.” Kurapika says as Leorio gets frustrated with Siri getting confused. As they debate the true opposite of opposed, the waiter brings them their food. 

“Be careful, the plate is very hot.” The waiter tells Gon, who grabs it with his bare hands and puts it in front of himself. 

“Thank you,” he tells the waiter, and he begins eating his lunch. Feeling a lot better than he did when woke up. He doesn’t know if it's from the shower, the tea, or the care and love from his friends. Gon supposes it's the latter. 

* * *

  
  


“FUCK!” Gon screeches as he sits in the backseat of Kurapika’s car. 

Leorio turns away from Kurapika. “Gon, you doing okay back there?” He asks. 

“HE SUNK LIKE THREE BATTLESHIPS! He is so good at everything, what the hell.” Gon says sulking, but clearly impressed. 

“How many have you sunk?” Kurapika asks invested. 

“Like NONE!” Gon yells frustrated. 

Leorio and Kurapika laugh at him and Leorio chokes and starts coughing, which makes Gon laugh, fully bellied and loud. “I have to make a comeback.” He says between his laughs. 

Leorio coughs, still choking a little on his laughter. “You’re gonna have to work really hard, you’ve got a long way to go.” 

Gon smiles, looking at Leorio through the side mirror of the car. “Yeah I know,” he says. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me @disastergaykillua on tumblr or even @lunartlu on insta! Thanks so much for reading I hope you liked it. Feel free to discuss Kurapika's awesomeness in the comments below. WE STAN KP!! <3


	4. of costco muffins and controlled pride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to post every monday, but again, I am a fire sign, can't promise anything.  
> Also here is this chapter, I hope you enjoy it! Special thanks to @sunnysideblonde for talking to me all night and editing my fics all the time THANKS BABE!!  
> Enjoy and thanks for reading !!

“You drive a lesbian car.” Gon says, buckling in his seatbelt. Gon turns from his seatbelt’s buckle and watches as Killua laughs full bellied, reversing his Subaru Outback. 

“Fuck yeah I do, lesbians have good taste.” He smirks, his smile is toothy and boyish and Gon definitely notices the way Killua’s canines make butterflies flutter in his tummy. Gon decides that he really likes making Killua smile. 

Suddenly, the car makes an awful noise as it goes into drive. The car is old, and Killua attempts to fix the loud sputtering from the car by moving the stick shift and slapping the dashboard encouragingly. “Come on!” Killua says to the car. 

Gon laughs at this, then takes a deep breath and tries to conjure his best serious voice. It doesn't work. “I am beginning to feel unsafe in this vehicle.” He says in between laughs. 

Killua gives out an amused breath. “That is not a nice way to speak to someone driving you to Costco.” Killua says, giving Gon the side eye. 

Gon rubs his hands on the worn-in felt seats. He likes it in here. “I like it in here.” Gon tells him. “Also, you _invited_ me along,” 

Killua rolls his eyes happily. “You wanted to hang out so bad, what was I gonna do? Cancel our plans because I needed groceries?”

Gon looks out the window and Killua watches Gon from his peripheral vision. “Uh, yeah? Gon says, more to the window than Killua. 

Killua turns to the street, watching the traffic light turn red as he pulls behind a Prius. “Nah, I don’t take back things when I say I’ll do them. I said we’d hang out, so we are gonna hang out,” he says confidently, before continuing more lightly, “also I don’t really have much time other than today this week.”

“Oh, why?” Gon turns back to watching Killua drive, his unruly almost-white hair curling on his neck, some stray hairs tucked behind his ears, Killua’s gauges are small but still noticeable. 

Killua watches the traffic. “I have work and—” 

Gon cuts him off, curious. “Where do you work?” 

“Barnes and Noble—”

“Do you like it?” 

“Maybe if you let me finish what I was saying you’d know.” Killua smiles toothily, rolling his eyes. 

Gon looks away. “Oh, I’m sorry,” He says this too softly and honestly for Killua to consider teasing him more. 

Killua glances at Gon, who is fidgeting with his hands. “Oh hey, no, it's okay, sorry. I can get kinda aggressive when I talk,” he tells the shorter boy. 

Gon smiles up at him sheepishly. “No, it's okay! Sorry, I kinda cut people off when I—” 

“It's okay.” Killua smiles as he cuts Gon off quickly. 

They both laugh at Killua’s quick wit. The silence that follows is not uncomfortable, but not too comfortable either. The silence is an awkward reminder they met two days ago. 

“Wanna listen to music?” Killua asks. Gon nods fast. 

Gon bounces his leg. “Sure what kinda music ya got?” 

“Well this car is kinda old, and I didn’t like, change the stereo, so I just make myself cassette mixtapes.” 

“That's really cool!” Gon says excitedly. 

“Uh, thanks, here,” Killua moves his arm and pops open the middle console between them with a loud click. He motions to the cassettes thrown in there. They all have crudely drawn covers. “they’re in the console, you can pick. I'm impartial to all of them.” 

Gon nods and sticks his hand in the console as he mocks Killua’s voice. “ _I_ _mpartial,”_ he says, his voice lowering two octaves. Dumping a handful of mixtapes on his lap, he looks at them as Killua makes a mock offended noise at Gon bullying him for his diction.

 _“_ Hey, it's a solid word.”

Gon smiles as he reads the mixtape titles. “You say fancy _solid_ words like impartial but all these tapes are—” Gon picks two up and laughs. “Ah yes ‘sad jams’ and ‘semi sad jams’, these are very dynamic titles, Killua.” 

“Shut up, I can’t come up with good names.” 

“You just need to practice your name making abilities.” 

“That's a thing?” 

“Of course.” 

“What mixtape?” 

Gon hums, thinking. “Let's listen to the ‘extra sad jams’ and talk about trauma on the way to Costco.” 

Killua laughs. “Wait really? You wanna do _that_?” He asks, turning to give Gon a face. 

Gon shakes his head, grinning crookedly, his charming smile that almost never leaves his face present yet again. “No. Maybe another time; we can just discuss grocery politics. And specifically Costco muffins.” 

Killua throws his head back. “OH my god yes, Costco muffins, the chocolate ones are god’s greatest creation.” 

Gon turns and wags his finger at Killua. “‘God’s greatest creation’ would be a good mixtape name.” He says very seriously. 

“Shit, you are so right, too bad it's a name reserved specifically for chocolate Costco muffins.” 

“The chocolate ones are too sweet, it's basically cake.” 

“That’s kinda the fucking point—hey, do you mind if we go through the Starbucks drive-thru?” Killua says, putting his turn signal on to get into the right lane anyway. 

Gon shakes his head. “Actually no, would you let me pay for your coffee?” He asks Killua, pulling out his wallet from his quarter zip sweatshirt. 

Killua's eyes widen and he looks at Gon. “Why?” Killua, for some reason, feels his heart race pick up a bit. He swears he can feel his cheeks warm. 

Gon gives him an ‘it’s obvious face’. “Because you’re driving me?” He says, squinting at him. 

“Oh.” Killua takes in a breath, feeling as though he can breathe properly again. _Calm down, it's just Costco,_ Killua thinks to himself. _Yeah, Costco with a cute boy._

Killua laughs a little. “Okay, yeah, sure. I was gonna get a frappuccino though, not coffee. It's way too bitter.” 

Gon grins cheekily. “You’re kidding.” His cheeks are hurting. That just must be a side effect of being with Killua. 

Killua frowns, but his eyes are brimming with delight. “No, I‘m not kidding. Grande chocolate chip frappuccino, extra whip.” 

“Please tell me that’s a joke. Please tell me that isn’t your normal order.” 

“That’s it. What are you, a coffee snob or something?” 

Gon sighs. “No, I don’t even drink coffee.” He crosses his arms. 

Killua gasps. “Oh my god, wait.” 

“What?” Gon looks up at Killua. 

“You don’t drink coffee, you don’t smoke, you don’t drink alcohol…. are you Mormon?” 

They laugh wildly at that. The thought of Gon being a Mormon is pretty funny. Once Gon cools down from laughing he frowns, his eyes give it away that he isn’t upset, still sparkling from his laughter. “Aren’t you the same?” 

Killua calms himself from the laughter. “Yeah, but it's like, really cool when I do it.” 

Gon opens his mouth in protest. “And it's not cool when I do it?” 

“It's a political statement for me. Being straight edge and all—”

“Ah yes, the only straight thing about you.” 

They laugh, the laughter dying down yet again, and it's quiet. The song plays on the cassette in Killua’s car radio, guitar and drums loud, the singer is angry and her voice is almost growling. Killua opens his mouth, but Gon cuts him off. 

“What band is this?” 

“Skating Polly.” Killua says. He looks at Gon, who is nodding along to the music. Killua looks down at his own black crust punk pants. His chains and his checkered belt. It's just now hitting him how different they look, how different they probably are. 

Surprisingly, Gon just smiles. “It slaps.” He says, and nods along more. Killua smiles, he wouldn’t have thought Gon would like punk music, he gives Gon an up-down. Gon is wearing a mint green Patagonia sweater, and short athletic shorts, he has knit socks and Birkenstocks on.

Curious, Killua asks, “oh yeah? What kinda music do you usually listen to?”

Gon thinks for a bit. “Honestly, I only really listen to music when I am working out, other than that it's just white noise for me to focus on homework.” 

“Yeah, but what kind of music?” Killua needs to know it's not pop Tik-Tok song crap. He would still be friends with Gon, but he fucking hates pop music. Generic pop music is his pet peeve. 

Gon shrugs as he thinks. “Screamo, black metal, that kinda stuff.” 

Killua wants to scream. He looks at Gon. Gon's playing with his keys on his neon green carabiner. Attached to his _BRIGHT GREEN_ carabiner is a Keroppi keychain, a mini orca whale charm, and a bedazzled tennis racket. He can’t believe the boy sitting next to him listens to black metal. “You’re kidding.” Killua says as Gon's eyes sparkle, his smile easy and sweet on his square face. Freckles forming constellations on his cheeks. 

Gon shakes his head smiling. “Nope! I mean, at first it was to motivate me to work out harder because like, it was kinda scary to listen to, but now I just like it.” 

“You like screamo.” Killua says to himself in awe.

“Yeah.” Gon nods, smiling wide. 

“I would have never thought that about you. What else do you like? Other than screamo and aggravated assault.” Killua says, remembering one of their first conversations. 

Gon laughs at that. “Hm. Not much else honestly.” 

Killua turns away. There's no way this kid is real. Gon seems a little too perfect to Killua. A little too perfect _for_ Killua. There isn't anything Killua doesn’t like about Gon yet, and frankly, Killua wants to find something to not like. “There's gotta be another activity you like other than tennis and beating up white supremacists.” Killua says thoughtfully as he pulls into the drive-thru. 

Gon thinks for a bit. “Okay so, one time I was on a walk and I ended up on this part of a mountain that like, overlooks a highway right? And I just sat there and threw rocks at passing cars. That was really fun. I would like to do that again.” 

Killua laughs, and he can’t tell if Gon is serious or not. “Sounds stupid and dangerous.” He tells Gon.

“You wanna join next time?” He is serious. 

“Hell yeah.” So is Killua. 

“We can light a cop car on fire too.” 

“Wait, arson? That's _my_ favorite activity, right after long walks on the beach.” 

“I actually love the beach. And arson.” 

Killua smiles, he rolls down his window to wait for the speaker to start asking their order. “We should mix them together and have a bonfire on the beach.” He is joking a little, but Gon’s eyes light up at that suggestion, and Killua would be a liar if he said he didn't love the way Gon’s eyes glimmered at his words. 

Gon smiles so wide his cheeks hurt even more. “Yes I would be so down—” The drive thru speaker begins speaking. Gon stills, “oh sh—you talk.” He tells Killua. 

Killua says his usual and turns to Gon.

“Oh hey wait, what do you want from Starbucks?” He asks.

Gon hums to himself. “Hm, maybe an iced green tea.” Gon says and Killua repeats that. The lady asks if they want sweetener.

“You want sweetener?” Killua asks. 

“No thanks!” Gon shouts across Killua to the lady in through the speaker, Killua finds himself laughing at that. It goes quiet again, Killua doesn’t want to bring up the beach thing again, in fear of their conversation getting too real, Killua sees himself getting attached to Gon and that's not really something he wants to do. So, small talk will work, even if they are far past that, and have been since the moment they met.

“Do you have plans after this?” Killua asks.

Gon hums as they move up in line. “Yeah Kurapika is coming over to help me with history stuff.” 

“Who’s Kurapika?” Killua wonders aloud. 

Gon shakes his leg a little harder than he was earlier, the car shakes with it so he stops and begins to fiddle with his keys, thumb pressing on the cold flat metal of his apartment key. “Ah, he's one of my best friends. He goes to the graduate school here.” 

“Ah, cool, how'd you even meet?” They move up in line again. 

Gon feels his leg start shaking and he just lets it this time. “He used to play tennis for the school, so like, he came to check out the team at practice a lot last year, and we just bonded? I don't know, it just happened. One day I met him and then I blinked, and suddenly months later I was at his apartment with his boyfriend who was my TA and we were eating dinner together.” 

Killua laughs. Gon is so weird to him, but in a good way. Who just becomes best friends with your TA’s boyfriend?

Gon turns to Killua. “Do you have plans?” He asks. 

“Yeah, I have a really short shift at work and then Ikalgo, Alluka and I are getting dinner.” 

Gon hums. “Who’s Ikalgo?” 

Killua turns his head to Gon dramatically. He looks at Gon with wide eyes. “Dude, you’re kidding right?” 

“No?” Gon says his head tilted. 

They pull up to the drive thru window and Gon hands the lady his debit card, they exchange money and drinks. 

Killua sighs as he watches Gon stab their drinks with the straws. Gon smiles and hands Killua his frappuccino. Killua thanks him as he takes a thoughtful sip. He had asked Ikalgo if he knew Gon the day after they met. Ikalgo was hanging around Killua at work while the place was dead. Ikalgo was telling Killua about how Gon set a fire in the lab once and how he talks a lot in class and how every professor just _loves_ him. Ikalgo didn’t seem too impressed with Gon. He recalls their conversation.

Ikalgo was sitting on the counter, “There's just something about him that's off, I don't know Killua.” Ikalgo had said. 

Killua wiped down the register out of boredom for the third time. It's always dead at 8am where he works. “That's fucking rude, don’t you think Ikalgo? Who are you to judge someone?” Killua had said back, not really sure why he was getting defensive. 

Ikalgo had just shrugged. “I don't know dude, everyone loves him and he's so nice to everyone. He's always smiling, like always. I don't think I have ever seen him upset. Even during eight am labs. EIGHT AM LABS KILLUA.” Ikalgo shuddered. “There's no way there's not something wrong with him…” 

“That's kinda fucked up dude, just because he's happy?” Killua found himself getting defensive for no reason again. Killua never has feelings this fast for people, so he’s sure he’s just confusing himself thinking too hard about Gon and why he's protective of him all of the sudden. So he tries to stop asking himself questions, knowing he has the tendency to overthink every little thing. 

Ikalgo lowered their face at Killua. “What stem major do you know that is happy?” 

“Okay, fair.” Killua had laughed and they had moved on, but there was still so much he wanted to know. 

Killua looks at Gon funny while he sips his sweet drink. Ikalgo had seemed to know him fairy well, he even said they had a ton of classes together. “You have like four classes with them. They’re in your major.” He tells Gon. 

Gon’s eyes widen, he gulps his iced tea and looks at Killua surprised. “What really—wait, how do you know all this, you stalker.” 

“OH my god I told Ikalgo, they're the one with the GSA club, that we met and they told me they knew you.” 

“Oh, okayyy.” Gon says, drawing it out nice and long. 

Killua huffs in annoyance. “I am not a stalker.” 

“Sure buddy.” Killua opens his mouth to argue but Gon cuts him off “What do they look like?”

Killua shrugs and takes another big sip of his drink. “Bright red hair?” 

Gon nods remembering. “Oh yeah, okay, wears a beanie a lot?” 

“Yeah. They said you started a fire in the lab. And I didn’t believe them at first but now I think I do based on your interests in black metal and arson.” Killua smirks. They are getting close to Costco now. 

Gon smiles back. He is halfway done with his tea already. “Okay yeah, that time was an accident though, not on purpose.” He says.

Killua chokes on his drink. “Have you started a fire on purpose before?” He sputters. 

Gon thinks. “In lab? No.” 

“But somewhere else?” Killua questions. 

Gon smiles. “Perhaps. Depends who’s asking.” 

Killua is taken aback. He makes a bemused face. “You know, you’re kinda a delinquent.” Killua says then begins laughing. 

Gon shakes his head. “What? No, I am totally not a delinquent! I am very nice all the time, to everyone, always. Just cause I have been arrested for aggravated assault, vandalism, and mass arson doesn’t mean I am a delinquent.” 

Killua stops. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“What.” Gon says back.

“How did you—” 

“Okay your turn, have you ever been arrested?” Gon asks quickly. 

Killua gives a huff of amusement. “Not yet,” he says. 

Gon smiles at that. “I like your optimism, we can make that happen if you want?” Killua once again can't tell if Gon is being serious or not. He will just play it safe for now. He doesn’t particularly feel like getting arrested today. 

“No, I am okay, thanks. But I do hate cops.” Killua reaffirms. 

“Good, what else do you hate so I know in advance?” Gon asks as he takes a loud sip. The ice in his drink makes a loud slurping sound. 

Killua thinks, he dislikes a lot of stuff. “Uh I don't know maybe like, uh, sellouts? Actually just like, general pop culture—THE OFFICE.” 

Gon gives him a confused look. “What office?” 

Killua mixes the whip cream and the rest of his frappuccino together at the stop light, looking up to Gon fiercely. “THE Office.” 

“I don’t know what you mean but I will agree with you—” 

Killua stares, “You’ve never heard of The Office? It's like a really popular tv show?” He ponders aloud. 

Gon shrugs. “I don’t watch tv.” 

Killua gets onto the highway now, setting aside his drink as Gon watches him shift gears. “You are so weird, Gon.” He says smiling. He can’t help it, he's getting attached. He can feel it in his bones. 

“Thanks!” Gon says and Killua wants to laugh but he doesn't, he can’t laugh when Gon is being authentic and sweet. “But why do you hate it?” Gon asks him. 

“Lots of reasons?” Killua shrugs. 

“Would you like to share the reasons?” 

“Not in particular. It's just overrated.” 

“Ah, okay, what do you like?” Gon sits up energetically and Killua turns to him. “Wait, can I guess?” He asks, his eyes big and shining.

Killua chuckles at that. “Go for it.” He tells Gon. 

Gon hums happily. “I feel like…” He thinks. “You could like theater,” 

Killua makes a disgusted face. “How fucking dare you instigate I am a theater kid.” 

“Don’t lie, your deep dark secret is safe with me,” Gon sing songs. 

“I am _not_ a theater kid.” 

Gon laughs loudly. “I can see you as a Hamilton fan.” 

Killua gasps. “That's the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me and my older brother was emotionally abusive.” He lets himself slip out the last part in favor for comedic purposes only. Not because he is opening up fast. Definitely not that. Killua doesn’t open up fast, he never—oh god, his therapist would be way too pleased to hear about Gon. 

Gon stops and stares at Killua intensely. “Where is he.” 

Killua is taken aback again. “What?” He coughs out. 

Gon stares with resolve. “Where is he? What's his email? I will beat him up.” 

“Please don't.” Killua laughs nervously. 

Gon crosses his arms. “If anyone is ever mean to you, I’ll beat them up and or slash their tires. I’ve done it before for a friend and I’ll do it again.” He says passionately. 

Killua finds himself laughing “Was that why you got arrested?” 

Gon smiles back. “Perhaps.” 

Killua can’t help but smile and laugh at this, he can’t help but smile and laugh whenever he is around Gon. It's kind of scaring him how much he likes being in the other boy’s presence. He isn’t really like this with anyone, never really liked anyone this fast this much. He thinks about what Ikalgo said, that there's gotta be something wrong with Gon, but what does Ikalgo know? They’re friends with _Killua._ Killua’s got serious issues, so what if Gon does? 

Killua turns to Gon, who is playing absentmindedly with his keychains. Humming along to a song on Killua’s mixtape as Killua is exiting the highway to get to Costco. Is it really okay for him to feel this way about someone he just met? 

Gon looks up as Killua is so close to Costco he can taste the chocolate muffins. “Hey Killua,” Gon says. 

Killua hums back. Gon continues. “Thanks for driving me.” 

Killua looks at his friend. “Duh, you don’t need to thank me for that, dummy.” He says on impulse. 

Gon smiles softly at that, almost like he's already accustomed to Killua’s strong personality and quick snarky tongue. “I’m having fun and we haven't even started getting Costco samples yet.” 

Killua snorts at that. “Are you the type who takes multiple?” 

“Of course not. I may have started some fires, but I draw the line at theft and being mean to service workers.” 

Killua laughs. As he pulls into a parking spot. He puts the car in park. They're here. “We’re here.” He says. 

“Costco time!” Gon cheers childishly as he unbuckles. Killua laughs at that. 

“Yeah, Costco time.” He says, taking his keys out of the car. The music stops abruptly and Gon and Killua grin at each other. 

They get lots of looks together, probably because Killua has crust pants and Gon is just loud, but Gon doesn’t even notice the Karens staring at them and that makes Killua forget to care too.

* * *

  
  


Kurapika almost starts screaming. “What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK.” He says as he holds Gon’s fridge open. There is _food._ Like, actual food. Like real groceries not just protein shakes from the school cafe. “Are those fucking avocados? Wait—what are they doing in the fridge?” 

Gon looks up from his spot on the couch. “What, is that not where they go?” 

“Uh, no, but I appreciate your effort.” 

Zushi walks in wearing his running outfit, he is red and sweaty. “Oh key Kura—” 

“Bye.” Kurapika says as he takes out the avocados and puts them on the counter. 

“Woah, what the hell, are those AVOCADOS?” Zushi says, amazed. Kurapika rolls his eyes as he pours himself milk in his mug of decaffeinated vanilla chai tea, the only decaf tea Gon owns. “Kurapika, did you buy Gon groceries?” Zushi asks Kurapika as Gon makes an offended noise. 

“NO! I bought them myself!” Gon shouts. 

“WHAT, NO WAY!” Zushi shouts back, turning to Kurapika who is glaring at him as he stirs his tea. “ IS THAT TRUE?” He asks rather loudly. 

“Stop talking to me, I’m busy.” Kurapika says and pushes Zushi out the way to go sit with Gon. 

Zushi stares after Kurapika, pouting. “When will you be nice to me, Kurapika?” 

Kurapika ignores him. Gon stares back and forth. “You're so mean to me, and in my own apartment no less.” Zushi cries out, grabbing a take out box from the fridge. 

“I’ll be nice to you when you’re dead.” Kurapika grumbles under his breath. 

“Kurapika!” Gon gasps. 

“WHAT?” Zushi shouts. 

“Nothing!” Gon and Kurapika say simultaneously. 

Zushi shrugs and walks to his room. 

“So, when did you get groceries?” Kurapika asks, taking a tentative sip of his tea. He immediately burns his tongue and curses a little. 

Kurapika looks at Gon who is typing furiously on his laptop, he didn't hear Kurapika ask at all. Kurapika taps Gon’s fingers lightly and Gon looks up at him. “Wha?” He says. 

“When did you get groceries?” Kurapika asks again. 

Gon grins crooked at him. “Earlier today. Killua and I went to Costco.” 

Kurapika looks at him funny. “You went grocery shopping…for fun?” He says slowly. Testing out that statement on his tongue. 

“Yeah! Some security guard followed us around for a bit so Killua and I went all over the store to evade him. Also, we got churros.” 

Kurapika hums. “Cool.” He says, and looks down to his grad work. He really doesn’t want to type more of his research, but what is he gonna do about that?

Kurapika watches as Gon goes back to typing. “Proud of you.” He says to Gon who looks up. 

“Sorry, what?” 

“Nothin’.” Kurapika says and he smiles. 

“Kay!” Gon turns back to his lab report. 

Kurapika has a good feeling about this semester—this school year. Gon’s timer goes off and Kurapika picks up Gon’s phone and turns it off. Gon goes to grab it while Kurapika clicks the stop button. 

Gon looks at Kurapika who leans back lazily on the university provided couch in the university apartments. “Wanna order Thai food?” He asks. 

“Sure, sounds good.” Gon says. 

“Tofu pad thai?” Kurapika asks. Gon has been vegetarian since he was like 14, and his coach is super strict on him getting enough protein. Kurapika doesn’t particularly like tofu, but he’ll eat it. 

“Sure! Can we also get red curry?” 

Kurapika nods and pulls out his phone, tapping away. Gon watches, Kurapika hates getting take out. Kurapika always says Doordash is overpriced and he doesn’t trust the workers with sanitation. He wonders why Kurapika is getting take out, when he just got groceries. 

“We could just make something?” Gon asks. 

“Nah, I feel like Thai.” Kurapika says nonchalantly. Gon shrugs, gives up and goes back to work. Thai food is Gon’s favorite after all, it's easy for him to give in. 

Kurapika knows this, he smiles to himself. _It's celebratory Thai,_ he thinks to himself. But Gon doesn’t need to know that. Gon doesn’t need to know how happy Kurapika is that he went _grocery shopping._ Gon doesn’t need to know Kurapika comes over to check up on him when he says he’ll help him with homework. Gon doesn’t need to know Kurapika feels so incredibly proud at this little victory. 

Kurapika would have hated it if a few years ago, when Kurapika was drowning in depression, someone cheered him on when he took a shower for the first time in two weeks. He would have beat them with his shower caddy. Maybe stabbed them in the eyes with the pointy side of his comb if they even mentioned being proud. Kurapika hates pity-praise more than he hates anything. 

He hated it when Leorio would call him every night to make sure he was home. He tells Leorio to lay off calling Gon— to be fair, he tells Leorio lots of things. He reminds Leorio that he shouldn’t feel responsible. He reminds them both that what's going on with Gon has nothing to with either of them. He reminds himself Gon doesn’t have what Kurapika has, doesn’t take what Kurapika takes. 

But he stares at Gon and he feels strong soul ties, like in a past life they were family. Like in a past life they were connected. He feels that string tie around his heart and he feels it supporting his weak blood vessels, he feels it helping him push blood and life into his organs, he feels that familial love, that familial bond strengthen his heart strings. 

He watches Gon bite his nails, and he watches Gon furrow his brow as he thinks, and his heart swells. That's someone he's got to watch over, that's someone he really cares about, and it's someone that really cares a lot about him. Gon, Kurapika knows, cares about him, _so much_. He remembers when Gon slashed someone's tires because they misgendered Kurapika continuously and called him a slur at one point. He remembers bailing Gon out of jail and swearing he wouldn’t tell Leorio. He remembers pinky swearing on it then laughing the whole way home. He remembers having to remind himself to be tougher on Gon sometimes, because Gon isn’t him. To be gentler too, because Gon isn’t him. 

“Gon,” Kurapika says. And miraculously, Gon looks up first try. Kurapika continues. “I’m proud of you.” He says. 

“For what?” Gon asks, amused. 

“Just am.” Kurapika says. 

“Oh,” Gon smiles at him. “Thanks. I’m proud of you too.” 

Kurapika laughs. “What for?” 

“I don’t know, feel like someone should tell you that too.” Gon shrugs and goes back to work. And Kurapika shakes his head, his smile never leaving. 

Of course Gon would say that. Of course he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I am flooding the killugon tag but what can I say? The hxh brainrot is strong. and also I write/draw when I procrastinate homework, and my fall semester started recently, so look out for lots of stuff from me!!  
> HAHA anyway you can follow me at @disastergaykillua on tumblr or @lunartlu on instagram!  
> XOXO


	5. hand holding and the homies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Rosie for editing!!!!   
> Also Thank you to everyone who comments and kudos, and bookmarked and etc. LOVE YA GUYS thanks so much!   
> Enjoy this fluff in preparation for the coming chapters! Hope you enjoy thank you for reading!

A week goes by; Gon blinks, and another repetitive week is gone. Except this time, he spent a decent portion of his time hanging out with a new addition to his mental list of all his favorite people—Killua. 

Somehow on Tuesday he got roped into doing laundry. Gon asked if he wanted to hang out after his practice, and Killua had said his laundry machine broke so he needed to go to the laundromat and he had offered to take Gon with him. He said it could be fun waiting around if you had someone to talk to. 

So Gon went, and it was fun, they talked easily about everything the whole time sitting atop their laundry machines, Gon kicking his legs idly as Killua talked to him about a crazy customer he had on his shift at work earlier.

Killua hooked their legs together at one point and Gon didn’t question it. He just let Killua do it, his stomach feeling queasy and his heart racing suddenly. He wasn’t sure why that little action, the press of Killua’s calve to his own, caused that reaction out of him. 

Killua had asked Gon the next day if he wanted to do homework with him and Alluka, so he went, and actually got some stuff done. Which was pretty impressive, considering they were outside on the metal library tables talking until it got dark. Eventually Alluka had gone to a club meeting, leaving the two alone. 

He recalls when Killua offered to walk Gon to his apartment, and Gon almost turned him down, he doesn’t really want anyone to worry over him, but having Killua walk him to his apartment would mean more time with him, and Gon wants to be around Killua as much as a blooming hibiscus wants water. So, like, a lot. Like a scary amount, Gon usually would assume he is annoying the person he's with, but one look at Killua’s fond smile completely eradicates his irrational fear.

They were walking side by side and Gon felt the overwhelming urge to grab Killua's hand and hold it close in his own. To rub his thumb on Killua’s pale knuckles, to feel Killua give his hand a reassuring squeeze. This desire was a bit overwhelming and left Gon pretending he didn’t feel it the whole walk back. He pretended he didn't feel that urge while he laid in bed at night, staring at his ceiling, thinking about Killua’s hand and Killua’s face, and well, just his friend. He saw Kurapika and Leorio the next day after practice and tried his best not to mention Killua in fear his want would slip out of his mouth and become a permanent thing. A permanent longing. 

Now, Gon looks to his left, silver hair reminding him he is in the same position as he was a few days ago. Killua is beside him, hands out of his pocket, swinging with his body as he walks. His hands call Gon like a siren, no, safer, like a light house calls ships in. Light radiant in the night, shining through storms, allowing ships a place to dock. Killua’s hand lays mere inches from Gon’s and Gon wants to let it guide him home. 

Gon thinks about his own hand. He has callouses from tennis, a few of them from having too many blisters. He remembers the one on his pinkie had just popped. He remembers when, and he remembers how that little thing had hurt so bad. He wondered if Killua had blisters. If Killua had calluses like Gon did.

“Do you have calluses?” Gon asks Killua suddenly. Killua looks at his friend and laughs, Killua had just been talking about his english assignment, but he is used to Gon’s random subject changes by now. 

“No, why?” Killua asks as his eyes smile with his toothy grin. His eyes are darkened in the night air, it's another cloudy October night, and leaves crunch loudly under their feet as they walk side by side. Gon watches the way Killua's eyes get squinty and turn into his happy half moons, the ones Gon loves seeing. Blue eyes dark and sparkling, the little moonlight reflecting in them as Killua looks up in thought. 

Gon thinks of the moon right now, and he thinks his favorite moon phase is Killua’s waxing crescent eyes. 

“I have lots of em, was wondering if you had em too.” Gon says, his boot crunching a particularly loud leaf. Gon swears he can hear it echoing in his ears. 

Killua hums. “Can I see your hand?” He asks. 

Gon nods uselessly, what more can he say as he passes his hand over to Killua. Killua’s fingers touch Gon’s wrist lightly, so light that Gon can barely feel them there. His fingertips are cool against Gon’s own burning wrist, and Gon wants it to last forever. Killua fumbles a little, and then he holds Gon’s hand firmly. His thumb presses softly in the middle of Gon’s palm. Killua studies the calluses above his palm, where soft skin should be, but instead, there's tough raised skin from physical labor and repetitive friction. 

Killua then, feeling bold, presses his own hand against Gon’s and Gon feels his heart beat hard, blood ringing in his ears, adrenaline rocketing more than when he is playing tennis against their rival school. More than when he went skydiving for his 18th birthday. 

Gon looks up at Killua as Killua brings their hands up so they can both see. Pressing against Gon’s own tan hand is Killuas cream one, long, thin fingers reach past Gon’s own short ones. 

“My hands are bigger.” Kilua says, observing, and Gon looks up from their hands, Killua moving to drop them, but Gon doesn’t want him to, so he—without thinking—hooks his hand around Killua’s thumb as Killua drops his hand. Killua’s face goes neutral at that, and he lets Gon keep his thumb wrapped up. The ball is in Gon’s court, and Gon, brave to a fault, moves his hand slowly, letting Killua take his hand out at any second, his grip on Killua loose and light like how Killua held his wrist earlier. It still burns slow, warm blood in his fingertips, but it’s light as a feather, and just as ticklish. It's like pressing your hand on the top of still water, before the surface breaks, and before your hand is submerged in it. Once Gon breaks the surface, he’ll be submerged. He just hopes he won’t drown. 

Gon watches Killua hold in his own smile and that is enough for Gon to finish wrapping his hand around Killua’s own. Killua wraps his larger hand on the exposed back of Gon’s hand, and he gives it a squeeze. 

Gon smiles. “Yeah, but I’m older.” he says, and he is so happy. He feels it coursing in his veins, content butterflies in his stomach—how could something so small feel so big?

Killua swings their arms a little, Gon swings with him. “Yeah, well, I’m taller.” He shoots back, there should be heat there but it sounds so soft. 

Gon thinks for a bit as they walk. “What's your GPA?” he asks, trying to find some leverage on him. 

Killua laughs as they begin to swing harder. “You’re a STEM major who plays a sport, there's no way your GPA is higher than little ole me, the liberal arts student.” 

Gon elevates the swinging even further, their arms going up almost shoulder length. “You’d be surprised.” He says, and sticks his tongue out for good measure.

Killua rolls his eyes. “It's a 3.6.” 

Gon looks at him wide eyes, they stop swinging for a bit. “Shit.” He says. He thinks about his own 2.9 GPA. He begins to swing their arms together fast again. 

Killua gives him a determined look and swings them harder, going to their shoulders now, and then almost past Gon’s head, and Gon has to cry uncle. He still has all of tennis season to worry about; if Wing didn’t threaten his scholarship last summer he probably would have kept going. But unfortunately, Gon has to quit. 

“Okay, that's too high, my shoulder feels like it's gonna come out of its socket. And I’ve had that happen so I know firsthand what it feels like.” Gon says as he stops swinging, letting their warm hands fall into the steady soft swing they had earlier, when they first broke the surface. 

“No way, me too,” Killua begins “How did you—” 

Gon cuts him off. “I went too hard at tennis when I was in high school and it popped out of my socket on a serve.” Gon feels his hand start to overheat, he hopes his hand isn’t too sweaty because letting go is the last thing he wants. 

Killua raises his eyebrows. “Oh shit,” he says. 

Gon shrugs. “What about you?” Their hands stop swinging as Killua almost stops dead in his tracks. Gon turns to the boy beside him and watches his face drop. Drop too easily. Drop too fast, the waxing crescents of Killua’s eyes move to a different phase, one Gon isn’t familiar with. It's like going to the Southern Hemisphere and seeing new constellations you don’t recognize. 

“Oh.” Killua says and it’s soft, the crunch of dried dead leaves drown out his words. Yet the Oh that his mouth leaves is deafening. 

Gon turns away from Killua, thinking maybe he should let go, but Killua gives his hand a squeeze, almost as though he read Gon’s mind and is telling him to keep holding on. Maybe Gon’s hand is like a lighthouse for Killua too. 

Gon watches as they crunch more leaves, they are close to his apartment. 

“You don’t have to talk about it, it's okay.” Gon says, and he rubs his thumb along Killua's veins concealed by his soft skin. 

Killua hums. He looks up at the cloudy night sky, the fogginess in the autumn air. The lamps glow around the thick air. It feels a little misty all the sudden. Gon wonders if it's going to rain. He sniffs the air loudly. 

Killua turns and gives him a strange look. “What was that?” 

“Just smelling the air. It's about to start sprinkling—I think!” Gon looks at Killua smiling. 

Killua almost laughs. “No way,” he shakes his head and looks ahead. “You did not just try and guess the weather by smelling the air,” 

“It works! Usually, I am very accurate. I bet, there's gonna be a big storm later. I’m talkin’ lightning, I’m talking bout thunder and shit.” Gon says, and he breathes in nice and good as he relishes in the way Killua’s face is back to his easy laughter. His comfortable crescent eyes. 

Killua’s laughter dies down, and he turns and really looks at Gon, Gon almost melting in the warmth of the gaze Killua sends his way, his head tilted in near confusion. “ I-I, Gon you are so  _ weird. _ ” Killua says, and it comes out softer than he wanted, and softer than Gon was ready for. It comes out like steam from his tea, warm and dewy in his face. He feels a raindrop drip onto his cheek. 

“Did you feel that? Killua, did you feel that sprinkle?” Gon asks, giving Killua an ‘I told you so’ face, his eyes wide and glowing. 

Killua smiles, the edges of his mouth upturned so soft, his cheeks blooming pink, from the cold or from the blood rushing there, Gon doesn’t know, nor does he care about the reason. 

“Yeah, Gon, I felt it.” Killua says. 

“I told you so.” Gon smiles back at him, then he looks ahead of him, determined. “Killua?” Gon asks. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you like to run?” 

“I love to run. I was born running.” 

“Let’s race!” 

“You would have to let go if you wanted to race, and lose—which you will, if we race.” 

As much as Gon has the desire to race, and compete, he doesn’t want to give up Killua’s hand. 

“Okay, then let's just run together.” Gon begins to sprint. Killua follows in suit, laughing wildly alongside him. 

“Okay, deal!” Killua shouts as they run, Gon laughing as they run through the parking lot. He turns and watches Killua's hair whip as he throws Gon a cheeky grin. “I’ll go slow for you!” He shouts with the wind. 

Gon cackles. “Must I remind you which one of us is a college athlete?” He asks loudly. 

“Yeah, D3!” 

“Hey! I detest that!” 

They laugh hard at that. Chest heaving, hand in hand, Gon feels hot already from the sprint. “That doesn’t make sense!” Killua gasps out. His breath feels knocked out of him, his lungs expanding, his diaphragm working hard. He feels breathless in the best way possible. This, running next to Gon in the light misty air, cold wind, his warm body, his sweaty hands, it feels so free. He feels so free whenever Gon is by his side. More free than he felt the night he got kicked out, more free than the day he got his scholarship, more free than he's ever felt before. So, Killua tips his head back, his arms outstretched as he lets out a loud laugh, deep from his belly, aching his lungs and his ribs, burning with happiness, with freedom. 

Gon stretches out his arms with Killua as they run through the crosswalk, the pavement hard under his feet. “KILLUA!” Gon shouts 

“WHAT?” 

Gon heaves heavy as they run. He musters all the strength he has in him. “I FEEL SO FREE!” He shouts as loud as he can, birds flying away from their sprinting legs, their pounding feet and his deathening yell.

Killua’s cheeks, chest, and ribs ache. “ME TOO!” He shouts back to Gon as they continue to run to his apartment, their hands sweaty, slipping now. 

“AH, MY HAND IS SLIPPING!” Gon screams as he laughs loudly.

Killua snorts as he grips their sweaty slippery hands harder. “I WON’T LET GO! YOU WON'T SLIP WITH ME!” He shouts back confidently. 

Gon screeches with his laughter and he tries his best to hold onto Killua’s hand. His heart beat, frantic and rapid, his body coursing with blood, his endorphins working the best they’ve probably ever worked. 

“I HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH YOU!” He yells as they get to his apartment parking lot. 

Killua grins so wide he is afraid of his mouth ripping in half. “SAME!” He says. And it’s true. It's so true it hurts. Killua looks at the boy and notices there's tears running down his face. 

“Gon, you're crying!” 

“THERE'S SO MUCH WIND IN MY EYE IT BURNS!” He cackles out. Killua laughs so hard he can't breathe, and they have to stop as Killua collapses in the apartment complex's nearest patch of wet grass. He clutches his stomach as Gon goes down with him. His whole body is aching from laughing, from running, from smiling. He rolls over, breathing hard, their hands are sweaty, sticky and hot, still connected. 

Killua doesn’t really want to let go, but Gon’s at his apartment, and he needs to go pick up Alluka from class. 

Gon wipes his tears with his sweatshirt sleeve and gazes at Killua. He smiles, crooked and easy, like his resting face when he's around Killua is a permanent smile. 

Gon seems like he can breathe normally, and Killua watches him open his mouth. “Huh. Killua, where have you been this whole time?” He asks. 

Killua looks at him dumbstruck. 

“We could have met last year. Where have you been?” Gon asks, his eyes squinty, he looks so happy. Killua feels that happiness bleeding into him. 

“I was,” Killua thinks, where was he? “Not here yet.” is what he settles on. 

“Thank god you're here now.” Gon says and he laughs. 

Killua wants to press further, he wants to ask Gon what he means, he wants to ask Gon what's going on. Does Gon know how hard it was for him to hook his leg last week? Does Gon realize he's the only person that Killua texts all day? Does Gon know how fast Killua’s heart beats when Gon laughs at his jokes? Does Gon understand that what they’re doing isn't just platonic? Killua really hopes it isn’t at least. He hopes this isn’t one sided, but when Gon says things like this, smiling at Killua like that, it helps ease his anxiety over whatever this is. 

So Killua just breathes out a weak and wobbly ‘yeah’, and they drop it, and Gon bids him goodbye, thanks him for walking, well, running him back. Killua nods and they leave it at that. 

Gon watches as Killua’s back disappears around the street corner from the window, and he doesn’t even notice his roommate asking him a question until Zushi comes up to Gon and lightly pokes him in the side twice. 

“Oh, hey Zushi,” Gon says. 

Zushi looks at him wide eyed and knowing. “You look like a blushing school girl.” He says jokingly. 

“REALLY?” Gon looks devastated. 

“NO! I'M JUST TEASING!” Zushi slaps himself lightly in the forehead, facepalming in exasperation. Gon looks away quickly and moves to take off his boots. 

Zushi watches his friend. “So who’d you hook up with just now?” Zushi asks. 

Gon chokes. “WHAT? I DIDN’T HOOK UP WITH ANYONE!” 

“Yeah right dude, you’re all sweaty and red.” 

“Yeah ‘cause Killua and I just sprinted all the way here from Netero.” He sighs as he rips off his boots. 

“Oh, you and Killua were studying again?” Zushi asks. He seems a little hurt. 

Gon quickly reassures. “Yeah, you can join us next time—” 

“Nah bro, I don’t know how it even happened but, uh, somehow whenever I hang out with you two and Alluka’s not there I feel like I’m third wheeling.” Zushi shakes his head. “Which doesn’t even make sense ‘cause I’ve known you like, way longer.” 

Gon watches Zushi flop dejectedly onto the couch. 

Gon frowns as he heads over to the fridge. “Hey, sorry, I didn’t realize.” He opens the door as he watches Zushi’s face. “I’m hungry, do you want anything?” 

“Nah, I’m good, thanks.” Zushi shrugs. “And, it's chill dude. I’m happy ya got a bestie who isn’t like, an actual adult.” 

Gon rolls his eyes as he takes out a block of tofu. “Killua’s 19 too though?” He asks as he grabs a knife, then he starts stabbing the plastic packaging of the tofu block. 

Zushi scrolls on his phone as his textbook lays out untouched. “No, I mean adults like Kurapika and Leorio. We’re hardly adults compared to them—oh also does Kurapika not like me? I feel like he doesn’t like me.” 

Gon takes out the tofu and puts it on a cutting board, pressing down with a paper towel. “What makes you say that?” 

“He's kinda mean to me.” 

“Kurapika is mean to everyone.” 

“Not you.” 

“Yeah, well, Leorio and I are exceptions. Other than that Kurapika hates everyone, don’t take it personally.” Gon says, smiling. Though it's half true. Kurapika doesn’t like many other people, but Gon knows Kurapika hates Zushi for personal reasons. Probably because that one time Gon had alcohol was because of Zushi. Gon explained to Kurapika many times that it wasn’t Zushi’s fault Gon caved into peer pressure too easily, but Kurapika holds grudges like nobody’s business. 

Zushi hums in thought. “Have they met Killua? Does Kurapika like  _ him _ ?” Zushi asks. No answer. Zushi asks again. No answer again, Zushi looks up from his phone. Gon is focusing intensely on the olive oil heating up in his pan. Zushi sighs. “I mean, he is practically your boyfriend based on all the time you guys spend together.” No comment. 

Gon looks up from the pan. “What? Sorry I wasn’t listening.” 

Zushi sighs. “Nothin’, just wondering if you introduced your new boyfriend to Leorio and Kurapika.” 

Gon looks confused. “What new boyfriend?” 

Zushi groans. “KILLUA!” 

Gon almost drops the cut tofu pieces on the ground. “WHAT—he's not my boyfriend!” He shouts, a little too desperately and a little too loud. 

Zushi gives him a look. “I mean, would you be against that?” 

Gon thinks. “I don't know, I haven’t ever dated anyone.” 

“You guys are practically dating already. You spend so much time together.” 

Gon hums as he opens a cabinet and takes out tongs. “We were holding hands,” 

Zushi almost jumps up from the couch. “WHAT?! WHEN?” 

“Just now! When we ran over here!” 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION THAT! Brooooo….” Zushi grins. “He likes you.” 

Gon looks away, his smile small. “Really? You think so?” he asks. 

Zushi throws his hands up in the air. “YES! I mean, come on buddy, what's not to like?” 

Gon frowns. “Uh, technically I have a criminal record, also I have comorbid adhd and—” 

Zushi shakes his head, interrupting Gon. “Okay no, shut up. You’re great.” 

Gon turns to the pan. He watched the olive oil crackle and pop over the water from tofu. Gon didn’t press the tofu enough. It’s too wet. “I’m really not though.” He says to the oil as it splatters and stings him on his hand. 

“You really are though.” Zushi confirms. 

Gon turns from his frying tofu and looks at his friend, his teammate, Zushi. 

He remembers this time he overheard Wing, his coach and Zushi’s uncle, talking to Zushi after practice. Zushi had been the only person willing to play doubles on Gon’s team. Gon is kind of a ball hog, he will admit, he always goes to the net and volleys almost everything. But Zushi is cool with it, in fact, he goes up to the net with him too sometimes. 

But Gon remembers overhearing Wing telling Zushi not to hang around Gon too much. And Gon remembers the sinking feeling in his gut as his back was cold against exposed brick in the athletic department. 

He remembers the way his throat choked up. And he especially remembers the way Zushi said “no, I don't care, he’s my friend!”, and Gon remembers how relieved he felt. 

So when Zushi sits there across from Gon in the kitchen, he feels his chest open up a bit easier. 

He shakes his head, smiling. “Thanks Zushi, you’re like, the best ever.” Gon tells his friend and he turns around and watches the tofu turn golden brown. 

Zushi just laughs. “I know!” He says, and goes back to scrolling on this phone. 

Gon smiles at his tofu, his hand is still tingling from earlier. Like little butterflies in his stomach, but in his warm, calloused palm. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay folks, I am like almost done with this fic, so its a matter of editing and uploading chapters at this point. I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter!! Thanks so much for reading!   
> You can follow me @disastergaykillua on tumblr!   
> xoxo


	6. Bars and bad memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.target.com/p/kleenex-trusted-care-facial-tissue-144ct . Thats a link for tissues. :)  
> This chapter includes possibly triggering content concerning child abuse and alcoholism. This begins at "Gon watches Killua’s face turn bitter like something left a bad taste in his mouth" and ends at "Gon doesn’t really know what to do"

Gon’s relaxing on the couch, typing on his phone, as his best friends Leorio and Kurapika are running around distressed. 

“GON, COME ON!” Leorio shouts as he throws on his coat. “We are about to celebrate my stupid ass pharmaceutical professor going on maternity leave!” 

Gon swipes up frantically, he is clearly playing some game on his phone. Kurapika shouts from the bathroom as he puts in his earring. “Isn’t it technically called paternity leave since he’s the father?” 

Leorio groans as he sits on the armchair, his fingers fumbling with the leather shoelaces on his oxfords. “I have a very hard time believing that old piece of shit is the father. He can tell himself his 30 year old wife didn't cuck him all he wants, but—” 

Kurapika cuts him off, rolling his eyes. “Leorio, just because you hate him doesn’t mean his wife slept with someone else.” 

Leorio gasps. “HE'S LIKE OLD, LIKE REALLY OLD, LIKE 67 YEARS OLD!” 

“OH, that's disgusting. Let's hope the baby isn't his. Ew. Fucking cradle robber.” 

“You know what's even worse?” 

“What?” Kurapika walks over to the living space. 

Leorio looks up from his shoes and gives Kurapika a dramatic look. “She was… “ He pauses for good measure. “HIS STUDENT!” 

“NO!” Kuapika gasps loudly.

“YES!” Leorio squeals with delight. 

Gon groans looking up from his mini game. “Guys seriously, gossip? Now? We haven’t even gotten to the bar yet.” He tells them, shaking his head. Gon was (and is) never one for gossip. 

“THERE'S NEVER A BAD TIME FOR GOSSIP!” Leorio shouts. 

Kurapka laughs as he smacks Leorio on the shoulder. “Leorio oh my god, you’re kinda a mean girl, you know that?” he looks at Leorio fondly, then the realization hits him. “Oh my god, I am dating a mean girl…” 

“GET IN THE CAR LOSERS we are GOING FUCKING SHOPPING!” Leorio screeches as he grabs his apartment keys. 

Gon pockets his phone. “Uh, I thought we are going to the bar? And I thought we are walking? Both you and Kurapika took pre-game shots already.” He says confused. 

Leorio gives him a dead eyed look. “I was quoting a movie.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” 

Gon moves on, not interested in what movie. “Anyway, can I invite Killua?” He asks as they walk out the apartment door together. Kurapika glides over and takes Gon’s arm in his. 

Kurapika looks at Gon, who pats Kurapika lovingly on the back.

Leorio watches as he locks the door. “Yeah okay sure, but you never invite friends when we go to bars, why Killua?” Leorio asks, his shaped eyebrows raised. He partly actually wants to know why, but he partly wants Gon to admit he is simping. 

Gon smiles as he looks down the dimly lit apartment complex hallway.“Yeah, well I want you guys to meet him.” His eyes soft and warm in the yellow tinted light the hallway omits. It flickers a little as they continue walking. 

Kurapika smiles wide. This means Gon is kinda serious about this, he never invites his friends to meet Kurapika and Leorio. Kurapika met Zushi accidentally when Gon was in the hospital and despised him ever since.

“Isn’t this the guy who you went and bought groceries with?” Kurapika asks thoughtfully as Gon skips a little, making Kurapika’s arm bounce in his. 

Leorio stops in his tracks. He looks at Kurapika and Gon animatedly as they turn around to see why he stopped. “GON BOUGHT GROCERIES?” Leorio yells. 

Kurapika nods his head sagely. “Yes, he had an avocado and everything.” 

Leorio gasps loud, clutching his chest with his hand. “AN AVOCADO? Oh my god, Yes, please invite him. I need to meet this man.” 

Kurapika smiles. _Kurapika, remember, Killua is on thin fucking ice, don’t give him special treatment becasue you know he made Gon get groceries,_ Kurapika thinks to himself firmly. “Yeah, how old is he? And does he have a fake? Because I am not buying him drinks.” 

Gon tries to hold in the big grin forming on his face, it's futile. “Oh, Killua doesn’t drink.” Gon decides against mentioning the laundry day, he doesn’t want Leorio to die prematurely from a heart attack. 

“HE DOESN’T DRINK?” Leorio screeches.

Gon nods as Kurapika starts to join Gon in skipping. “He's straight edge,” Gon says simply. 

“WAS THIS MAN SENT FROM HEAVEN?” Leorio screams, eyes looking pointedly up above him, asking the lord for help or guidance whichever works best at the moment. Gon laughs wholeheartedly.

* * *

  
  


Gon points and waves to the man to come over to their table at the bar, and Leorio turns to look at this ‘Killua’ person he’s been hearing so much about. Leorio had asked a million questions on the walk over, relishing in the way Gon’s eyes twinkled. 

He looks up at a tall lanky man, Killua, he assumes, has bright silver hair and is wearing a black choker with a big metal hoop on the front. He has a tucked in band tee, a white belt and ripped black jeans, which feature patches with political sayings sewed in and safety pins holding parts of the rips together. Leorio catches the rainbow pride patch on the jeans. 

Leorio stares at him, his bangs shaggy and thrown everywhere stylishly. _This is the heaven sent man,_ he thinks to himself. He stills and turns shakily to gauge Kurapika’s reaction. He knows how protective Kurapika is of Gon. 

Kurapika looks like he is staring into Killua’s soul, his chin is resting on his hands, his many metal rings shining in the dark light of the bar. _Oh fuck. Shovel talk of the century coming up,_ Leorio thinks to himself. 

The only spot open on their table is… Next to Kurapika. _OH GOD, KURAPIKA PLANED THIS!_

Killua takes the seat next to Kurapika and outreaches his hand to Leorio. 

“Hey, I’m Killua!” He says smiling, his smile is toothy and good natured. Sharp canines pointy as his lip curls almost maliciously—more mischievous than anything. Leorio grabs his hand and shakes it. 

“Leorio!” Leorio says. 

Killua lets go of Leorio’s hand and turns to Kurapika. Who looks him up and down, his chin never leaving his hands. “So, are you the one who took Gon to Costco?” Kurapika asks, smiling. 

Killua looks confused as he places his ignored hand in his lap. “Uh, yeah.” 

Kurapuka takes a deep breath, his hands fall and he turns his body to stare intently at Killua. “What’s your full name? When’s your birthday? Are you a Scorpio? You look like a Scorpio—no, actually you dress like you’re trying too hard to be a Scorpio, probably an Aquarius, no maybe cancer; what's your blood type? Have you been arrested? I’ve been arrested.” Kurapika’s eyes lower a bit as he continues. “I stabbed a couple of people.” Kurapika looks Killua dead in the eye. “Don’t regret it either. I’d stab them all again.” He says. 

Gon gets halfway up from his chair. “KURAPIKA STOP IT, YOU'RE SCARING HIM!” Gon shouts angrily. 

Kurapika ignores Gon and continues peering at Killua whose eyes are blown wide. Kurapika takes a sip of his gin and tonic. His cashmere turtleneck and chestnut cardigan look so soft, contrasting greatly with his sharp glare. 

Leorio laughs so hard he starts choking on his own spit. Gon glares at both his friends. 

He looks apologetically at Killua. Killua just gives Gon an amused look. Gon clutches his napkin, wringing it in his lap. “Killua, I’m so sorry—”

Killua cuts him off, ignoring Gon’s apologetic tone as he levels a cocky look to Kurapika. “Yeah I’ve stabbed someone before, Kurapika. Didn’t get arrested though. Looks like you got caught, sucker.” Killua says to Kurapika. 

Kurapika grins at him. 

“Who’d you stab?” He asks. 

Gon resists the urge to smack himself in the face. He didn’t know Kurapika was going to go full on protective body guard mode on Killua. 

“KURAPIKA YOU CAN’T ASK A PERSONAL QUESTION LIKE THAT!” Leorio shouts. 

“My mommy.” Killua says nonchalantly. 

Kurapika raises his eyebrows. “Oh shit, why?” 

Killua sips his water. “Personal vendettas.” 

Kurapika _smiles_ at him. Kurapika hates everyone, so Gon takes this as a win. He doesn’t know why he is so pleased to see that Kurapika likes Killua, or why he wants his friends to like him so much. That’s a lie—he knows exactly why he wants them to like Killua. 

Kurapika nods his head. “Mad respect Killua, mad respect.” 

Leorio puts his appletini down. He gives Killua a serious look. “Did you actually—” 

“MOVING ON!” Gon yells loudly. 

Leorio rubs his temple. “Gon, please stop yelling. I don't want to get kicked out of another bar.” 

“Or banned for life.” Kurapika adds on.

Gon crosses his arms. “Please that was one time,” 

Killua looks back and forth between them all. He swallows a big gulp of water. “What?” He asks. 

“MOVING ON!” Gon screams loudly again. 

“STOP SCREAMING!” Leorio yells. 

“WELL NOW YOU’RE SCREAMING!” Gon screams. 

“No, I am _yelling,_ it's much different.” 

“HOW?!” 

Kurapika gives Killua a ‘can you believe this’ look. “Please, act like adults.” He tells Leorio and Gon. 

Leorio picks up his appletini and takes a loud slurp from it. He sets it down and gives Kurapika a glare. “No.” then he turns to Killua and smiles. “So what are you studying?” He asks, it's a redundant question but still more respectful than asking who he stabbed and why. 

And yet, Killua looks ten times more nervous when Leorio asks him that than when Kurapika had asked him a hundred personal questions, including the stabbing related ones, and Leorio isn’t sure how he feels about that. 

“Uh,” Killua begins, “English.”

Kurapika covers Leorio's mouth before he can ask anymore academic related questions. “Nevermind that, was I right, are you a cancer?” Kurapika asks. 

“Uh I don't know, my birthday is July seventh?” Killua says. 

“YOU ARE A CANCER, I FUCKING KNEW IT!” Kurapika claps his hands together. “Hold up, when and where you were born, I am gonna calculate your birth chart and then proceed to psychoanalyze you.” 

Gon sighs loudly. “Please do not psychoanalyze Killua, Pika.” 

“Too late, I am pulling up cafe astrology as we speak.” Kurapika says as he pulls out his phone. Gon reaches over to try and take it from him, and they end up play-fighting a little. 

Killua laughs as he watches them fight over the phone, Leorio groans and sweeps in to grab it.

Killua grins. “I can save you the time and tell you my trauma if you want.” He says jokingly. 

Kurapika turns to Killua, his eyes happy and wide. “Can I guess?” 

Leorio frowns. “KURAPIKA! YOU CAN’T JUST GUESS PEOPLE’S TRAUMA!” he shouts angrily. Clearly defending Killua already. 

Kurapika turns and pats Leorio on the shoulder over the table, almost knocking over his drink, Killua quickly grabbing it before the water spills everywhere. “I’ll let you guess too, Leorio.” Killua says as he steadies the glass. 

Leorio looks up. He thinks. “Okay never mind, maybe I will guess.” 

Gon pouts, his arms crossed. “You guys are being so mean; I can not believe this.” He says frowning. 

Kurapika rolls his eyes. “Would you rather we tell him embarrassing stories about you?” He asks. 

“Yeah sure go ahead, I have no shame. One time I locked myself out of my dorm and I was butt naked with nothing but a towel and I had to wait for my RA to come let me in.” Gon smiles brightly thinking about it. 

“Ah, I remember that…” Leorio says, reminiscing. 

“Okay, back to trauma,” Kurapika starts. 

Gon interrupts him. “KURAPIKA NO!” He shouts. 

“Gon, come on, inside voice.” Killua says, pressing his foot to Gon’s shin. Gon looks up at Killua who is smiling at him, his eyes squinty, the dark lighting in the bar making them dark and his pupils blown to capture the little light. “It's okay, I doubt they’ll guess right.” He shrugs smiling mischievously. 

Gon swallows as he tentatively kicks Killua back, lightly. Killua smirks and he pushes against Gon’s combat boot harder this time. 

Leorio thinks to himself, very seriously. Kurapika watches. He knows when Leorio drinks vodka he can get pretty philosophical. 

Leorio finishes thinking, he brightens and snaps his fingers. “Okay, can I guess first?” He asks. 

Killua nods, Gon holds back a smile as Killua hooks his leg around Gon’s, kind of like when they were at the laundromat. Kurapika watches them and takes a sly sip of his gin. 

Leorio taps his finger on his stubbly chin. “Okay, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you have mommy issues.” At this, Gon watches Killua tense a bit, almost unnoticeable, but Gon understands what this position is like, he knows the situation Killua is in all too well. He notices how Killua’s foot retreats from Gon’s and how he plasters a smile onto his face. One that doesn’t reach Killuas dark blue eyes. Leorio continues while Gon drowns out his voice, only watching Killua. “Also this is gonna be what makes you have a defiance for authority, hence the love for punk. Also—” 

Kurapika cuts Leorio off. Drunk Kurapika means talkative history nerd Kurapika. “Wait, may I suggest a discussion topic, because I would like to implore the idea that being an LGBT plus member inheriently gives someone higher exposure to trauma, and almost like, makes it inevitable to experience some sort of—” Kurapika begins to go into queer theory. And Gon groans as Leorio nods sagely at Kurapika continuing into how society not only impacts but creates queer trauma, and he turns to Killua who is sipping his water. Not talking. 

To anyone else, Killua may look disinterested but Gon can tell he is uncomfortable, despite not knowing Killua for very long, he can tell. And Gon knows he’s right. So while Leorio and Kurapika are in a heated discussion on queer culture, he leans over to Killua.

“Wanna get out of here?” Gon asks as he smiles. 

Killua nods stiffly. “Sure.” He says. 

Gon moves to get up from his seat. “Hey guys, Killua and I are gonna go, we will come back if you get too drunk!” He says to his friends who barely hear him. 

“OKAY!” They say back simultaneously, not even bothering to loosen eye contact with each other. 

Killua moves to get up and follow Gon. distantly they can hear Kurapika speak. “Leorio you are so fucking sexy when we have socratic inspired discussions.” 

This makes both boys hold in their laughter, as they walk away from the table. As Killua looks at Gon’s face, who is trying very hard to hold it in, it makes him laugh out loud, a pouring out of uneasy laughter mixed with amused guffaws. Gon laughs loudly at that, they walk out of the bar gasping for breath, their ribs aching. 

Gon finally catches his breath and he looks at Killua. “Wanna go to this park down the street?” He asks, swinging his arms. He wants to hold Killua’s hand but he doesn’t know how Killua would feel when they aren’t on campus. 

Killua nods, smiling. He looks down at Gon’s hand and deciding to be brave, he grabs it while it swings brushing his own hand. 

Gon looks at him, his eyes lit by the lamppost, warm and happy as Killua gives his hand a squeeze. 

Gon sighs contently, allowing them to grow closer together, he rests his head on the side of Killua’s shoulder, bringing their clasped hands into his own jacket pocket. It's kind of cold out today. Killua has a long sleeve under his band tee but he wonders if he is still cold. 

“You cold?” Gon asks. 

“No,” Killua says softly. “Are you?” 

Gon shakes his head against Killua’s shoulder. 

They continue to walk in silence. It's comforting, Gon feels warm next to Killua and he hopes Killua feels the same. It's only been maybe two, maybe three, weeks of knowing Killua but Gon can’t really imagine if he hadn’t met him. He would probably be in the bar still, talking about nothing with his drunk friends. He wouldn’t have gone to the laundromat until it was absolutely necessary because he had no clean clothes. He wouldn’t have gone grocery shopping until Kurapika forced him. Yet he had wanted so badly to be with Killua he went with him to both those places, and he had fun too. 

He feels himself stroking Killua’s hand with his thumb. He feels Killua’s warmed up skin. His soft skin on the back of his hand. The warm skin on the back of Killua’s hand is thin, delicate and smooth, he lets his thumb go up to Killua’s knuckles, where he feels raised ridges there. Scar tissue. A big long scar sits smug across Killua’s knuckles. Gon thinks about his own scars, he has many, mostly small ones from being an overactive child. But he thinks about the biggest one he has. The one from his wrist all the way to his elbow. It's not _too_ noticeable anymore, it's almost six years old, it's still raised a bit, and discolored, but Mito always tells him that just means the skin there is new, stronger than his old skin. Like bark on a tree. 

He thinks about Killua’s scar on his knuckles, it goes all the way across them. He feels it on his thumb. Though Gon has just noticed it, the scar feels so familiar, almost like it’s his own and not Killua’s. Like the back of Killua’s hand is the back of Gon’s. 

Killua nudges Gon. Gon looks at him. He sees Killua ask him something, but the words are not processed at all. 

He watches Killua move his mouth, he hears mumbles and Killua’s voice, but he has no idea what the sounds are. He only catches a few words. 

“Sorry, what?” Gon asks, he lifts his head from Killua's shoulder and looks at him better. 

Killua starts. “I was asking what are you—” 

Right, what was he thinking about? “Oh, just stuff.” Gon cuts him off mid sentence. 

He leans his head back on Killua, even takes it a little farther, because Gon’s impulse control can only be so strong, and nuzzles his cheek on Killua’s clothed shoulder. 

Killua sighs at the contact and Gon wonders if he knows Gon isn’t like this with just everyone. “Killua,” he begins, deciding he should tell him. Killua hums in response. “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” 

He watches Killua’s cheeks turn pink as he bows his head. Gon can still see the small smile there. 

“Me too.” Killua whispers, and Gon catches those words on his first try. 

It becomes silent again. Gon squeezes Killua’s hand, they are almost at the park, he can see the bright yellow plastic slide from here.

Killua speaks up over the quiet bustle of downtown. “Gon,” he says, “do you think we were friends in a past life?” Killua asks, then he hums, indicating he isn’t done with talking. He looks up at the telephone wires above them. “Actually, maybe more than friends.” He says, not looking at Gon. 

“I think we were.” Gon reaffirms. 

They continue to walk over to the park in comfortable silence. Gon takes their hands out of his pocket and points over to the swing set. “Let's go on the swings.” 

Killua smiles. “Wanna run over there?” 

Killua watches the way Gon’s eyes sparkle at his suggestion, and he feels the way Gon’s bright smile blinds him a bit, warming up his insides with its brightness and its warmth, like rays of sunlight. Gon nods his head up and down hard and they begin to run over to the swing set, Killua feels free once again, like a couple of happy kids ready to go play. 

He slips a bit getting into the bark pit. The crudely cut wood chips sharp as they rush to the empty swing sets. 

Gon stares at the seats as they let go of each other's hands. It has water on it; he wipes it with his sleeve, and Killua watches and moves, doing the same to the plastic swing seat next to him. 

It's pretty dark, but the distant lampposts give enough light, the full moon is bright as it hangs in the sky, shining directly above them. The sun sets early in the fall. 

Gon hops onto the swing, his hands grip the metal chains, they feel dry and rusty as they creak under his hands. The smell of iron immediately wafts into his nose.

Gon kicks his feet as Killua sways lightly. Gon watches as Killua’s arms are at his side, he looks deep in thought as he sways. 

Gon thinks he looks sad. He stops kicking his legs, the gravity pulling the swing down as he begins to sway with Killua. 

Killua turns to Gon. “Can I ask you a personal question?” Killua asks. 

Gon nods. “Yeah of course.” 

“Why don’t you drink?” 

“Like alcohol?” 

“Yeah, and caffeine. Is there a specific reason?” 

Gon hums. He looks ahead. Staring at the empty playground in front of them. He observes the red monkey bars. His heart beats loud in his chest. He knew he would have to tell Killua eventually but, it still makes him scared. 

“Ah, that…” He drifts off. Trying to get the courage to say it.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Killua says, and Gon sees him turn from Gon in the corner of his eyes. They both stare out into the deserted playground. 

Gon shakes his head. “Nah, its chill. It's just I can’t have that stuff cuz I take medication that doesn’t mix well with it. Ya know, alcohol and caffeine are mood altering stimulants—or whatever... and I can’t have that stuff when I’m on my medications, which is like, um, all the time.” His eyes never unlock from the twisty slide. He remembers when he was a kid and he wouldn’t check it beforehand, and he would end up sliding into the big puddle of water at the bottom of the slide. It never bothered him then, but imagining that now makes Gon shiver. Imagining the damp stickiness of wet clothes clinging on his skin, the cold breeze making him freeze under the clinging clothing. 

Killua watches as Gon begins to swing lightly. It's silent now, Killua can hear bugs chirping in the background, the creaking of the metal swing, the chiming of the rusty chains. The breeze rattles through the oak trees surrounding them, cars pass the park on their right, illuminating Gon’s profile, his cheekbones blooming with the colors from stray brake lights. 

Killua wonders what kind of medication Gon takes, but he knows that's a delicate question and he doesn’t want to ask more than he should. 

Killua reaches and hooks his leg with Gon’s, who looks at it and smiles up at him. 

“Wanna know why I don’t drink?” Killua asks, as they sway together. The chains creaking loudly under their weight. 

Gon gives Killua a confused look. “It's cause you’re straight edge, no?” 

Killua smiles small at that. “Okay, I’ll rephrase my question, wanna know why I am _straight edge_?” He asks. 

Gon nods to him. Killua turns to the playground, he sighs and his face moves from its easy playfulness he always gets with Gon to something more serious. 

Killua plays with the loose threads in his jeans. “I used to listen to Minor Threat, and they were like the first straight edge band, like ever. And a lot of their lyrics were about being straight edge and being better than addicts, because they weren’t like, putting cocaine up their nose, that sorta thing.” Killua gives a sad laugh. “I don’t know, I just always hated the idea of becoming an alcoholic or doing drugs, so I thought, I’ll just be straight edge and boom I won’t have to worry about becoming addicted to alcohol, or weed—or like Valium, I don’t know.” 

Killua rips a loose black thread from his jeans and looks at Gon, who nods, his eyes soft, warm, and understanding in the dark. Killua remembers why he was so drawn to him in the first place. Gon isn’t judging him, isn’t pitying him, he looks at Killua like he really sees him. Like he really wants to listen, like Gon really hears him, like Gon takes the words Killua utters in confidence, the words Killua has sewed into his own skin, and he stitches those words into his own heart. The words turn bloody and raw and most of all, safe. 

Killua watches Gon as he takes in Killua’s upset face, waiting for him to continue.

So he does. 

“I hate alcoholics, and addiction runs in genetics, ya know?” Killua says. And he turns his face back to the empty playground. It’s too easy to talk to Gon, Killua thinks before he can stop himself from continuing to speak. “I became straight edge because I was scared of my own genes.” 

Gon watches Killua’s face turn bitter like something left a bad taste in his mouth. “My mom’s an alcoholic, actually just a druggie. She would be drunk like, all day, and take fucking meds too, and,” Killua takes a short breath. “She was just the worst. She was delirious all the time, and she would just like, not feed us, or feed us stuff that was basically rat poison, and sometimes she would tell my older brother to lock Alluka in her room, and I would have to try and get her out without them noticing.” 

Gon stays quiet. “She used to like, oh god, one time she had me tied to a chair for like three days. No water, nothing. And my stupid ass older brothers didn’t do shit. Just let it happen. Sometimes they'd have to stand and watch me too, but yeah, three days was the longest I can remember.” 

Gon reaches over and hovers his hand above Killua’s. “Can I?” He asks, and Killua snatches it quickly. Gon squeezes his hand comfortingly. “How old—” Gon wonders. 

“I dunno, like eight maybe? It happened more than a few times.” 

Gon watches as Killua stares at their hands together, he is looking at his scar. “My older brother, Milluki, used to beat me up a lot when we were kids, I fought back once, sliced my hand on his teeth when I punched him, broke his jaw. And then mom tied me to the chair again.” He breathes out and looks up at Gon. His eyes are glossy as he squeezes Gon’s hand impossibly hard. “How fucked up is that? Tying your own kid up?” He shakes his head, and suddenly he’s crying. He lets go of Gon’s hand so he can wipe at his face, The smell of iron strong in his nostrils as his shaky hands wipe his wet cheeks. Hot tears stream down his face and Gon finds himself off the bench, and suddenly his knees are on the bark, itchy and sharp through his clothed knees, and suddenly he is holding Killua in his arms. Killua’s breath hitches as he stutters out quick breaths, his hair tickling Gon’s cheeks as he presses his face into Gon’s neck. His sobbing growing quieter now, and he lets Gon’s jacket absorb his tears and muffled cries. 

Gon doesn’t really know what to do, doesn’t even remember getting off of the swing, let alone wrapping his arms and pressing himself protectively around his friend. He doesn’t know what to do, but he decides he will act how he would want someone to hold him, when he had crying fits like this.

He decides he will do what Mito used to do. 

He brings his hands to rub circles into Killua’s clothed back, he rubs his cheek against Killua’s hair. “Hey, It’s okay.” He whispers to Killua. “It wasn’t your fault.” He says, words he knows he needs to hear. Whether he is saying it to himself because he made Killua cry by bringing this up, or if he is saying it to reassure Killua it wasn’t his fault he was beat, he doesn’t know. But he knows he never wants Killua to feel guilty in his arms so the latter wins out. 

Killua feels so small, so silly and shameful. So embarrassed that he is letting himself cry into Gon’s arms, he never opens up to people this fast, so why him? Why Gon when it took him three months to talk to the therapist at the lgbt home when he was 15? Why Gon when he didn’t let anyone touch him or Alluka for six months after they got kicked out? Why Gon? When he had met Ikalgo at the home he couldn’t even look him in the eye until a couple of weeks passed. 

Was Killua selfish for letting himself get swept up into Gon’s warm body, was he selfish for letting himself fall too easily, letting himself be comfortable beside Gon too fast? Was he taking too much from his friend? 

Gon, as if in rebuttal Killua's overthinking, begins to nuzzle his face into Killua's hair, and whispers it wasn’t his fault again, and then again. Killua breathes hard and shaky, his eyes still leaking salty streams of tears. He presses himself so close to Gon that he could hear Gon’s own heartbeat in his chest. 

“Ugh, this is so embarrassing.” Killua whispers into Gon's neck. 

Gon shakes his head. “No it's not.” He says firmly, he tastes salt in his mouth, and he wonders how long he had been crying, he hadn’t even noticed. 

Killua pulls away enough to look at Gon, and he notices immediately. 

He brings his thumb up and wipes Gon’s tears for him. “You dummy, why are you crying?” He asks, but it comes out so fond, so sweet and tender. 

Gon laughs short and light at that, the smell of iron in his nose, the taste of salt and snot in his mouth. _I can feel how sad you are and it makes me sad._ “It's sad? I don’t like it when you hurt?” Gon asks, wondering if that’s the right phrasing, if Killua understands. His voice coming out high and raspy. 

Killua shakes his head while Gon’s silent tears finish their last quiet drips. “How the fuck has it only been 18 days.” Killua says, dumbfounded. 

“18 days?” Gon asks, his face resting in Killua’s hand, warm and soft. Gon’s arms are still wrapped around Killua, his hand gripping his back. 

“Since we met.” _Oh, Killua had counted_. 

Gon smiles. “No, remember if we count our past lives, it's been forever.” Gon smiles and he leans his head onto Killua’s shoulder when Killua’s hand leaves his cheek. Killua rests his chin on Gon’s head and sighs. 

“You really believe that? The whole past lives thing?” He wonders aloud to Gon. 

Gon nods, and Killua feels it. “I do, especially now. It makes sense.” A beat of silence follows heavy and foreboding in the best way. “Killua,” Gon says. 

Killua hums. 

“I am really glad we met.” He says, genuine and solid. 

Killua smiles, he thanks his therapist in his head as he nods. “Me too.” He says, feeling exceptionally brave. “There's no one else I want accompanying me to Costco.” 

Gon laughs at that, which makes Killua laugh. The bark scratching up Gon’s knees is forgotten as he kneels wrapped up laughing with Killua.

* * *

Killua and Gon are sitting atop the monkey bars chatting idly about everything and anything when Gon’s phone begins to ring loudly. Gon lets go of Killua’s hand and scrambles to get the phone from his pocket, after fishing it out he quickly swipes to open it, pressing it to his ear as Killua laughs at him. “Hello?” Gon says. 

Killua can hear Leorio’s drunken slurs through the phone, this makes him laugh harder. 

“Hold on, I’ll put you on speaker. I'm with Killua,” Gon says as he takes the phone off from his cheek and presses the speaker. 

“YOUNG MAN DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!” A drunk Leorio slurs loudly as Kurapika laughs in the background. 

“‘TIS THE WITCHING HOUR!” Kurapika says loudly. He sounds far away. 

“WHAT, REALLY?” Gon takes his phone off his cheek and checks the time. “Holy shit.” He whispers. “Killua it’s like midnight.” 

Killua rolls his eyes. “Midnight is not the witching hour, that's 3 am.” He says. 

“NO dipshit, the witching hour was originally 12 am during Puritan time. FUN FACT the Puritans—” 

“NO, shut up ABOUT THE PURITANS!” Leorio screeches. 

Gon and Killua look at eachother and giggle a little at that. 

“Oh okay, we can hang up now. WE WERE JUST CHECKING TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE SAFE!” Leorio says. 

“I’m safe.” Gon sighs rolling his eyes, but he's smiling. 

“Okay good!” Kurapika screams. “I can’t take anymore of you forgetting to sleep and then passing out or falling asleep in public spaces, LIKE FOR REAL! I almost had a heart attack last time, AND YOU KNOW I HAVE A PACEMAKER, YOU BITCH!” 

“You have a pacemaker?” Killua asks, curious. 

“YEAH, all the cool kids have pacemakers.” Drunk Kurapika doesn’t really slur. But his voice is loud and it carries well through the speaker. It's obvious they are back at their apartment. 

Leorio speaks up. “That's not true at all. Kurapika.” 

“Shut up slut.” Kurapika says loud through the speaker. Causing Killua to laugh hysterically. Gon gasps at that, his hand covering his amused mouth. 

“JESUS CHRIST KURAPIKA, NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!” Leorio screams, flustered. 

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t like—” Kurapika begins to say but then Gon immediately 

hangs up. Looking up at Killua, mortified. 

Gon looks down at his phone. “Oh my god.” He whispers. 

Killua laughs so hard he almost falls off the monkey bars. His stomach aches as he snorts loudly; trying to contain his laughter proves to be futile everytime he is with Gon. 

Gon glares at him. “That was not funny, oh my god.” 

Killua wipes laughter tears from his eyes. “It is a little bit.” 

“Well, I am glad you’re laughing now.” Gon pouts, and they swing their legs from the monkey bars together. 

Killua sighs. It is late, he should probably go. 

“Hey I should probably go, my car is still parked by the bar,” Killua gathers himself before he descends the monkey bars. “Want me to drop you off at your apartment?” He asks looking up from the ladder. 

“Nah.” Gon says, looking into the night. “I’ll walk.” 

“Actually, no, forget it, that wasn’t meant to be a question.” 

Gon looks down at him with his big eyes. “What?” 

“You just heard Kurapika and Leorio, I’ll drop you off to make sure you’re home safe.” Killua says simply. “You can’t say no if I’m not asking. I’m driving you back.” 

Gon looks at him, and he can tell his face is betraying him. He can tell his eyes are showing everything he feels when Killua says that firmly. He sighs. “Yeah okay, but it’s out of your way.” 

“Don’t care. I like driving at night anyway.” Killua shrugs. Gon stares down at him, Killua is giving him a small smile, one that is so sweet, his eyes indigo and soft in the dark. Killua stares back, his soft smile turns into an amused grin as he quirks his head at him. “Gon, do you need help getting down?”

Gon shakes his head and grabs onto the monkey bars, his warm palms meet the freezing metal and he lowers himself down, hopping onto the bark with a plop. 

Killua smiles at him, and Gon walks up to him and holds out his hand. Obvious what he wants. 

Killua’s cheek hurt so bad, he couldn’t stop smiling even if he tried, he laces his fingers with Gon’s easily, and he wonders if it's okay to feel this attached this quick. 

But Gon just tugs him along the sidewalk, and they skip a little laughing, and Gon makes him twirl as he tries to spin Killua. Killua laughs and spins with Gon, awkwardly and clumsily trying to twirl as he ducks his head low to fit under Gon's raised arms as they walk down the street downtown. The city lights glow orange and yellow, the brick paved crosswalk dry, decaying fall leaves lie forgotten on the sidewalk, crunching under their feet. Killua looks down, seeing a small rock, he kicks it and watches as Gon smiles in delight and kicks it back to him. And then, all of a sudden there they are, walking side by side pebble kicking together again. 

Killua looks as Gon gives Killua one of his crooked wide mouthed grins. “Killua,” 

Killua looks back at Gon. “Yeah?” 

Gon nudges him with his arm. “I really like you.” He tells him. Honest and brave to a fault. No filter when he talks. 

Killua doesn’t know what to say. He wants Gon to mean romantically. But does Gon really like him that way? Life is never easy for Killua, why would this be an exception? Why would someone like Gon come along and say that to him so easily? So quickly?

Killua watches Gon wait for a response. “I like you too.” Is what Killua settles on, as they continue walking. 

_Is it really okay to indulge like this? Is this okay?_ Killua wonders, his hand in Gon’s as they get to his car. There's no way it's that easy, that simple. There's no way. _Everything has a catch_ , he reminds himself as he gets into the car. But then he recalls the voice of his therapist, her words tired, her thick black hair pulled back with a barrette. _Killua,_ she reminds him. _Killua, you deserve good things._

But Killua peeks at Gon from his peripheral vision and watches him hum to himself absentmindedly, and he wonders if that's true. If he deserves something as good as Gon. 

Killua shakes his head. He is too attached. 

Gon turns to Killua. “Hey Killua?” 

“What?” 

“Thanks for trusting me with that stuff earlier.” 

Killua looks at him, and thinks wildly to himself, wondering when Gon will stop doing everything Killua wishes he would do. Killua shakes his head, smiling. “No, thank _you_ for listening.” He tells Gon. 

Gon looks at him, nods, and then stares ahead. “I know, but that kinda stuff isn’t easy to talk about, ya know?” He says and he takes a breath. “I admire that you were able to tell me and open up. I uh, it might be a surprise to you, but I’m not like that.” 

Killua looks at him and shakes his head, laughing. Gon looks at him confused. “What?” Gon says. 

Killua shakes his head. “Man, where have you been this whole time?” 

Gon shrugs, grinning, remembering their conversation a few days ago. “I dunno, not here yet.” 

“And, now you are.” Killua says, and feeling brave, he lets go of their intertwined hands and wraps his arm around Gon’s shoulder, pressing the shorter boy into his side. He notices Gon’s content gasp at that movement, and he takes pleasure in the way Gon quickly brings his arm up to mirror Killua’s own. 

“Yup, now I’m here,” Gon closes his eyes and smiles, leaning into Killua. “And you won’t be able to get rid of me easily.” He says. 

Killua laughs and rubs his cheek against Gon’s hair. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” He says and they laugh, breathy and light, as they get to Killua’s car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funfact: this chapter almost made ME cry while I was reading it to edit. Comment down below if you cried <3  
> HAHAHHA ANYWAY special shoutout to guess who? ROSIE!!! @sunnysideblonde. Thanks for editing babe.  
> Also in good news I have this essentially finished. So, you do not need to worry about me never updating again after this, which is nice.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, thank you so much for reading!! see you soon! xoxo


	7. Car rides and Corn mazes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am posting early, because, you guessed it I AM A FIRE SIGN I DO WHAT I WANT! Also, I am embarrassingly ahead of schedule. THANK YOU ROSIE FOR EDITING!!!! Everyone say thank you Rosie for the early chapter. ANYWAY I hope you enjoy it thank you for reading!!

Zushi is screeching Taylor Swift with Alluka out the window, while Gon sits in the back with Killua, watching as he grimaces awfully. Gon laughs at him, as he tells Zushi to turn the music down. 

“NO FUCK YOU, TAYLOR SWIFT IS GOOD!” Zushi says, raising the volume. Gon laughs so hard he starts choking, which in turn causes everyone else to laugh just as hard. Nanika lays in the back of Zushi’s hatchback, unbothered. 

Killua then puts his hand on Gon’s shoulder, Gon’s laughter dying in his throat at that small contact, just the press of his warm hand on Gon’s shoulder through his jacket is enough to make him feel light headed and dizzy. Ever since they had hung out at the park, Killua has been more physically affectionate than usual and Gon has been reaping the reward of his bravery since. 

“You okay?” Killua asks, smiling at Gon, his hand pressing firm on Gon’s shoulder. “Breathe, okay?” he suggests sweetly, his eyes squinty, soothing and happy. Gon, being weak, melts.

Gon nods, taking a big breath and Killua smiles, giving his shoulder a final pat. His hand begins retreating, and Gon being brave, reaches over and takes his hand, laying them together snugly on the space between them in the backseats of Zushi’s hatchback. 

Killua’s face flushes as he stares at their hands together, Taylor Swift fully blocked out now; he looks up to see if either Zushi or Alluka noticed but they are too engrossed in belting out garbled words and phrases he can’t catch while his ears ring. He squeezes Gon’s hand, turning his head to look out the window. 

“I have headphones?” Gon offers when Killua groans loudly at the beginning of ‘Never Getting Back Together’ playing through Zushi’s speakers. “Zushi, would you mind?” he asks but Zushi isn’t even paying attention as he drives on the highway belting lyrics with Alluka. 

Killua turns and smiles, reaching out his left hand, the one that's empty, and Gon digs in his backpack and pulls them out. 

Killua smiles when Gon’s fingers brush Killua’s for an unnecessarily extended amount of time as he takes the tangled headphones. 

Killua pulls out his phone, plugs in the headphones and opens Spotify, then he looks to Gon who is staring at the passing California cows out the window. He gives Gon a small poke to his side and Gon turns to him. “Wha?” he asks, then Killua’s holding up the left earbud to him, the right one already in his ear. 

Gon smiles and turns his face, offering his ear for Killua to put in the shared earbud for him. Killua blushes but reaches over, past Gon’s shoulder and places the earbud in Gon’s ear, his fingers linger, his thumb brushing Gon’s sideburns lightly. Then, Killua’s thumb’s featherlike presence is gone, its touch lingers on Gon’s warmed cheeks. 

Gon closes his eyes and leans his head back on the car seat headrest, his heart racing as Death Cab for Cutie floods into his left ear, and Killua’s right one. 

“Didn’t know you liked Death Cab.” Gon says quietly. Only Killua can hear him speak, Killua tries to not let this purposeful privacy go to his head. This deliberate separation, that makes Killua’s hands shake with anticipation, makes his heart pound with the knowledge that Gon wants to be with just him right now, in the back of Zushi’s hatchback, everyone else blocked out easily. 

“Didn’t know you knew Death Cab.” Killua says back, smiling, openly looking at Gon’s face as his eyelids lay closed, soft and delicate looking, something Killua rarely gets to see on Gon. He lets himself indulge in watching the way Gon’s dark eyelashes flutter on his freckled cheeks, his sun kissed skin. 

“Kurapika loves ‘em. Plays ‘em all the time.” Gon says almost whispering, mumbling on his tired lips. He shimmies, bringing up his feet to the cloth seats. His shoes are off, they’ve been driving for an hour and a half now. It's a long way to where they want to go. 

“I can see that.” Killua says, and Gon turns his face, locking eyes with Killua as Ben Gibbard sings sentimental poetic melodies in his ears. Light guitar and piano follow his smooth frail voice pleasantly. 

Gon, lacking impulse control, brings his free hand up, past Killua’s shoulder and brushes his silver hair behind his ear. Killua looks at him, eyes wide at first then, like tidepools at high tide, they fill up with fond things. Eyes softening, warm at Gon as his hand retreats back to his own lap.

Killua wants to ask what that was for, but decides against asking as Gon turns back away from him, closing his eyes. 

“Wake me up when we get there.” Gon whispers, like a secret to Killua, and Killua lacking strength, losing in a fight against his own feelings, merely nods. Overwhelmed with a sense of affection, he squeezes Gon’s hand with his own before intertwining their fingers. Killua breathes quietly before looking up and seeing Alluka staring at him. 

Alluka smiles wide and turns around, her own heart beating fast, feeling as though she witnessed something private. Killua’s face warms up, his cheeks ruddy as he stares out the window watching passing cars through the car's thin metal frame.

Killua hopes the next hour is long. He hopes the next hour is drawn out, he hopes Gon sleeps well beside him, his hand intertwined with Killua’s as his even breaths come out quietly. He hopes it'll be like this on the way back too, his hair still tucked lovingly behind his ear, as “Under the Sycamore Tree” plays soft, slow, and steady through shared earbuds. 

* * *

Killua pulls out his earbud as Zushi pulls his car into the dirt parking lot, then moves to take out Gon’s left one. His black nail polish matte, his thumb and pointer pull out the bud, all his willpower is being used to not caress Gon’s sleeping face once the earbuds fall into his open palm.

“We’re here.” Killua whispers gently to a sleeping Gon who groans in response, moving his head to the side.

“GON, YOU MOTHERFUCKER, WE ARE HERE!” Zushi screams as the tires go over rocks and dirt, making the car bumpy. Alluka laughs at the way everyone bounces. “Come on! You’re the one who wanted to come to the corn maze!” 

Gon groans, his hands rub at his eyes, and he looks over to Killua who smiles at him. Gon smiles sleepily back and Killua’s heart aches. _He has it so bad._

They all begin getting out of the car, Alluka gathers Nanika and some stuff in her big cloth tote, ‘trans rights or die’ embroidered into it lovingly by her best friend. 

Killua pulls Alluka aside. 

“Alluka I gotta talk to you, hold on guys.” Killua says to Gon and Zushi, who are used to Killua’s overprotectiveness by now. Gon, who is still groggy, leans on Zushi for support. Zushi laughs at his friend and begins shaking him. 

“What?” Alluka sighs loudly while they create a good amount of distance between the two boys. “Oh my god Killua, I will be careful—” 

Killua throws his hands up. “No, this is about me!” He says exasperated. Looking stressed. Alluka’s eyes widen, usually Killua gives her a safety rundown everytime they go out and Killua knows they’ll be separated. It’s super annoying to Alluka so she is both surprised and delighted to find out their special meeting is not concerning her. 

“What do you mean?” Alluka asks slowly. 

Killua looks around a bit frantic before leaning in closer. “Am I being obvious?” Killua asks, whispering. “You were staring earlier, and—” 

“Hey Killua.”

“Yeah?” 

“Has anyone ever told you that you worry too much?” 

“Alluka.” Killua says warningly. He is frowning. 

Alluka gives him a face. “Oh, just Alluka? Just me, every goddamn day of our lives? Oh, okay.” Alluka smiles at her brother, gives his shoulder a pat and goes to move away. 

“Alluka!” Killua groans and grabs her arm. 

Alluka rolls her eyes. “For real bro, just chill out, he definitely likes you too.” 

Killua stares. “You really think so?” 

Alluka closes her eyes, willing strength for herself. “Yes. I really do, and I am like, psychic so, you have to trust me on this.” Alluka smiles patiently, giving Nanika a pat on the head, “You agree, don’t you Nanika?” Nanika stares up at them, big brown eyes looking up at Killua. 

Killua sighs and bends his arm down to pat Nanika on the head, giving her ears a little scratch. “Okay, because I really really like him.” He says, not looking up at Alluka still. This is the first time he has admitted it out loud. 

“I know you do.” 

“I’m just, I’m just…” he trails off. 

“Nervous?” Alluka asks. 

Killua looks up at her and shakes his head. “No, I’m like never nervous with him, just uh, I don't know…” Killua says, looking oddly timid. Alluka stares at him. She has never seen Killua like anyone this much, or act like this about anyone. Killua has shown interest in other people but very rarely, and never like this. Never enough for him to be around them all the time, and talk about them to Alluka 24/7. Alluka has gotten very tired of Killua’s daily Gon monologues. A vivid memory of him pacing in her room while he explained he cried into his arms pops up in Alluka’s head. 

So, she looks at her brother, just smiles and shakes her head. “You’re serious about him, huh?” She asks. 

Killua looks at her. His bangs shaggy, sloppy, and all over the place as usual. He nods. 

“Yeah,” he says, “I am.” 

“Then stop talking to me, and go woo him!” Alluka says, making Killua laugh. She smacks him on the ass for good measure, and they both laugh at that as they walk over to Zushi and Gon, who are already in a deep conversation. 

Zushi is cracking up laughing. “Then?” 

Gon shrugs. “Then I told her, do you identify as a man or nonbinary? And she said no, so I was like ‘then you’re not my type.’ But I still let her arm wrestle me anyway.” Gon says.

Killua raises his eyebrows at him. “What is going on?” 

Zushi wipes tears from his eyes. “This girl tried to hook up with Gon at a party once.” 

Gon shakes his head amused. “I don’t understand why they try. I look like this, and,” Gon gestures to himself. He has his platform Docs on, jeans, a tennis jacket and under the jacket is a flannel and under the flannel is a plain shirt. “Oh sike, I forgot what I was wearing. I could afford to look gayer actually.” He finishes lamely. 

Killua and Alluka laugh at this, Zushi shakes his head. “You get more girls than I do and I am attracted to women.” 

“To be fair, I am very cool,” Gon says.

Alluka snorts at that. “Okay, Killua.” she says under her breath as Gon continues talking. 

“You’re also like 5’5.” He says. 

“BITCH YOU ARE 5’5.” Zushi screeches pushing Gon harshly. 

Gon clutches his shirt offendedly. “NO, I AM 5’7 and a HALF!” 

“WITH YOUR TWO INCH PLATFORMS, YOU BITCH!”

“DO NOT BRING MY ASS KICKING SHOES INTO THIS ZUSHI!” Gon screams loudly. “And they are NOT two inches, how dare you slander me.” 

Killua starts snorting from his laughter. Alluka looks at Nanika, giving her a ‘can you believe these weirdos?’ look. 

Zushi has his hands on his hips. “How the fuck are they your ass kicking shoes? You wear them like every day.” 

“I kick ass everyday baby.” Gon says shrugging and continues walking forward, his hands deep in his pockets. 

“I’ve seen Gon in Birkenstocks,” Killua supplies, kicking at the dirt with his Doc Martens. 

Alluka laughs at that. “All Gon knows is tennis clothes, his boots and Birkenstocks with socks.” 

Zushi grins at her. “I am actually surprised he isn’t wearing his little short shorts.” Zushi says pointedly.

“Shut the fuck up Zushi! They are my favorite pair of tennis shorts, leave them alone.” 

Killua laughs, he catches up with Gon who is walking faster ahead of them. “You are very defensive about your short shorts.” He says. 

“I hate you all, they are not short shorts.” Gon says laughing. 

Zushi laughs. “No you don’t.” 

“No I don’t.” Gon smiles, pulling his arms out from his pockets and draping them over his friends. “Now let's hurry up and get in line. I wanna go to the haunted maze.” Gon says, sighing happily. 

“You think it’s actually haunted?” Alluka asks. Her arm under Killua. 

Zushi shrugs on Gon’s right side, making Gon shrug, which makes them all shrug. “If it is you can hold my hand.” He says. 

Alluka rolls her eyes as Killua sends Zushi a glare from where he is snug on Gon’s left. “If I get scared?” Alluka asks. 

Zushi shakes his head solemnly. “No, _I’ll_ get scared, Gon can’t comfort me in this situation unfortunately.” 

Alluka laughs at Zushi, “We can all hold hands if Gon gets scared too.” She says pointedly to Killua. 

Gon snorts. “Please, I am not afraid of anything, or anyone.” 

Killua turns to him. “Really?” He teases. 

Gon nods. “Okay, maybe Mito when she is disappointed, but other than that, I fear nothing. Nothing should fear me.” 

“Yeah, okay buddy.” Killua says high pitched. 

Zushi nudges Gon. “It's true, Gon gets rid of the bugs in our apartment for me.” 

Gon not noticing Zushi was about to hype him up, laughing at a memory. “You’re a big baby, Zushi.” He says. 

Zushi gasps. “YOU’RE THE BABY! YOU STILL REFUSE TO KILL THEM!” 

“If anything, capturing them and releasing them outside is infinitely more badass.” Killua says. 

“Thank you Killua, and yeah, I’m NOT GONNA KILL MOTHS.” Gon says. 

Zushi shakes his head. His thick eyebrows downcast. “YOU CAPTURE MOTHS IN A JAR AND TAKE THEM OUTSIDE, THAT IS BEING A BABY!” 

“It's stressful work.” Gon says nonchalantly. 

“You really take them outside?” Alluka asks. 

“Yeah.” Gon nods. 

“That's very sweet.” 

“Thanks, Alluka.” 

The sky is getting darker now, the smell of cinnamon and apples spirals itself in the air, wafting in everyone's nostrils. Zushi turns and looks at the vendors. “Hey, they serve drinks! Hold on, I am gonna get us all cider.” Zushi says, unwrapping himself from Gon’s arms, before he bounds over to the cider stall.

“I’ll join you…” Alluka says, “Help you carry the drinks.” She says nodding to herself. “Come on Nanika,” she leaves Killua and Gon, who haven’t taken their arms off each other yet. 

Killua opens his mouth to say something, but like always, Gon beats him to it and cuts off his unspoken words. 

“What’s your favorite bug? Mine are definitely dragonflies.” He asks, his face is serious. 

Killua bursts out laughing while Gon stares in confusion. Killua looks at him, eyes melting. “I have bad news, Gon.” He says smiling. 

“What?” Gon asks. Invested. 

“I hate bugs.” 

“NO!” 

Killua laughs at his reaction as he continues. “Sorry if you see me differently. It is not something I can change unfortunately.” 

Gon rubs his hand over his face in mock devastation. “How could you, they don’t do anything to you! God, this is like Kurapika and spiders all over again.” 

“He really hates spiders, huh.” 

“Yeah, Killua, I once saw him throw a knife at one.” 

“Did he get it?” 

“No, but he got the wall. Man, Leorio was pissed.” 

“I saw Leorio on campus the other day.” 

“Woah really?” 

“Yeah he was all like what's up, and we talked for a bit.” 

“Leorio said he liked you,” Gon thinks back at the first conversation they had about Killua. _He seems like a good match,_ Leorio had said. “Actually, they both like you.” 

“Even Kurapika?” Killua asks unsure. 

Gon smiles at him, reassuring. He nods and turns away looking down at their feet as they stand in the middle of the hay laden dirt. “Yeah. Even Kurapika,” Gon turns and looks around quickly before continuing. “Okay, don’t tell Zushi this, but you are my only friend Kurapika likes. Granted, you are also the only one I had them meet on purpose, but still, it is an honor.” 

Killua smiles and his cheeks burn. “I am honored. Does he not like Zushi?” Killua, despite being friends with Zushi too, really enjoys the fact that he is different compared to him. That he is special. Special to Gon, and special enough that Kurapika likes him. 

Gon can’t stop smiling either. “He hates Zushi.” He says as if it's a joke to him. 

“NO WAY, WHY?” Killua laughs at his joke. 

Gon rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. Their arms are off each other now. Killua wants to grab Gon’s hand, the one rubbing his neck, so bady, but they are in public and there's a lot of people. It would be better to wait. 

“Ah, that's kinda a long story.” Gon says. 

Killua turns and looks as Alluka and Zushi stand in a long line. 

“We got time.” 

Gon rubs his neck again, one last time before letting his arms fall and go into his pockets as he sways in place. Rolling back and forth on his feet. “Do not judge me.” He says. 

“I think we are far past that. Don’t you?” Killua smiles at Gon, clearly thinking back about last week when he cried in Gon’s arms. The smile is sweet and teasing, and so wholly Killua, and Gon loves it. 

Gon looks at him “Okay, so,” 

“So?” Killua raises his eyebrows expectantly. 

Gon looks away and groans. “Zushi and I went to a tennis party near the end of last spring semester and he got me a drink, and I was like, I can’t drink that. And he said a little alcohol never hurt anyone or something like that, so I drank some, anyway, we went to a frat party I did some stuff,” 

Killua is frowning. “Was this when you stole a Trump flag?” He wonders aloud. 

Gon chuckles at that. “Yes, but like, I also got a concussion from hitting my head after tripping on a tree root—don’t ask—and Zushi was there with me when Kurapika came to see me at the hospital, so they met, and I had told Kurapika what had happened, and he has hated Zushi ever since.” Gon finishes before backing pedaling. “Though, it wasn’t his fault, I’m just kinda bad at saying no.” 

Killua hums. “You’re bad at saying no?” 

“Yeah.” Gon looks down at his feet, there aren’t rocks here, just dirt and hay, and you can’t kick hay, so Gon kicks up a puff of dirt and watches it dissipate into thin air, leaving a dusty residue on his leather boots. 

“That seems like a big problem.” Killua says firmly. Watching Gon kick at dirt. 

“It can be sometimes.” Gon admits. He looks up at Killua and gives him a smile, it's weak and pleading. Killua has only seen it a few times, though all those rare times his pleading smile is always saying ‘let's move on please’.

Killua hums, not really willing to drop something serious. 

Gon shoves him, and Killua looks down at the shorter man beside him, he is looking up, his brown eyes honeyed. “I have been good about it lately. Also I haven’t much time to party so I haven’t even been going to any.” 

“Because we are hanging out?” Killua asks almost worried, but Gon is smiling at him, and he has his crooked grin, and Killua finds it hard to worry or think too much when he is looking at Gon’s smiling face, shining bright in the cloudy afternoon sky. 

Gon shoves him weakly again. Playful and soft. “Yeah, but when we hang out it's like a million times better than any party. I would rather hang out with you at a laundromat than go to a party.” He says honest and reassuring, smiling so happily. 

Killua knows he means it. Killua feels the same. “We have gone to a laundromat together.” he says. Keeping it playful. 

“Yeah and I had fun, more fun than I do at parties.” Gon says, back to being authentic. Back to being reassuring. Saying exactly what Killua wants to hear without being prompted. Saying everything Killua wants, and doing everything Killua likes. Causing Killua to fall too fast and too hard. 

Killua smiles at him, melting tidepool eyes, soft smile like warm sand on cold feet. Balanced and sweet. “I also had fun.” He says to Gon. Quiet like in the car earlier. Like they’re alone in the backseat whispering nothings. 

Gon breathes out happily through his nose. Big crooked grin blooms on his face. “Good, now we are gonna have even more good clean fun at this maze.” 

“Yes we are, yes we are.” Killua decides he loves good clean fun. 

* * *

“Hey, Killua.” Gon whispers. Killua looks to his friend. The four of them ended up splitting up on accident in the maze, Killua is a bit stressed about Alluka, but he knows with Nanika nothing bad will happen. And he conveniently gets to be alone with Gon. 

“What?” Killua asks. Gon can tell he is stressed out by the way he isn’t looking at him completely, the way his eyebrows knit together. He wants to comfort him somehow, distract him somehow. 

Gon tugs at Killua’s corduroy jacket. “I think… I am getting scared now.” Gon is smiling wide. Crooked grin, straight teeth, pink cheeks. Crystal clear lies. 

Killua smiles at him, boyish and coy. “Oh really? You—scared? Mr. not afraid of anything?” He asks, his hand already coming out of his pocket and bringing itself to Gon’s, who intertwined their fingers easily. Killua’s heart beats fast. 

“Yep. I am absolutely terrified.” Gon smiles. 

“If you wanted to hold my hand that badly, you could have just asked.” Killua says as they walk together, in sync. 

“I will keep that knowledge in mind for next time.” 

_Next time._ Killua is too deep. Too attached. He is looking at Gon, their hands warmly pressed together, and he doesn’t want this to end. He wants to tell Gon that, he wants to tell Gon not to think of next time. Just to stretch this out for as long as they can. 

“Sounds good to me.” Is what he says instead. 

Gon smiles big and toothy at him while he tugs him along, reminding Killua he can just try again next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So folks, we are pretty far into this, a little over halfway! Are there any reoccurring themes people are noticing? Any metaphors being repeated? Let me know if you would like me to point out any of the symbolism I have been using throughout this, I will be happy to!  
> Also I would suggest listening or looking up the lyrics to Under the Sycamore Tree by Death Cab for Cutie. <3 
> 
> ANYWAY thank you soooooo much for reading! I love you all dearly! you can follow and chat with me @disastergaykillua on tumblr!  
> xoxo


	8. Study sessions and stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I officially finished this fic!! yay! thanks to everyone who supports me, comments, kudos and more I love you all. Thank you for being invested in my story! Special thanks to Rosie for editing this long chapter for me!  
> We have four more chapters to go, I hope you're ready for the rest of the ride.  
> As always, thanks for reading and enjoy!

“Gon!” A voice calls out to him. Gon turns around and sees a black lab running up to him. Alluka leads her as she jogs over to Gon, Nanika’s leash wrapped around her wrist protectively. 

“ALLUKA! NANIKA!” Gon squeals happily as Alluka comes to give him a big hug. Gon squeezes his friend tight then lets go. He wonders in his head where Killua is, but chooses not to ask that aloud because that would be rude. 

Alluka smiles at him; she’s pretty tall, maybe even six feet. Gon never notices because usually Killua, who is even taller, is beside her. Alluka’s long black hair reaches her waist, today the front bits are in braids. Her bangs cover her thin eyebrows, and her blue eyes shine, winged eyeliner perfected. 

They had gone to the haunted maze together last Saturday and he hadn’t seen her since, he and Killua had hung out alone the last two times and for some reason Gon feels a little pang in his chest. It hasn’t even been a whole week, but yet he had still missed her enough to feel it. 

Gon looks up at her, smiling wide. “Awe, I missed you guys, you look very pretty today! I love your braids!” He tells her honestly, sweetly, it comes out of his mouth before he can think. 

Alluka smiles small at him. “Thank you,” she says softly. “Walk with me?” she asks as Nanika wags her tail. Alluka looks down at her. “Ah, she is happy to see you!” Alluka gives Nanika a quick pat on the head. 

Gon coos at the dog, and continues walking with Alluka, a little bounce in his step. “You wanna get lunch?” Gon asks, as he looks at the ‘L’ written in pen on his hand. His timer went off twenty minutes ago, he turned it off and then immediately almost forgot about it, so now it's written on his hand to remind him. 

“Yeah actually that works perfectly, I had something to ask you.” Alluka says, as she skips with Gon a little. 

“Oh yeah, what is it? Also, is the cafe good?” Gon asks as they continue on the path to the library. 

“Yeah sounds good, and I am taking intro to marine biology—” 

“AH! Is Knuckle your professor?” Gon asks excitedly. He loves that dude. 

Alluka’s eyes are wide at Gon’s excitement “Yes actually, he is.” 

“I FUCKING LOVE HIM SO MUCH! One time I accidentally set a whole lab packet on fire from a bunsen burner, and he didn’t even get me in trouble.” Gon smiles, thinking back on it. “OH!” He looks at Nanika. “I bet he loves Nanika!” 

Alluka laughs at that. “He totally does.” Alluka looks sideways at him, wearing a mischievous smirk that reminds Gon a lot of Killua. 

“When you smile like that you look a lot like Killua.” Gon tells her. 

Alluka laughs at that. “Yeah it's probably cause we are siblings, but I think we just spend too much time together, I catch myself saying Killua phrases sometimes.” 

“Like what?” 

“You know when he’s driving and someone’s car is really loud and he says ‘okay we get it, you—”

“‘Have a small dick!’” Gon finishes with her. “Yes oh my god, please tell me you didn’t say that.” 

“I did, by accident too! UGH I will never live it down.” Alluka watches as Gon laughs at her, she is smiling, her eyes glint with understanding. This is the first time they have talked alone, and she originally had a plan to fully interrogate him, sneakily of course, knowing that Killua is practically obsessed, but she can totally see why Killua likes him so much already. There's an addicting quality about talking with him. “Anyway, can I ask you a favor?” She asks as they reach the steps of the library. 

“Yeah of course, do you want my old quizzes, because I still have them.” 

Alluka laughs. “No, I was just wondering if you’d help me with the saline calculations in this assignment I have? It’s kinda confusing.” _It's totally not, I just need to try and psychoanalyze you for a bit,_ Alluka thinks to herself. 

“Oh yeah sure, I get ya, I was so confused for a while, but like, I have been doing water pH samples since I was like a baby so it wasn’t too bad. It's just the numbers that trip you up.” Gon smiles. “When do you need help?” 

Alluka looks away sheepishly. “Tonight.” she giggles awkwardly. Nanika nudges her body against Alluka almost like she is disagreeing with Alluka’s dishonesty. _What, Nanika? I just want good things for my brother, and I wanna make sure Gon is a good thing._ She tries to speak telepathically to her dog. 

Gon shrugs, he's pulled last minute stuff all the time this is nothing. “Ah no biggie, I’ll just skip team dinner.” He says nonchalantly. Like helping Alluka with her assignment is something easy and not a chore, something he would want to do. 

“Are you sure?” Alluka asks, her head tilted. 

Gon smiles bright at her. “Yeah, this is more important than sitting at a boring meeting anyway.” To be quite honest, Gon never liked team dinners. People can be mean. 

Alluka practically sparkles at that. “Oh, okay! Thank you so much! Can you come over?” _Bisky can interrogate him too!_ Alluka thinks slyly to herself. She kind of doesn’t want to anymore, deciding to herself they will actually hang out, because she is enjoying Gon’s company a lot right now. It’s like Gon has a special talent of making people not want to think too hard when he’s around. 

“Yeah okay, uh wait,” Gon says. 

“What?” Alluka asks. 

“Do you drive?” 

“Uh. No, oh god. Do you drive?” 

“Nope.” 

“AH shoot, I can’t ask Killua, he's at work after his 1pm class until 7 tonight.” 

“I can ask Kurapika.” 

Alluka thinks, remembering the name from one of Killua’s previous Gon rants she has catalogued in her brain. It's like learning new vocabulary words at this point. “Ah, is he the one who Killua said threatened him?” 

Gon laughs a bit before quickly defending his closest friend. “OKAY LOOK, he did not threaten Killua, he is just intimidating and said vaguely threatening things. But like, he hates everyone so, it's not personal, you know?” 

“HE HATES EVERYONE? What if he hates me? WHAT if he hates—oh god, I sound like Killua, you know what, I don’t care, sure he can drive us to my house.”

“House?” Gon looks at Alluka. He holds the door open for her as they walk into the library. Alluka says thanks quickly before continuing to answer his question.

“Ah yeah, Killua and I live with our old foster mom still.” She says. 

Gon smiles at someone waving at him, while they walk through the sitting area. He says hi and turns back to Alluka. “Oh, cool, saving money?” 

Alluka smiles at him, while someone comes up and smacks him on the ass. Gon laughs at them and shoves them aside. “Fuck off Mel!” he says laughing. Mel, in turn, flips him off. 

“See you at dinner, superstar!” He says before walking away. 

“I WON’T BE THERE!” Gon yells back. 

“Oh, why?” 

“BUSY!” 

Mel walks over, he has green hair and bug eyes. Alluka watches him from beside Gon. The answer to his question in her throat. 

“Bro, you’re always busy. Hey, I’m Mel.” He says sticking his hand out to Alluka. Alluka shakes it. 

“Alluka.” 

“Yeah I know, Zushi won’t shut up about you.” Mel laughs. 

“What about Zushi?” Someone says, Alluka turns and sees a blonde person walking up to them, they have overalls on. 

“RETS!” Gon says excitedly, they give each other a side hug. 

Alluka watches. She knew Gon had lots of friends, but she didn’t realize this many. Especially since he has been hanging out with Killua so much. 

“Rets, this is Alluka,” Gon says. 

Rets smiles at her, still side hugging Gon. “Hey, I hear a lot about you and Killua.” 

Mel rolls his eyes. “Oh yes. The Subaru owner.” 

Gon laughs. “Whatever!” 

Alluka smiles. “His Subaru is the coolest thing about him.” 

“GON!” another voice shouts, and Alluka wants to scream. She turns around to see yet another person bounding towards them. _Oh my god._

Gon laughs as they approach. “Bro, I haven’t seen you in a hot minute.” The person in question turns to Alluka, they smile, “Hey aren’t you in my fashion history class? Alluka right?” 

Alluka nods at them. “Yep!” 

Gon pats her on the shoulder. “She always has cute clothes on.” He says. 

Rets grins wide. “Yes your dress is so pretty. You look like a beautiful amazon woman.” They say. Rets is like five foot two. Alluka smiles down at them. She grins, her jaw clenched. 

“Thanks.” She bites out. She doesn’t really like it when people call her an amazon. 

Gon notices the face Alluka makes. He grabs her arm before turning to all his friends. “Hey guys, Alluka and I are gonna go grab lunch, I’ll see you later!” Gon says, dragging Alluka away. 

Gon’s friends all shout goodbyes and promises to hang out while they get to the cafe and stand in the ridiculously long line. Gon turns to her and smiles sheepishly. 

“Sorry you got in the crossfire of that.” He apologizes. 

Alluka shakes her head. “Nah you’re good. I didn’t realize you knew everyone in this whole school.” Alluka stares as the person working smiles and waves at Gon, who waves back. 

“Wanna know a secret?” Gon says leaning towards Alluka. 

Alluka nods. Gon looks around and whispers. 

“I honestly don’t remember half of their names. I feel terrible about it but I can’t like, ask again because it's been too long.” 

Alluka stares at Gon, eyes wide, before she erupts into a huge laugh, cackling loudly. 

“Oh my god.” Alluka says in between cackles. 

“Don’t judge me okay! My memory is that of goldfish.” Gon says blushing as he nudges her. 

“Nah, it's just funny. You and Killua are like, nothing alike.” She says. Her ribs are aching. Gon gives her a look, so she continues. “Like, I didn’t think Killua had more than two friends all of last year. He rarely left the house. I made him go out and socialize this semester because I go here too now. No brother of mine is gonna be a hermit, Ikalgo also told him they wanted to support their event, so I forced him to go to the GSA event.” Alluka shrugs. 

“Thank god you did.” Gon says moving up in line. 

Alluka smiles at him. “Yeah.” 

“I’m really glad we all met.” Gon says honestly, as he looks into Alluka’s eyes. And then, Alluka truly understands why everyone likes him. His eyes burn, brown, passionate, honest, and pure. 

Alluka smiles wide, she wraps her arm around him. Nanika rubs against her leg. “Me too, that's why I am taking you home.” She says. 

“Ah yes, where you don’t have to pay for room and board.” Gon sighs wistfully. 

“Yeah. Plus, we don’t have to share a room anymore so that's cool. Killua is a total neat freak.” 

“Really?” Gon says looking up. He thinks about how clean his car was. 

“Oh yeah, see I like to kinda throw stuff around, not to mention I am lowkey a hoarder, not really though, but I just keep everything. So my room is kinda a mess. Killua always is like ‘ALLUKA! You are giving me anxiety! Please use a clorox wipe.’ and I am like ‘shut up no one asked!’ Then we argue about it but he always gives in. Plus Nanika likes smelling my dirty clothes so I don’t see a problem with some shirts on the floor.” 

Gon laughs hysterically with Alluka while she discusses her brother.

* * *

  
  


As they stand waiting outside for Kurapika to pick them up, Gon looks at Alluka who is swaying easily. Humming something. 

“Man, I wish I had your height.” Gon sighs. 

Alluka wrinkles her nose remembering earlier. “Dude you can have it, I don’t want to be this tall. I can’t even wear heels.” She could, but the last time she did someone was rude about it. So her platforms lay barely worn under her bed. 

Gon frowns looking at her sternly. “What no, wear heels, it's cool.” 

“How is a six foot tall woman cool?” Alluka asks Gon before she can stop herself from saying it. Technically she’s 6’1 but she just drops the one. 

Gon looks her in the eyes earnestly. “You can dunk.” 

Alluka laughs at his serious tone. “That isn’t reassuring at all.” She says.

Gon is fidgeting with his keys, as he looks up at the full parking lot. “If I was a woman, I would want to be six feet, maybe taller, actually definitely taller, I would be so much better at tennis, I would stretch my arm and be like halfway across the court. Also tall women are hot. Not to be creepy.” 

Alluka sighs. “I know, but I feel like I would be a lot cuter if I was smaller.” 

Gon turns to her frowning. “Nah fuck that, who told you that? I’ll beat them up. You're very cute, just standing there humming, you got a nice voice.” Sincere, and loving, his smile unshakable. Alluka looks at him, and she believes him, he probably would beat them up. 

Alluka smiles, she bends her arm down and scratches Nanika. “Thanks. I’m just lucky.” 

“Huh?” Gon looks at her confused, as Nanaika yawns. 

“I got to go on testosterone blockers when I was like 14. Perfect timing for my voice.” 

“Oh.” Gon says, staring at Nanika. “I always forget.” 

Alluka looks at him. “Forget what?” 

“That you’re not cisgender.” He says, looking back up at Alluka. “Was it hard?” he asks. 

Alluka smiles sadly at him. Remembering her parents before she left that house. Before Killua grew up too fast for both of them. Before Killua fought for her time and time again. “Hm, yeah, but not really. Killua is awesome, ya know.”

“I know.” Gon says softly. 

Alluka perks up. “Best brother I could ever ask for.” She sighs happily. “He helped me a lot. Also my other brother Kalluto, he's younger than us, but he used to give us money.” 

“Oh really?” 

Alluka nods. “Yeah, mom liked him a lot. He was sneaky and got away with stuff. He stole us money because we couldn’t really work and there's only so much L & K can provide.”

“L & K?” Gon asks. Curious because Killua briefly told him about the place they lived at until he was 16, but he barely talks about it. 

Alluka looks at the parked cars, feeling Gon’s gaze on her side profile. Seeing him look sincere and understanding out of the corners of her eyes. “Ah where we used to live. These two awesome lesbians were like, loaded, like super rich. And they had this big house and they would take in kids who were kicked out. Bisky, our foster mom, used to hang around there a lot and help too, and I don’t know, I guess we just grew on her, and when we were like 16 she took us in. Been living there ever since.” 

“So you guys are from around here?” Gon wonders. 

Alluka shrugs. “Kinda, like a few hours away, our parents actually live in Orange County.” 

Gon is taken aback, that's like seven hours from where they are. “Oh shit, how did you guys get over here?” 

Alluka turns to Gon, she grins at him. “Killua’s smart, he thinks things through. He had looked it up on the school computer, and contacted L & K, and Kalluto stole us money for train tickets. We kinda just escaped after Dad threatened to get rid of me.” Alluka smiles sadly. “I’ll never forget Killua going, ‘if you kick out Alluka, I’m going too, ALSO FUCK YOU, I am a big fat homo!’ Then he stabbed our mom with a swiss army knife he stole and we took off.”

Gon gasps. Though the ‘big fat homo’ part was funny, it's still shocking and sad. He doesn’t want his friends to have gone through so much pain. He wishes he could ease it, he wishes he could take the pain away from their past hurt. He puts his hand on Alluka’s back supportingly. Her soft sweater on his warm palm. Alluka turns to him. “That's so scary.” Gon mutters. 

Alluka pets Nanika, Nanika always calms her down. Her black fur comforting as she scratches behind floppy ears. “We only had each other in that house too. We felt more alone together in there than we did on the train, or homeless on the streets.” 

“You guys… are so strong.” Gon says. He means it. 

Alluka smiles, her eyes glossy. “Thanks. You are too.” 

Gon turns away. “You don’t know that.” It's bitter. Alluka doesn’t understand where that came from, but she knows not to pry. 

“You're a student athlete.” She jokes, and it works—Gon laughs at that. She continues. “Also, you're like 5’5 and play college tennis.” 

Gon groans at that. Smiling, he counters immediately. “I’m 5’6 actually, ugh honestly the height was my fault, I went vegan when I was like 11 and it stunted my growth.” He says then drags his hand down his face. 

Alluka laughs. “Whoa really? What why?” 

Gon smiles back at the memory, going vegan lasted like two years, he’s just a vegetarian now, but he will go back to being vegan one day, hopefully when his appetite is better. “I used to help out with animals a lot, where I lived, we ate mainly fish, so I already wasn’t eating much meat, but I felt bad eating them when I was like, nursing them to health. So like, I just stopped.” _Kite was vegan._ Gon remembers to himself. _I wanted to be like him. I want to be like him still._ He never tells people that's why he went vegan, but he figured Mito and everyone in the town already knew. So when he half lied about the animals they never questioned him. 

Alluka pokes him in the side, Gon looks at her. “Killua is right.” She says. 

“Hm?” 

“You think a lot harder than people think you do.” 

Gon throws back his head and laughs at that. “Is that supposed to be a compliment?” 

“It’s Killua, so yeah.” Alluka laughs back with him.

“Right, right, backhanded compliments are his speciality.” 

“Mhm, oh is that your friend?” Alluka points as a grey Jetta honks at them.

Gon smiles super wide as he bounces a little, waving widely at the car. “Yeah that's him!” 

They start walking over to the car. Alluka recognizes it from campus. “He's got a trans pride bumper sticker, I’ve seen his car around here.” 

Gon smiles remembering. “Oh that is a funny story, you should ask him about it. He will definitely like you if you ask about that.” 

Alluka looks at him as they approach the car. “You think he’ll like me?” 

Gon nods overzealous. “Yes of course, just make sure to laugh when I do, I’ll give you cues. He likes it when people listen to his stories.” 

“Okay, sounds good.” Alluka says, waiting for Gon to open the door. 

“Mhm.” he says to her and opens the door. “KURAPIKA!” he screams at his friend, when he opens the door. 

Kurapika, Alluka notes, the one who ‘threatened’ Killua, has blonde hair at his shoulder, long bangs, and a brown cardigan on. 

He turns to Alluka after smiling and patting Gon. “Hey, you must be Alluka.” He says. 

Alluka nods. “Yep.” 

“I heard lots about you, all good no worries.” Kurapika says as he puts the car in drive. “I’m Kurapika. Gon’s personal Uber.” 

Alluka laughs as Kurapika punches Gon playfully on the arm. “But,” Kurapika says, cutting Gon off before he has the chance to defend himself. “Lately, he has been using Uber XL.” 

Alluka laughs harder. “Killua’s Subaru?” She asks. 

“Mhm.” 

“Funnily enough, both cars have a trans pride sticker.” Alluka mentions, ready for the story. 

Kurapika smiles wide, Alluka stares at him in his rearview mirror, his aviators on, he clutches the steering wheel with his ringed fingers. “That is a long story. Okay, so….” He begins telling it, and Gon doesn’t even need to give Alluka cues

* * *

“What the hell? Gon?” Killua almost screams in shock when he enters the dining room to see a black tennis jacket labeled “FREECSS” staring back at him. 

He gives Alluka a look, who smiles and turns back to her homework. Bisky looks up from her work laptop, she sits at a desk right by them. 

Gon turns his head and gives him a dazzling smile, like he was just meant to be here. “Oh hi honey, how was work?” Gon teases, remembering Bisky and Alluka had told him to say that. 

Bisky laughs, and Killua glares at the older woman. 

Killua sputters. “Shut up. You’re a stalker now?” He says, moving to sit down. He takes his leather messenger bag back off his shoulder before sitting next to Alluka. 

“Don’t be rude, Killua.” Bisky says from her work desk. Killua watches as she smiles warmly at Gon. _Goddammit, Bisky was charmed by him._ No surprise there. 

Alluka looks up at Bisky and Gon. She didn’t intend Bisky to like Gon that much, but she isn’t upset about it, in fact she’s delighted. Bisky saw Gon and Alluka when she came back home from the store. They were sitting there laughing while Gon explained how snails reproduce too much for fish tanks, and immediately she had asked if Gon was Alluka’s boyfriend, which made both of them laugh so hard they were crying. 

“Actually,” Gon had said, wiping his tears from laughing, “I’m not, I’m just here to help Alluka with homework.” 

Bisky nodded. “Oh okay. A tutor?” 

Alluka shook her head, she was still recovering from laughing. “He’s Gon.” she said as though it had explained everything. Because it did. 

Bisky made a face of understanding when Alluka had said that, having heard so much about him from Killua. “Oh, _you’re_ Gon.” she said slowly. 

“Mhm, I am the one who Killua drives everywhere.” He said as he smiled and held his hand out. 

Bisky smiled back, stuck her own hand out, gold rings and bangle bracelets adorned it. “Biscuit, you can call me Bisky though.” 

“Biscuit like the cookie?” Gon said, a big smile on his face. 

“No,” Bisky said. “Like the cracker.” She deadpanned. 

That made Gon laugh, and Bisky gave him a fake smile. 

“Okay, cut the suck up act, are you using my boy for his car?” Bisky looked at him sternly. Alluka choked, and tried to hold in laughter. 

Gon stared blankly at her, confused. “His car? His 1999 Subaru Outback that broke down on him five times, and has a malfunctioning window? That car?” Gon laughs loudly, while Bisky stares at him, she didn’t know the window malfunctioned. Gon stopped laughing and made a serious face. “No. I have friends who have real cars, that work, I just like him a lot, so I put up with his car.” 

Bisky changed attitudes so fast at that. Bisky smiled so sweetly at him, she loves honesty, and it is obvious Gon is honest to a fault. Just confessing that he likes Killua like it's common knowledge. Alluka wanted to scream. That was the fastest she has ever seen Bisky warm up to someone. It took Killua almost nine months! 

Now, she watches Bisky defend Gon, after having met him four hours ago. 

“Yeah, thank you Bisky.” Gon sticks his tongue out at him. “Alluka needed help with her marine bio class. I’m just teaching her about saline and carbon levels in the ocean.” Gon says happily. 

Killua looks at the course work, he doesn’t believe Alluka would need help. “Mhm.” Is all he says to that, looking uncertain and teasing at Gon. 

“Well, since he’s here, he’s staying for dinner.” Bisky says, she already fell in love with Gon. Killua curses his extroverted friend and Bisky’s job where she works from home, allowing her to be exposed to Gon and his crooked smiles and easy laughter. 

“Oh thank you, I appreciate it.” Gon says. 

“See Killua, why can’t you be sweet like him?” Bisky teases. 

“Killus is very sweet, one time he told me I wasn’t all that bad.” Gon says, leaning back in his chair stretching, 

Alluka hums. Biksy laughs. “That may have been Killua’s best compliment.” 

“SHUT UP, ugh Bisky, whatever. I am gonna go shower.” Killua frowns, then gets up and marches out the room. 

“After, will you join us with homework?” Alluka asks. Before she slides her paper to Gon pointing at the answer. Gon looks at it.

“Yeah! Also Alluka, that's wrong, you gotta move your decimal.” 

“OH RIGHT!” 

Bisky stops typing and looks up. “Gon, what do you want for dinner anyway?” 

“Oh anything is fine Bisky, thank you, I can help too if you want,” Gon says, his leg bouncing. “I’m basically a pro chef.” 

“No, don't move. Someone needs to feed you.” Bisky says getting up, she was waiting for Killua to come home before she started ordering take out. “Killua has been significantly less pissy this whole month, and I finally found out why.” She says as she grabs her phone opening up Doordash. 

Gon laughs. “Is it the flintstone gummy vitamins I got him?” 

“THAT WAS YOU?” Alluka screams. 

“YEAH!” Gon nods. 

Bisky shakes her head amused. Distantly they hear the shower running, and Alluka times it. Fastest shower Killua ever took. 

* * *

Killua drove Gon home. He didn’t even ask, just told him to get in the car. 

They’re talking about his work, now Gon just told him he never had a job. 

“I mean I volunteered at a marine life research facility back in my hometown but that wasn't paid.” Gon says as Killua parks in the drop-off zone. They usually park and keep talking for like thirty minutes before begrudgingly saying goodbye. This time is no exception. 

“How do you even afford college? You loaded or something?” Killua wonders, boyish smirk showing, his canines sharp. 

Gon shrugs. “I mean, technically, my dad is. At least that's what I’ve been told.” He says, looking at Killua’s teeth. 

Killua makes a confused face. “What do you mean?”

“Ah. I never met him.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah he just sends me money, so like, I am not complaining, but I don’t really know much about him other than what I’ve been told.” Gon’s feet are on the car seat, his knees pressed up to his chest, he’s being very nonchalant about an absent father. 

“I see.” Killua trails off. He doesn’t want to pry, but he’s very curious. 

“Yeah. My aunt refused money from him, but I was like uh no, Mito, save the money for me, for college, so I took the money, obviously.” Gon looks out the window. “I tried to meet him once.” 

“Oh yeah?” Killua says perking up, turning to look at Gon as he stares out the window. His cheekbones lit yellow by the car's radio light. 

“Yeah.” Gon says. Not elaborating. 

“What happened?” Killua asks. 

Gon makes a face and turns to look at Killua. “Well, I was like twelve and I also thought I could drive a stolen car to the airport, so it went as well as you think it would.” 

Killua knows Gon is trying to joke about it so he lets himself laugh. “You stole a car at twelve? Are you stupid?” 

“Yeah. Not my best idea. I ended up getting charged with mass arson because I crashed it and it burst into flames, and it got on some trees.” 

“Oh my god.” 

Gon laughs at the memory, remembering calling the police on himself and trying to extinguish the fire uselessly. He remembers Mito’s face when she came to pick him up from holding. He remembers Kite coming to visit him after he got a new car. He was mad at first, giving him a brotherly jab on the arm. Before going into a paternal-like lecture. 

“Yeah, Kite was really mad at me, it was his car after all, and Mito had to come pick me up from the juvenile detention center, and I was on house arrest for like, six months.” Gon says, smiling at the memory in good humor. 

Killua smiles too, he always smiles when Gon does. His smile is infectious, at least that's what he tells himself. Curious and excited to hear stories, “Kite? Who’s Kite?” He asks, wanting to know everything about Gon desperately, as always. Killua has heard all about Mito, but this is the first mention of Kite. But, Killua doesn’t expect his friend’s face to crumble at his question. 

Gon’s mind blanks. He mentioned him. Out loud.

He mentioned _him_ and now Killua is asking and he doesn’t know what to say. What can he say? How can he describe Kite? How would he even begin to explain who he was to him? Would he call him a friend? Would he call him a brother? An uncle? A strange man he met wandering around on the beach. The man who poured urine on his jellyfish sting? The man who taught him everything he knows about the ocean, about the forest, about himself. 

“Gon?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Who’s Kite?” 

Gon just shakes his head. And Killua feels more confused than ever. “I don’t even know where to begin.” Gon whispers. 

Killua waits. 

Gon smiles sadly. “He was a cool guy,” he says. Gon feels his chest close up. He breathes out, long. “Sorry. Haven’t talked about him in a while.” Last time was at therapy, and it didn’t go too well.

Killua nods his head at him. “I understand.” he says. 

It goes quiet for a while. Killua watches as Gon struggles to find words, his hands twiddling in his lap. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be just like him.” Gon says quietly. He turns to Killua, smiles soft, sad and small, and then turns away, his smile leaving, his eyes burning. He furrows his brows at the lampposts in the dark, watching car taillights, holding in tears. “He worked at the research facility where I lived, he taught me all about plants and animals. He knew my dad—apparently my dad taught him the stuff he knew, and everyone considered Kite lucky cause of it, but I was way luckier. Cause I knew him.” 

Killua wants to ask what happened to Kite, why Gon is using past tense, why it’s hard to talk about, but he knows he shouldn’t pry. 

And Killua isn’t dumb, he can read the way Gon’s face falls as he holds in tears threatening to spill over, he can read the way Gon isn’t looking at him, isn’t breathing normal. 

It’s obvious to him. Kite’s dead. 

Death is hard to talk about, Killua understands this. So he nods his head lamely waiting for Gon to continue. 

But Gon doesn’t continue. He just goes quiet again. The radio plays music staticky and low. Gon sighs and Killua looks at him, feeling as though he himself might begin to cry.

“Sorry.” Gon says, shaking his head. “I just miss him a lot. It's hard.” Is all he says, before turning in his seat, opening Killua’s console, and pulling out a random mixtape. He pops it out of the case and presses it into Killua’s car radio. 

Instantly music floods into the car through the old speakers, Gon feels relief but then because life is always complicated for Gon, always cruel and ironic for Gon, “Wish You Were Here” blasts through the speakers. Gon frowns deeply, lets out a bitter laugh, his chin twitching as he holds in his tears before opening the car door and leaving without saying goodbye. 

Killua watches him leave, and he wonders if he should chase after him. But being afraid, decides to stay. 

He watches Gon disappear into his apartment, puts his hand on the stick shift, and reverses, driving away. Feeling sorry for leaving, feeling sorry for Gon, and most of all, feeling sorry for himself. For being afraid. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-) I think this is the first time I left on a cliff hanger (kinda). I hope you enjoyed this, see you soon!!  
> xoxo  
> you can find me on tumblr @disastergaykillua! my asks/dms are always open to talk about my fics :-)


	9. illegal u turns and sleepovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one of my favorites so heres an early update! Thank you so much rosie for editing <3  
> ALSO MORE IMPORTANTLY this chapter contains triggering content involving child abuse and implied self harm. to skip the implied self harm skip starting from "Killua drags his fingers down and up Gon’s arm soothingly," and continue at "“Can you talk?” Gon whispers."  
> as always thank you for reading and enjoy!!

Killua watches the light turn red as he pulls to the line, foot on the brake, hand moving his stick shift. His car bounces back as he watches the cars streamline into the street, some making u-turns. 

Killua sits watching, he’s in the left lane, going to turn left to go home. 

He’s watching cars turn into the street, his heart burns acidic, he watches as the light goes yellow, his heart beats sporadic, the last car makes a U-turn as the light turns red, then Killua feels himself scream. 

“FUCK!” He screams as he slams his head into the steering wheel. 

He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Gon crying alone, he feels like an awful friend, an awful whatever they are right now, and he lets himself cry big fat stressed tears. 

He pulls his forehead up from the steering wheel; he looks at the blurry lights, he looks at his traffic light. No U-turns are allowed where he is, left turns only. His light turns green, and there's a cop car in front of him. Killua curses the world, locks eyes with the cop, and begins turning, before removing his eye contact, and pulling his steering wheel taut. He makes an illegal U-turn and begins driving back to Gon’s apartment. 

Cop lights flash at him, red and blue back and forth. Killua curses the world again, and continues driving back to Gon. 

* * *

Killua crinkles the stupid ticket in his hands. He wishes the fist he is making now was used to punch the cop, but he didn’t feel like wasting more time so he took the fine and left it at that. 

He knocks on the door a few times. 

No answer. 

He curses, his fists clenched, knuckles going white. He unclenches them, looks around quickly, then he digs in his jean pocket, taking out his wallet. Killua takes out his credit card, and takes a safety pin off from his pants and begins fiddling with the lock on the door. 

“Killua, what the fuck?” 

Killua turns around fast to see Zushi standing there, groceries in his hands. 

“Hey,” he says, caught red handed. 

Zushi frowns. “Okay, you can not be lockpicking my door and just say _hey._ ” 

Killua looks away from Zushi and back to the door. “Listen, Gon is in there. I just need to make sure he’s okay.” Killua says impatiently. This is urgent for him. 

Zushi walks closer, understanding dawning on him. Kurapika had done something similar to what Killua is doing before. Zushi sighs while he balances groceries on his hips. “Oh, is he doing his infamous ‘run away and be emotionally constipated until it blows up’ thing?” He asks exasperated, unhooking the keys from his lanyard. 

Killua snarls, he doesn’t like Zushi’s tone. “Hey Zushi, wanna do me a favor?” 

“Yeah, sure.” Zushi says as he gets his keys out. Killua’s eyes zero in on the shiny metal thing. 

“Give me your keys and leave us alone. I’ll even put your groceries away.” 

Zushi gives him a disgusted face. “Jesus Christ, are you Kurapika? Gon’s my friend too, ya know. I met him before you too. People just act like I don’t even care.” 

Killua looks at Zushi. He has never seen the short boy upset. Killua almost snorts as he looks down at his bushy eyebrows, it's not intimidating at all, but Killua glares back anyway. “You just made fun of him.” Killua says slowly and condescendingly as if talking to a child, and he decides he doesn’t blame Kurapika for hating Zushi. 

“Yeah, well, someone has to.” Zushi says very seriously, clearly upset. His thick brown eyebrows cast down as he looks up at Killua. “You guys all baby him; how is that going anyway?” He is referring to the locked door in front of them. Gon presumily inside alone. 

Killua ignores that question and that implication, not really understanding and not caring enough to listen to him fully. He frowns at Zushi, knowing he looks intimidating when he makes this face. Eyebrows impossibly low, eyes dark blue, slanted dangerously. Almost malicious and predatory. A learned, practiced and perfected, defensive face. 

“Give me your keys.” Killua demands. 

Zushi tosses Killua his keys. Killua snatches them in the air quickly. “Pick the lock, unlock it, whatever. I am gonna go over to Wing’s. Bye.” He says, and walks away shaking his head. “Tell Gon I say hi, or don't.” 

“Tell him yourself. You own a phone.” Killua snaps at him, turning away. Not bothering to watch him walk away, Killua could care less as he immediately starts opening the door. 

It's dark in the apartment as the door’s hinges creak. Killua looks around for any sign of life. Textbooks lay open and untouched on the coffee table. A mug of tea, half empty and cold. Neglected. He moves away from the common area.

He starts walking down the dark hallway. There’s no lights on. Gon’s bedroom door is shut. It’s still dark. No light under the crack of the door frame. Floorboards creak, and suddenly Killua feels like he is back at his house. 

Back in his childhood house. The one guarded by a big gothic metal fence. The one that kids dared each other to doorbell ditch. The one that Killua and Alluka escaped. 

Killua feels like he’s back there. Back to sneaking into Alluka’s room. Picking the lock as quietly as he can. Gaudy candelabras on the wall. Faint light, his eyes squinting in the dark, being sure to not disturb his mom, or even worse. His dad. 

He shivers, remembering when his dad was so mad, he yanked Killua’s arm while he was picking Alluka’s lock with so much strength he had completely dislocated it. Pulled it right out of his socket.

He shivers as he remembers Illumi, his oldest brother, setting it in place. His clammy hands and long fingernails on his bare arm. Goosebumps forming as he _delicately_ placed it back together.

He shivers, remembering Illumi telling him to listen to mom and dad. Lying, saying that Killua doesn’t understand them, doesn’t understand anything, that they love him. Lying, saying he is ungrateful. Lying, saying that they love him. 

He shivers, remembering that love. That twisted, fucked up love. That backhanded slap, skin breaking, bloody, starving love. 

Killua isn’t scared of them anymore. He hasn’t seen them since he was 15. Their presence in his life merely exists as cruel whispers that betray his ears when he overthinks. Or existing as distorted shadows in bad dreams reminding him of his ugly roots. 

Killua thinks about how trees can be so beautiful, but when they’re dug up, they’re twisted and soiled, horrid looking things, dirty all the same. 

Killua stands there staring, Gon’s dorm room decals stare back. A cut out paper orca whale. Messy colored pencil outside the lines. His name in cursive font. Felt tip metallic pen. 

Killua wants to trace it with his fingers, say the name on his tongue over and over again, and hear his name back. Over and over again. He has never wanted something so bad. Not even when he wanted to cry as Illumi set back his arm. He, like then, puts on a brave front.

He knocks. 

Nothing. 

He knocks again. “Gon?” He asks, his voice quiet. 

Nothing. 

Killua opens the door slowly. He peaks in. 

Gon’s back is to him. 

“Can I come in?” Killua asks. 

Gon nods his head but doesn’t move. 

Killua walks in, almost tiptoeing. His footsteps are nearly silent, a skill he had learned quickly growing up. 

He’s been in Gon’s room a handful of times. But this time, the tension is palpable. The aura is stressed and sad.

It’s dark in here. 

Killua walks closer to the twin XL bed. “Hey, do you mind if I lay down with you?” Killua asks tentatively. 

Gon nods his head. He remains silent. 

Killua sits awkwardly on the bed. The blankets lay stiff and heavy, Gon gets cold easily. 

He moves, laying his whole body down on his back beside Gon. He barely fits. The cotton duvet rough against his exposed skin. 

Gon is on his side, he is quiet. His breathing is the loudest thing in the room, labored and held back. 

Killua looks at his, his, his what? His friend? Friend seems too small of a word for Gon, but he doesn’t know what else to call him. 

“Hey,” Killua whispers. His voice becoming tender and comforting, like how he used to with Alluka. “I’m sorry that I left, and made you talk.” 

Gon shakes his head. 

It's quiet. 

He breathes. 

He turns and looks at Killua, his body now facing him. 

Eyes red, cheeks flushed, this is the saddest Killua has ever seen Gon, and it makes him want to cry. 

“It’s not your fault. Don’t apologize.” Gon says firmly, strong resolve on his face. Then his brave face dissolves back to resting. “You can leave, it’s okay, you don't have to be here.” Gon says. Monotone. He doesn’t mean that. Killua knows a lie when he hears one. Especially when it’s Gon.

“I want to be here.” Killua says. _Because… we’re friends._ “I— I care about you.” Killua suffices. Reassuring. Delicate. 

He thinks of a million things to say, but he says none. Breathing with Gon as he musters courage to be kind, to be open in loving. To be vulnerable. 

Killua thanks his therapist in his head for making this easier as he starts to talk. “So,” he forces out, getting himself to continue honestly. “because I care about you, a lot, you should know that I want to be here, and listen.” 

Gon looks at him. It's quiet again. He nods, and he begins to cry silent tears.

“Okay.” He says, sounding small. 

Gon’s fingers touch Killua’s shyly, and Killua knows what he wants and gives it to him, intertwining their hands together. Killua shuffles, bringing his free hand to wipe Gon’s face, his sleeve catching his tears. 

Gon smiles weakly. Killus drags his hand away, and lets it stroke Gon’s arm. He hasn’t seen Gon in just a t-shirt before, his cotton shirt seems soft and worn. Killua drags his fingers down and up Gon’s arm soothingly, his thumb touching raised skin on the inside of his forearm. _Scar tissue,_ Killua notes in his head, bringing his palm to wrap around his forearm where the scar is, only to find it never ends. Killua traces down and down, until the scar’s raised skin stops right above Gon’s wrist. 

Gon stills. 

“Gon..” Killua whispers. “What happened?” He wonders aloud before he can stop himself. Gon shakes a little, his head bows down, Killua watches him try to curl in on himself, he quickly back pedals. “It’s okay, we can move on. Let's talk about something.” _something else._

“Can you talk?” Gon whispers. He just needs to be distracted. 

Killua smiles. “Yeah, about what?” 

“Anything.” 

Killua and Gon look into each others eyes, pupils dilated from the dark, from their intense feelings. Killua’s still smiling, the corners of his mouth upturned, soft and loving. “That's awfully broad. Ask me a question.” 

“Okay.” Gon says. Thinking. Absently squeezing Killua’s hand. They’re turned to face each other now, Gon uncurled, Killua on his side. Killua watches as Gon’s brows furrow, his eyes wet. 

“I know a lot about you.” Gon admits. “I can’t think of anything I want to ask that I don’t already know” 

“Wanna know about more stuff I like?” Killua asks. Thinking back to their conversation on the way to Costco. It feels like a very long time ago, like they met years and years ago. But in reality, it was only a month. Easily the best month Killua has ever had. 

Gon nods. “Favorite animal?” 

Killua smiles at him. “Other than cats, I like aardvarks. Ya know, like anteaters. They’re weird looking. I like them. And electric eels. Those are sick.” 

Gon scoots closer, and Killua lets him. “Killua,” Gon says, not looking at him, staring at Killua’s chest. Killua knows what he is about to ask. 

“Yes.” He says, answering to his name and Gon’s unspoken question. 

Gon leans in, letting go of their hands, his arms clutching Killua’s shirt, wrapped around his back. Killua shuffles, pressing Gon to the wall, so he doesn’t fall off the bed, as he wraps his own arms around him. Holding him close. 

He used to do this with Alluka, but that was different. That was because they were young, and they were scared. 

Killua isn’t scared now. He holds Gon in his arms and continues talking. “I like…” He thinks. “Chocolate chip frappuccinos. And Costco muffins. Oh! And good clean fun, and long drives, and you know what I like a lot? Arson,” Gon smiles into Killua’s chest, letting out a small laugh at that. 

“Arson, and long walks on the beach.” Gon mumbles into Killua’s chest.

Killua smiles, rubbing circles on Gon’s back. He continues talking. “I like horror movies, and I like very specifically researched haunted corn mazes two hours from here, and I like Death Cab, and I like the Wonder Years, and Have Heart. And I like my crust pants, and I like your platform boots. I like your short shorts.” Gon is laughing now, and it makes Killua smile wide, almost laughing back as he continues. “The shorts you refuse to believe are short shorts. They are, Gon, hate to break it to you, they are.” He says smiling, his chin hooked over Gon’s head, spiky black hair tickling his neck, hands firm and soothing on Gon’s back. “I like your weird-ass obsession with breaking laws and committing felonies. I like that you don’t have an inside voice. I like that you make me drive you everywhere because I like driving with you sitting shotgun. I like it when you tag along on errands, because I like being with you.” Killua finishes. He shuts his eyes and breathes in Gon’s quiet laughter. 

The giggles die down, and Killua, feeling awfully brave, nuzzles his face on Gon’s head. Gon’s breath hitches, then, he cuddles further into Killua. Squeezing him tight. 

“Killua,” Gon says. Killua hums, waiting for him to continue. 

“Killua, I—I don’t know, I can’t imagine not having you in my life anymore.” He whispers like a secret. Like it's something he keeps even from himself. 

Killua nods. “Me too. I’m the same.” 

“Well yeah, your life is _your_ Life.” 

“No, stupid, I can’t imagine mine without you either.” 

“I know. I was just being difficult.” 

“I know, I still wanted to say it.” 

“You just gonna say everything I want to hear?” 

“Yes.” 

Gon hums. “Sounds good to me.” He shimmies into Killua more, before letting out a content sigh. 

Killua holds on to that sigh, keeping the sigh safe in his chest. 

Gon’s eyes close, and Killua follows in suit, feeling so warm. Like he's wrapped in a blanket, like he had gotten out of a hot bath, his cheeks flushed, his body warm and tingly. 

* * *

“Where the fuck are you?” Alluka’s voice yells into Killua's ear. He is on the toilet listening to one of the voicemails she left. Her voice does a 180 and goes high pitched and sweet. “Please text me back, ‘kay thanks. Bye.” 

Killua sighs, rubbing his temple as he clicks the next voice mail. 

“Okay, sorry I yelled. I was worried. I checked your location. You sly dog, you’re at Gon’s. You—” Killua clicks ‘delete message’ the minute Alluka’s voice went into teasing mode. He groans into his hands. 

He calls Alluka back, tapping his bare foot on the cold laminate floors. 

“Hello?” Alluka’s voice says. 

“Hey yeah, It’s me. I am at Gon’s.” Killua mumbles. 

Alluka laughs. “Are you in the bathroom?” she asks. It's echoing a bit. 

“Yes.” Killua shimmies on the covered toilet seat, uncomfortable.

“Oh okay, I was worried, you could have at least texted,” Alluka says. “But, then again, I’m happy.” 

Killua crosses and uncrosses his legs. “What, why?” 

Killua can hear Alluka’s eyes rolling through the phone pressing against his cheek, grease spot forming. “BRO, come on. You barely left the house last semester. This is a major improvement. You staying out, at Gon’s? Come on—I’m so happy!” 

“You say that like It was a bad thing.” 

“It was. I was seriously concerned my brother was a big lame-o who had no friends. All you did was text me and write all holed up in your room like a basement virgin.” Alluka says, and Killua can imagine her inspecting her gel nails. 

Killua groans. “You and Zushi have been hanging out way too much. This is slander.” 

“Slander? You mean liable, also _you_ and Gon, have been hanging out way too much. Me and Zushi literally only hang out when it's the four of us. You and Gon hang out practically every day, and now you’re in his bathroom while he makes you eggs in the morning.” 

“How did you know he was making breakfast?” 

Alluka laughs loud in his ear. “Oh my god Killua, I was making a joke. IS HE ACTUALLY MAKING YOU EGGS?” 

“No, he said pancakes.” Killua gets up off the seat and moves to the counter top. Peaking at himself in the mirror. He looks, well, greasy. He and Gon fell asleep together last night. So, neither of them got to shower last night. He had just woken up twenty minutes ago, bones achey, arms full, and covered in sweat from excess body heat. Killua wishes he was back in bed. 

“Oh, same difference. Anyways, what happened?” Alluka asks.

“Last night?” Killua asks as he plays with his hair, its limp, all the volume gone. 

“Yes. Bro come on, don’t play dumb with me. There is no use in hiding anything from me. I’ll know.” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

“Mhm, what happened?” 

Killua sighs, going back to sit down on the covered ceramic toilet bowl. “Don’t laugh at me.” He puts his head in his hands. 

“I won’t,” Alluka says. 

“Promise.” Killua crosses his legs. 

“I promise not to laugh.” 

Killua pauses, sighs really long and dramatically and then feels his face flush as he begins to whisper. “We literally just cuddled and talked, then fell asleep.” He whispers into the phone. 

Alluka goes quiet. Killua pauses waiting. 

“Oh my god.” Alluka mutters. 

“Yeah I know.” Killua presses his free hand to his head.

“You guys are perfect for eachother. You know that? SOULMATES, I swear.” 

“Alluka, don’t.” Killua warns. 

“Why not?” 

“I am too attached. This is bad.” Killua runs the hand down his face. He is too attached, he can’t really imagine life without Gon. And he doesn’t really want to. He has been having so much fun with him. Being around Gon makes Killua happy, so what happens if he’s gone? What then? Killua can’t afford being this attached to someone, anyone, let alone Gon. 

Alluka sighs, drawing Killua out of his headspace. “You’re in his bathroom while he makes you pancakes, you just spent the night falling asleep in his arms. Are you happy? Be honest.” 

Killua breathes. He is. “Yes.” He says loud, it echoes against the cheap bathroom tile. 

“You deserve to be happy.” Alluka affirms just as loud. 

Killua goes silent. 

“Say it, I want to hear you say it.” 

“Alluka,” Killua breaths out shaky. “Do I really deserve something this good? It’s too good Alluka, too good for me. Everything hurts, It's too good.” Killua feels himself tremble, his eyes burning. Waking up in Gon’s arms earlier, felt too indulgent. Being in bed with him, Gon’s hands in his hair, sweet, tender, delicate, innocent. Felt too good. Too good for someone like Killua. He never imagined ever waking up in anyone's arms, let alone holding someone in his arms, someone so good to him. Someone so perfect for him. It feels like the minute Killua has Gon, he is going to be ripped out from his hands. Like giving a thirsty kid a sip of water then pulling it away—cruel. Life can be harsh to Killua, so why is he suddenly allowed this? 

“Are you crying right now?” Alluka’s static rings in his ears. He cries softly, being sure to be quiet. 

“Yeah.” He chokes out, biting his cheek. 

“Aren’t you a punk ass bitch?” 

“Punk ass bitches need to cry too.” Killua says, as he wipes his tears with his sleeve, as he did to Gon yesterday.

“Whatever. Say you deserve to be happy.” Alluka says. 

Killua laughs lightly, bittersweetly. “I deserve to be happy.” He says, then he grabs toilet paper and blows his nose. 

“Good. You do. You can cry and blow your nose, whatever, I just want you to have good things. I want you to be surrounded by everything you like, I want you to ache because things are so sweet. I want you to be happy.” Killua starts crying again, louder, so he bites his lip harder. Alluka continues as Killua tries to quiet his sobbing. “And you know what you told me a long time ago?” 

“Yeah.” Killua breathes wobbly. 

Alluka smiles, Killua is positive she's smiling at him. He can picture it. He knows what she is about to say. “You’d do whatever I wanted? When we’re safe we’ll do whatever I wanted? Well this is what I want.” 

“But…” Killua is scared. What if he's being too reliant? What if Gon doesn’t even like him as much as Killua feels he does?

“But what? Now you’re just making stuff up.” Alluka says firmly. Killua nods his head despite understanding Alluka can’t see him. She’s right. He is overthinking, making things up. Making up excuses so things are more complicated, so things are less easy and so he doesn’t feel as vulnerable as he does. He feels exposed, like pale skin that's finally seeing the sun. He feels exposed, like Gon’s gonna burn him. 

Being with Gon is like sitting out in the sun, it is like getting burnt, and peeling off the old skin, fresh baby flesh beneath the layers. It's like laying out on the grass on a cold day when the sun is warming you up from the inside. Like the sun’s rays are wrapping you in a hug, your cheeks getting pink, sun kisses forming, UV radiation be damned. 

Alluka breathes loudly again, “Go eat pancakes. I’ll see you soon, okay?” She says. 

“Yeah, okay.” Killua feels calmer now. His lip throbs a bit, his feet feeling warmer as the laminate beneath him warmed up from his own body heat. 

“Bye.” Alluka says. 

“Bye.” Killua replies, as Alluka hangs up. Killua takes the phone off his cheek—oily residue, as he expected. Killua makes a face before wiping it on his pants and sticking his phone in his pocket. He gets up, walking to the sink, turning the brass tap on cold and splashing his face with water, feeling the tips of his bangs get soaked. Killua looks up at his reflection. 

Cheeks flushed, eyelashes sticky and wet, his bangs dripping water into the porcelain sink. He brushes them aside. 

Killua doesn’t really know what is happening between Gon and him, but he knows it's mutual, he knows he likes it _a lot_ , and he knows he doesn't want it to end. 

If he gets burnt, so what? Killua’s been beat, he’s been tied up, yelled at, briefly homeless too. Those things leave scars, Killua has a big one on his knuckles, he’s got some on his arms, and on his back. Cigarette burns, rope lines, keloids, stretch marks from weight gain after he left. 

Killua imagines Gon’s large scar, the one he felt gingerly with cautious hands but didn’t get to look at. Scars are just like new, stronger skin right? Sunburns are like that, but they only leave a tan, or blush red. It’s temporary pain. Killua remembers being sunburnt, the skin is warm and sensitive for days, but it heals. It heals completely. Killua is looking at his reflection in the mirror, lips bitten, cheeks flushed, hair wet, and Killua thinks to himself that maybe we all need to burn. _Maybe we all need sunburns in order to peel old skin?_ He wonders. _Like snakeskin right? Like bark on a tree?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I will see you all soon!!  
> note the trees are here again hehe  
> You can follow me @disastergaykillua on tumblr!  
> xoxo


	10. hikes and healthy conversations

Leorio grabs Gon by the arm. “GON, COME ON! THERE'S A CLIFF!” he yells as he pulls him back to the trail. 

Gon looks up at him, and sticks his tongue out. “That was a cool rock. I needed it.” 

Kurapika shakes his head, smiling. “Leave the rocks on the trail Gon; didn’t they teach you that in grade school?” He sips water from his hiking pack, he plastic straw bobbling when he lets go of it. 

Leorio snorts as Gon rolls his eyes. “I hated grade school so much, and I kept getting in trouble, so Mito took me out when I was like seven.” he says, idly brushing his hands on the ferns as they walk. 

Leorio looks at Gon. “You were homeschooled? That makes so much sense…” he trails off humorously, causing Kurapika to laugh. 

Gon throws his hands up in the air, exasperated. “NOT YOU TOO! Ugh, that's what Killua said.” 

“Was that rock for him?” Kurapika asks, smirking. Leorio nudges Gon goodnaturedly. 

“Yes.” Gon nods. Leorio laughs at that, smacking Gon on the arm. Gon gives him a confused look. 

Kurapika hums. “That is very romantic of you.” 

“Thanks.” Gon turns and gives him a smile, making Leorio laugh even harder, practically choking, and Kurapika brings a hand to Leorio’s back in an attempt to steady him.

“That was sarcasm.” Kurapika says. 

Gon gasps, offended. “Okay, fucking rude, Kurapika! He would have liked it.” Gon says, sulking. He crosses his arms, beginning to walk ahead. They are close to the top. 

“I saw him on campus the other day.” Kurapika calls out as they walk behind him leisurely. It’s mile eight, and Leorio is getting tired—Kurapika can tell. Leorio huffs, annoyed, as Gon creates distance between the three of them.

“Oh yeah?” Gon says, looking back to them as he kicks up dirt on the muddy trail with his hiking shoes. He feels a bug crawl on his bare leg and he brushes it off. His infamous shorts and a Patagonia sweatshirt blend easily into the earthy scenery.

Kurapika smiles as he and Leorio wrap their arms around each other, walking up to Gon as he stands waiting, breathing heavy. Their cheeks are flushed. They are close to the top.

Leorio pats Gon on the shoulder when they reach him. “I like him!” He says. “He’s spunky and also takes you to Costco.”

Kurapika nods, agreeing with Leorio sagely, his lungs expanding, taking in slightly thinner air. “I also like him. You should keep him.” 

Gon gives a laugh, it's breathy as they continue to hike up, slower now. “Oh god, what did you guys even talk about when you ran into him?” 

Kurapika hums. “Mutual dislike for a certain someone.” 

Leorio groans. He knows exactly who he means; his knees and thighs burn as they hike uphill further. “I swear to god, Kurapika!” 

Gon frowns, looking at his friend and stopping in his tracks, causing Leorio to stop with him. “I don’t understand why you guys hate Zushi,” Gon continues before Kurapika, who opens his mouth, has time to defend himself. “Okay, yes he teases me, but all friends do that. Yes, he got me drunk on accident and yes it made me make some unwise decisions, and yes he apologized!” Gon puts his hands in his pocket, messing with the loose stitching there. “He is also the only person who stood up for me on the tennis team. He even washes my dishes sometimes. And he doesn’t get mad at me for peeing with the door open.” He turns away from the pine tree next to him and looks directly at Kurapika. “Cut him some slack.” He finishes. 

Kurapika looks as though he is considering what Gon said. Then wraps his arm around Gon, looks him dead in the eyes, and says “no.” 

Leorio begins laughing at that, grabbing onto his stomach as his breathing causes his laughter to hurt. Gon rolls his eyes at Kurapika before leaning into his touch, 

Kurapika putting his head on Gon's shoulder while they wait for Leorio to breathe better. “I like your boyfriend Killua, isn’t that enough?” He asks teasingly. 

“He isn’t my boyfriend.” Gon mumbles. Leorio finished laughing now, and they begin hiking up the home stretch. 

Leorio almost slips on a rock, Kurapika steadies him, letting go of Gon. “Why not? You both clearly like each other.” Leorio asks as Kurapika brings his boyfriend back up. 

Gon reaches out to them to pull them along. They take his arm and move forward with him. “I told him I liked him, a lot.” He shrugs. 

“What did he say back?” Kurapika asks, letting Leorio take a sip of his water. 

Gon slows his pace up the rocky uphill to the peak. They are almost at the top. He turns and looks down at his friends, their faces are very close to his and he balances himself as he backs up a bit. He groans. “That he likes me too!” 

Kurapika thinks to himself, while Leorio pushes Kurapika to move. “Why do you say that in a bad way?” Kurapika asks as he takes Leorio’s sweaty hand and they continue to march up the steep muddy hill.

“That was like, three weeks ago! I don’t think he meant it in the same way.” Gon says as he grabs onto a boulder. 

Leorio breathes heavily, they all are now, their words slower, more thought out. “Maybe,” he breathes, “he thought the same thing as you.” He says. 

Kurapika holds himself back from laughing in Leorio’s face. “Why the actual fuck would he think Gon telling him ‘I really like you’ would mean as friends?” He asks, his smirk wide. Their hands sweaty and slippery. 

Leorio gives Kurapika a look as his face flushes while they carefully crouch up the rocks. “To be fair, Gon says stuff like that to everyone.” He says as Kurapika steadies both of them.

“That's not true!” Gon calls out. He takes a deep, labored breath after that outburst. 

Kurapika shakes his head at Gon. Leorio lifts his eyebrows up. “You were just very nice to Zushi,” he breathes hard. “Maybe he thought you were being nice. He’s a Cancer, remember Kurapika.” 

Kurapika makes a face of understanding. “Oh fuck, I should have taken that into consideration, that explains a lot. He probably did take it as friends.” He thinks to himself, talking out loud, slower. They are close to the top, so close they can see it, they can taste it. They are a couple of feet away from their hiking destination, continuing up the mountain in thoughtful and comfortable silence. 

Gon picks himself up from his weird hiking position, his knees aching, his body burning hot against the cold wind. One of Gon’s favorite feelings in the world. His body warm and tingly from exertion, as he's outside in the chilly wind. The wind can’t hurt, or freeze, it feels good against pink, sweaty skin. Blood pumps fast and hard in his veins, warm under his sweathirt, cozy like a hug. 

Gon smiles happily, giving a little shout of excitement. Kurapika and Leorio smile together as Gon goes to sit on a rock, taking out a vegan protein bar he got from the student store. 

He turns to Kurapika and Leorio who are walking up to sit next to him, putting his backpack on the ground and scooting over giving them room. “I guess I just have to confess better.” He thinks to himself, talking aloud with his mouth full. 

Kurapika grins. 

Leorio groans. “Please don’t talk while you're chewing.” he says. 

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Gon retorts, his mouth full. 

“Okay, when do you think you’ll do your confession 2.0?” Kurapika asks, sitting down next to him. Leorio pants a little, standing up, then moving to sit down. 

Leorio thinks their blood is going to pool while they sit down, but he's tired, and his aching muscles protest standing up more. So he decides it's okay to rest, letting himself down on Gon’s other side. 

Gon thinks it over. “Probably after my doctor appointment tomorrow.” 

“Ah, your blood check?” Kurapika asks, speaking into the wind. He understands this all too well. 

Gon nods. He hates getting his blood checked, he has to do it every six months. To make sure his lithium, amongst other things, is at a healthy level. Gon hates having his arm prodded with a needle, he hates the feeling of his blood leaving him, he hates having the doctor explain to him what his blood looks like, what his pH levels are, that he has stunningly low LDL cholesterol for a boy his age. That he needs more iron, that he needs more protein, or the worst outcome, that he needs to up his medication. He hates feeling like a patient, being examined for weak spots. He almost feels like a coral reef or a plant he inspects in a biolab. Like he's getting his carbon levels in the ocean checked. He hates the hospital more than anything. Almost more than driving. Almost more than that truck. 

“Gon.” Leorio says, his hand on Gon’s shoulder, taking Gon out of his spiraling thoughts. 

He looks away from his lap and looks to where Leorio is staring. He gazes out at the large expanse of pine trees, evergreens dotted with some autumn colored sycamores, some oak trees smug and big, surrounded by the grandiose hills. The hills rise and fall, like Leorio's chest. “Does he know?” Leorio asks Gon. He asks softly, and carefully. 

Gon stares out with him. Watching as Kurapika stills beside him, sitting on the boulder with Gon. The boulder is cold under his shorts, slate gray, with moss coated healthily on the sides. The air stings Gon’s eyes with its fast paced wind. 

“Does who know what?” He says. Feeling weak.

“Gon.” Leorio warns. 

Kurapika steps in, not knowing how to be subtle. “Does Killua know you have adhd?” He asks forthright, taking the easier route. He knows the answer to this question already. 

“Yes.” Gon says. Warming up.

Kurapika gives him a leveled look, bringing his hand to Gon’s and holding it. Leorio watches and follows, moving his hand off his shoulder and taking Gon’s other hand. They squeeze as Gon looks down at the dirt. His hiking boots coated in a cakey layer of mud. Wet soil and over-watered weeds, invasive species. The dirt is drenched from the downpour of rain last night. No one else was hiking today, but they hike before every appointment. Mito used to do it with him, his family here does it with him now. They couldn't skip a hike no matter how wet it was. Leorio and Kurapika knew that. 

It's quiet as Gon looks at the dirt, as he swallows, knowing what Kurapika is going to ask next. 

Kurapika lets go, and places his hand on Gon’s back. Firm, loving, like family. Loving like roots supporting a tree. Like the tree roots absorbing water, and preventing a flood. 

Kurapika rubs Gon’s back. “Does he know you have manic depression?” He asks softly. The words punch Gon in the gut despite being as soft and delicate as petals. 

He hates talking about his bipolar disorder. 

Gon is quiet. They all know the answer. “No.” He whispers anyway. To confirm. His shoulders tense, and Leorio immediately goes to rub out the knots. 

“Gon,” Leorio says, beginning to speak, before Gon cuts him off and Leorio lets him, as he listens. 

“I’m scared.” Gon says, his shoulders trembling as he continues, staring down at the wet dirt. “I don’t want him to think that-that there's something wrong with me. Or,” his eyes sting, “that I’m weak.” 

“He won’t.” Leorio and Kurapika speak at the same time. This causes Gon to smile a bit, and they relish in that small, timid smile. 

Kurapika lets go of Gon’s back and lets Leorio crush Gon in a hug. He will get his turn later. Kurapika looks at Gon, sweet, familial, loving. He reaches over and ruffles his hair. “And if he does, which he won’t, I’ll beat his ass.” He says. 

Gon laughs wetly. “Thanks.” 

“And Gon,” Kurapika says staring out into the trees, the overwhelming green, the gray, cloudy sky. “You are not weak.” 

Gon goes still in Leorio’s arms.

“You are so strong, Gon.” Kurapika says honestly. 

Leorio nods, almost crying. “Gon, don’t ever think you’re weak. You're one of the strongest people I know.” He says, squeezing his younger friend, not willing to let go.

“I don’t feel that way.” he mumbles into Leorio’s shirt as he lets out a loud sob, it bursts out of him as he unleashes thick, heavy tears. Gon never cries loudly, so Kurapika looks at his friend, eyes big, and his own chest hurts. His eyes burn and he wills them not to leak. 

“What do you feel like?” Leorio asks soothingly. Kurapika watches, handing Leorio the reigns. Leorio always knows what to say to comfort people. Kurapika knows this first hand. He knows how comforting it is to be held to Leorio’s board chest, when you hear the beating of Leorio’s too-big heart. Kurapika watches them embrace, and deciding he wants to be part of it, he joins, wrapping his arms around his favorite people in the whole world. 

Gon no longer feels the biting breeze of the wind while he is wrapped up in his friends’ arms. The whole forest lies in front of them. They just hiked eight miles to the peak. They sit at the top. Gon can only see cotton sweaters and polyester blend. Flannel and plaid. He can only hear their heartbeats and their breaths and the occasional cry from him or Leorio. “Right now?” He asks after a long second.

“Yeah.” Leorio breathes out. 

Gon, feeling brave, honest to a fault, smiles. Leorio can feel it. “When I looked out into the forest, I felt small. Now, I feel like I’m getting crushed.” 

Kurapika and Leorio laugh at that, not letting go, in fact, they squeeze harder, crushing Gon relentlessly as he laughs with them. Kurapika grins, his hair pressed on Gon’s back. “Physically, I will not deny it. It's true, you are a bit small. But your presence, well, it's larger than life.” He tells him. 

“Thank you.” Gon whispers as though it could be carried away from them in the blocked wind. He whispers like it's something precious. Like it's just for them to hear. 

“You’re welcome.” Kurapika says. And they all turn their faces to look out into wilderness, beneath the mountain they had just hiked. The sky is cloudy, and gray, making all of the greenery bright, contrasting against the pale sky. 

Gon takes a large sniff of the air, wondering if it’ll rain again as it did last night. He wonders if the soil and the plants can handle more rain. He wonders if they will be overwatered, if there will be a flash flood. If there will be a mudslide. He inhales deeply, he can’t tell if it’ll rain, all he can smell is the cheap detergent Kurapika and Leorio use. 

“You think it’ll rain?” Gon asks. 

Leorio and Kurapika think. Leorio speaks first. “Maybe. Who knows?” 

Kurapika snorts at that. “Meteorologists know.” 

Leorio frowns comically. “Kurapika, shut up, we were having a moment.” 

Kurapika and Gon laugh at that, loudly, and Leorio starts laughing too, and suddenly they feel much lighter. They feel on top of the world as they hold onto each other, their bones tired, their faces sweaty and red, their ribs aching from laughter and their chests aching from high altitude. 

Gon remembers when he and Kite had hiked somewhere similar to this mountain. He remembers Kite picking off leaves to look at later. He remembers Kite looking up at the sky, looking back to Gon, and saying, “it's going to rain.” 

Back then, Gon had taken that as a bad thing, knowing the native wildlife wasn’t used to water, but thinking back on it, thinking back on the small smile Kite had on as he pointed at a cloud, stating the forecast, he thinks that maybe Kite meant it in a good way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We did it guys, homestretch now! This is a short but sweet chapter, bringing up some prominent themes, and paralleling the first chapter, I love seeing how much Gon's grown in the past couple of months. And we stan Leorio and Kurapika!!   
> you know who else we stan? ROSIE! Thanks so much for editing babe!!   
> and Thanks to all of you guys who comment/kudos and read I love y'all <3   
> anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I will see you soon! You can follow me @disastergaykillua on tumblr I'm always down to chat.   
> xoxo


	11. Tough talks at Three am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone sorry for the delay in updating, its been busy times for me and my editor. Here is chapter 11!! second to last!  
> There is some triggering content regarding suicide, self harm, and death in this chapter. It's not easy to skip because it is scattered in this whole chapter, be cautious. If it is really something you want to avoid stop reading at "Gon pulls out of Killua’s arms" and continue at "Gon goes to pull his sleeve down"   
> Stay safe, and as always thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!

All Killua’s been thinking about for a month and a half has been Gon. Gon’s crooked smile, and Gon’s bright eyes, and Gon’s hands in his, and more recently: Gon’s arm. 

Killua, as he sleeps, is dreaming about Gon. About his arm. But in the dream his parents are there. Shadowy distorted figures, twisted and wicked, his arm in their hands. Nails long and sharp and bloody. 

Killua jolts awake in a cold sweat, grabs his phone and calls Gon, not even thinking about it as he clicks on his contact. 

It rings a few times and suddenly is picked up, a gravelly voice calling out a hello. 

“Gon, are you awake?” 

“Killua, I just answered the phone? So yes.” He says, his voice sounding tired. “Are you okay?” He asks. 

Killua breathes. “I-I’m sorry did I wake you up?” 

“No.” 

Killua pauses waiting. 

“I’m actually not even at my apartment right now, do you need me to come over to you? I can.” he's dead serious. 

Killua stares out into the darkness of his room. He isn’t sure what he wants, but he thinks it’ll be better if Gon’s with him. And maybe he woke up for a reason. Maybe Gon needs him right now. 

“Hey, you know what,” Killua says climbing out of his bed, his duvet thrown off his sweaty body. “Where are you? I want to be with you right now. I’ll drive over.” 

He can hear Gon’s voice hitch in his throat at that. “Killua, it’s three am.” 

“What—is it illegal to drive when it’s three am? Also, even if it was illegal, would that stop either of us?” 

Gon laughs at that, it’s shallow and short lived, not his true laugh, hearing that Killua knows he needs to be there. 

“No.” Gon says. It’s quiet. Killua waits as he throws on a jacket over his sweatshirt. He is wearing flannel pajama pants, but who gives a fuck anyway? He throws on his Vans and grabs his car keys and wallet off his dresser, waiting for Gon to continue, but all he hears is breathing. 

“Killua, I’m gonna be honest. I’m not in a good mood right now.” He says finally after what felt like an hour of silence. 

“Perfect, me neither, we can suffer together.” Killua says as he walks out his door. 

“Why are you upset?” Gon asks. 

“I’ll tell you if you tell me why you’re upset. Deal?” 

Gon nods. “I’m nodding.” He says. “You can’t see me but I’m nodding.” 

Killua smiles at that. “I can imagine it.” 

Gon breathes. “Imagine me giving you a big hug right now.” 

Killua walks down the stairs and out the door quickly. He was always fast at getting out of houses. “I won’t need to imagine that, I’ll be there soon. Where are you?” 

“I’m at the quad. The one behind Masadoria. The one they hold graduation in.” 

“You mean the amphitheater? With all the empty bleachers?” Killua hops in his car and turns on the ignition. He puts his phone on speaker and turns the volume on his car radio down, not wanting to hang up, no matter what. 

“Yes, with all the empty bleachers.” 

“And that huge sycamore tree?” 

“The Platanus racemosa. Yes.” 

“Is that the scientific name for it?” 

“Yeah for the ones native in California it is.”

“That’s my favorite kind of tree.” 

Gon laughs at how serious Killua is when he says that. It's just a decoration tree. “That’s the lamest tree to have as your favorite.” 

“Must not be that lame if you know the Latin name for it.” Killua teases easily. 

“I had to do a report on it last year. Native wildlife. It’s purely ornamental, people like the aesthetic of their white bark—did you know that? That’s pretty shallow of you.” 

“I’m sure it has many other uses.” Killua says, and he's smiling, smiling so wide he feels his face might split in two as he drives over. Excited to see him, and enjoying the way Gon talks about his interests. 

“I mean, of course it does.” Gon says. Killua can see him roll his eyes playfully. The image of him doing that vivid in his head as Gon continues. “It provides shade, and nutrients to caterpillar larvae and birds. Tree roots prevent soil erosion and flooding. Though, the sycamores here have really strong and big roots so you need to make sure they aren’t planted near the sidewalk, because then the cement will just become ruined in time.” 

Killua grins hard as he drives. “I love trees. I think,” he pauses, “we are all like trees.” 

“How? We ruin sidewalk?” Gon’s voice asks, interested and hopeful. Killua can hear the hope and want in his voice. The hope and desire for what—he doesn't know. But, he'll do his best to fulfill it. So he continues explaining his theory. 

“We have roots. And they’re ugly and dirty and messy. But they support us in the end. They’re what keep us living.” 

Gon breathes long and deep, his breath comes out sounding like static over the phone. The silence is drawn out before he says “I agree.” Firmly. 

Killua continues as he drives, looking in the rearview mirror as he changes lanes. It's empty on the road. “Also, I think people shed layers like trees. Like bark on trees, you know? I think people are like that too. We all need to grow and change and shed our old skin.” 

Gon goes quiet. 

Killua stills. Maybe he sounds weird right now. “Sorry if that’s like, weird. I’m an English major.” 

“I really really like you.” Gon says suddenly. Killua feels his heart race as he turns into the street—he is only hitting green lights. “The tree thing, Killua, I think about that a lot.” 

Killua’s grinning his cheeks hurt. “I really like you too.” 

Gon’s voice gets louder through the speaker. “Where are you?” 

He is almost there. “I’m off of Howard street. Turning into Douglas.” 

“That’s close.” Gon says. 

“It is. Bisky works at the university.” 

“Wait really?” 

“Yep.” 

“Do you not have to pay tuition?” 

“Kinda. But I also have an academic scholarship.” 

“Ah, you’re smart, that's right.” 

“Or, maybe, I’m just a good test taker and I work well under pressure.” 

“That makes one of us.”

“Are you not good at tests?” 

Gon laughs, it's his normal one. He stops laughing and says with complete confidence: “I got a 990 on the SAT.” 

“Holy shit.” Killua whispers. He would wonder if Gon heard him, but he laughs at Killua’s awed words. Gon always hears him, Killua decides. “How did you even get in?” He asks, in between his own laughter. 

Gon wheezes. “That’s mean, Killua. My English was fine, it's just my math that was severely lacking.” 

“How are you even a STEM major?”

The laughter dies down. “Pure passion and love for wildlife.” Gon says matter of factly. Like he had that answer planned, and he uses it frequently. Maybe lots of people ask him why he's in STEM, and he has to defend himself. 

Killua grins turning into the parking lot. “Not love for academia?” 

Killua can see Gon shaking his head with a crooked smile. He knows Gon hates school—most of the time. “No, I actually hate the education system, you know that. I think it sucks. And tries to kill creativity. I learned more from Kite and the forest and the ocean than I ever did from a lecture or a textbook. They just want to control kids.” 

“Right, forgot you were homeschooled.” He loves teasing Gon about that. This time is no exception, as he gets out of his car so fast he doesn’t bother to lock it. 

He can hear Gon’s smile in his voice. “Please be nice to me. I am very fragile.” Gon says, smile caught in his throat. 

“Please Gon, you’re the strongest person I know.” Killua snorts, as he walks fast down Masodoria’s backside to the shrubs in front of the bleachers. 

He can hear the frown in Gon’s voice this time. “That’s not true.” Gon says. “That’s not true at all. Alluka is right there. You two are the strongest people I know. Kurapika and Leorio too. Without Kurapika I would be dead.” Gon breathes. “And I mean that literally. He found me passed out in a ditch once.” 

It's meant as a joke in passing but Killua’s heart catches in his throat at that as he sees Gon from the top of the amphitheater. He is laying down, his phone to his ear, his back in the grass, looking up at the sky. 

“Gon. I’m hanging up, turn around.”

The voice cuts out. 

Gon sits up and turns around and sees Killua running down the stairs to him. 

Gon looks at him as he comes down the steps and tackles him to the ground, happily, and Gon laughs despite what's going on. It's a funny thing to both of them, they laugh as they roll around in the grass. 

Killua squeezes Gon. He has a thin long-sleeve on. He can feel the wet grass stains on it. “You’re wet.” Killua says right in his ear. Gon shivers. “And cold.” 

“Yeah.” Gon doesn’t deny it. He cuddles into Killua. 

“Do you want my jacket?” Killua asks.

“No. It’s okay.” Gon says. 

“I also have a sweatshirt on. Take my jacket.” 

Gon shakes his head. “Just hold me, I’ll warm up. Or maybe I can do some jumping jacks.” 

Killua laughs at that as he pulls away from Gon. “Take my fucking jacket.” He almost demands.

“Okay.” Gon says weakly. Killua takes his jacket off his back, brings it to Gon, taking Gon’s arm and placing it through the sleeve for him, his fingers guiding and gentle, weightless. Then he does it with the other arm. Gon stares at him in awe. The corduroy warming him up already. 

“There, was that so hard?” Killua says, smiling at him as he tugs the collars on his jacket. 

Gon feels his cheeks warm at this attentive and affectionate action, this explicit showcase of how much Killua cares. “No.” Gon mumbles.

They move and they walk over to the bleachers to sit down on cold cement steps. 

“So why are you upset?” Gon asks, his hands in his pockets. Killua hooks their legs together, and Gon grabs Killua's hand and brings it back to his pocket. It’s soft and warm. And Killua can feel Gon’s callouses, and Gon can feel Killuas scar. 

Killua doesn’t really have a filter late at night, so there's no tiptoeing about why he is. “I had a bad dream,” he tells Gon, looking at him as he continues. “Your arm was ripped off,” Killua says, looking away when Gon’s face twists up in something he can’t read and doesn’t want to. The large Sycamore tree stares back at him. Its dried leaves litterred everywhere. “I woke up suddenly. And I called you, I don’t know why, I just—I guess I wanted to make sure you were okay?” 

“I’m okay. Just tired.” Gon says. He squeezes his hand. 

Killua frowns, feeling ugly words burn up his throat and lace his spit angrily on his tongue. “You’re a liar.” He hisses before he can stop himself. 

_He snapped at Gon. Oh god._ His stomach immediately drops, in regret and in fear. 

Gon stills. “Excuse me?” He says. 

Killua still has a bad taste in his mouth, bitter, hot and angry. “You said you were in a bad mood earlier. You just lied to me.” 

“I—” 

Killua cuts him off. “You can trust me.” He says, and it's a sad thing this time. He can’t recognize his own voice. “I want to help.”

It goes quiet and he can feel guilt in Gon’s hand. 

“What if I start leaning on you too much?” Gon whispers. “I feel like I already am.” Killua can tell he believes that. 

Killua takes his free hand and lifts Gon’s chin to look at him.“So what?” he says into Gon’s eyes, which are glossy. He is a silent crier. Killua knows this. He watches his eyes and his thumb comes up to his cheek. He rubs it lovingly. Soft peach fuzzy hair under his thumb. “I want you to lean on me. I’ll lean back. Then, together, we’ll have enough tension to be upright. Aren’t you a STEM major? Haven't you ever taken physics?” He smiles at Gon tenderly. 

Gon laughs at that, it's airy and better now. “I’m heavy.” He says as he gives Killua a look. 

Killua cups his cheeks, making them puff out then he drops his hand. “You’re like 5’6 and 150 pounds at most.” 

Gon scoots in closer to Killua. “I’m actually 165—I meant like _metaphorically._ Come on, aren’t you an English major?” He says and his teeth show.

“Undeclared English major.” Killua corrects. 

Gon hums. “Well, what do you want to do?” 

“Write horror novels.” Killua admits it, fast and quick, out loud for the first time. It's anticlimactic and not as scary as he thought it would be. To admit what he wants, no longer a scary thing. “Horror novels, thrillers. I want to publish my work.”

Gon studies Killua’s face. His eyes are dark, pupils blown wide, indigo under the night sky, cheeks flushed, nose pink, chest rising up and down, like waves. “Then shouldn’t you be a creative writing major?” 

Killua shrugs and looks up at the sky. He swings his free leg on the concrete step they sit on. “I don’t know. It’s a lot of commitment. What if I’m bad?” He wonders aloud. _What if people don’t like my work? What if people don’t like me?_

Gon gives his hand a squeeze in his pocket, warm and soft, he rubs his thumb on Killua’s knuckles. “You’re good at everything. I doubt you’re a bad writer.” He tells Killua earnestly. 

The silver haired boy turns and looks at him. Killua’s head tilted as he smiles brightly back at him, white hair illuminated by the moon, smile glowing. “Thank you.” He breathes out. His flannel pajamas rub on Gon’s legs. His sweatshirt wrinkled and faded. His hair is a total mess. He had just gotten out of bed, drove over here, tackled Gon to the ground, and then rolled around in wet grass. 

He is so beautiful.

Gon looks at this beautiful person he fell so fast for. Killua came into his life like a lightning strike. Unpredictable, fast, and very miraculous. 

He doesn’t want to lose him. 

He doesn’t want Killua to leave him.

He doesn’t want Killua to find out he's complicated and difficult, and want to leave, want to give up.

“Killua,” He says. 

“Yes?” Killua responds. 

“What if _I’m_ bad.” 

“You’re not.” Killua says firmly. He looks at Gon, who isn’t meeting his eyes. 

“I am.” Gon whispers.

Killua crushes Gon in a hug. “No, shut up. Who told you that?” He asks, breathing it out in a whisper that only Gon can hear. His mouth right by his ear. 

Gon snorts at life’s cruel joke as he tightens his grip in Killua’s hug. “My bloodwork.” 

“What?” Killua asks. 

Gon nuzzles against Killua’s hair. “I had my blood check earlier. I have to get it checked a lot.” He mumbles. 

Killua squishes against Gon. “Ah, Alluka has to do that too.” Gon breathes in Killua’s scent. Happy for a distraction. 

“Yeah, well, she has diabetes.” Gon says, and Killua can’t see his face but he knows he is prematurely rolling his eyes. 

“No, I mean for hormone treatment, but that too I guess.” 

“Oh, duh.” Gon says, happy to talk about something else. “I keep forgetting.” 

Killua smiles against Gon’s cheek. “She loves that you forget. Everyone should forget.” 

“I love Alluka. She’s so cool.” 

“She really likes you too.” 

“Good.” 

Feeling brave, the night giving him strength, Killua takes a leap of faith. “I really like you too. But in a different way. One we can talk about later, okay?” 

“Okay. Me too.” Gon says. Easily. Like he understands Killua, and hopes Killua would understand him. Gon has a way to make it so you don’t have to think too hard around him. 

“Same way?” Killua wonders still unsure. 

“I think so.” Gon says. Simple. Short. 

“Later, let’s talk about that later.” Killua knows this isn’t the time or place to give a confession. He pulls away from Gon, only enough that he can look at him. 

“Okay.” Gon says at arm's length. 

“Bloodwork?” Killua reminds him what they should be talking about. Gon looks away, to the side. He can’t get out of this. 

“Right.” He says. “It wasn’t good. I need to up my medication.” 

Killua hums confused. “Oh? For adhd?” 

“No.” 

“No?” 

“I take three different kinds.” 

“Oh. For what? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Gon fidgets in his seat, and in Killua’s arms. “Ah. Well you see…” he begins. He looks at Killua openly. “Can I show you something?” 

Killua nods, already knowing what's coming. His intuition strong, but his bond with Gon stronger. 

Gon pulls out of Killua’s arms and Killua lets him go. He takes off the right sleeve of Killua's jacket, and he pushes his thin shirt up to his forearm, revealing the large raised and discolored scar on Gon’s arm. The one Killua dreamed about. The one he felt. 

Gon’s laying it all out. 

“I got this like, six years ago.” he begins to explain. 

Killua hesitates. “Gon, six? You were like, 13. How…” 

“Yeah, I was 13, and I don’t really remember if I’m honest. I was told I did it to myself. But I was blacked out practically.” Gon is speaking so openly, and uninhibited about it. Maybe it's easier for him that way, Killua thinks. He is honest to a fault. 

“What do you mean?” 

“It was a while ago, I was having an episode. Kite had just died a few days before this happened. I had undiagnosed adhd, we were walking, I wasn’t paying attention, and he pushed me out of the way of a truck. His arm flew off and he died on impact. I watched as his arm got torn off.” Gon sighs heavily. “I always wanted to be like him.” He smiles in a sad, bitter way. Hoping that last sentence would explain everything. Explain the way he felt about Kite. Explain the grief he felt when his hero had died right in front of him, his arm bloodied and limp on the street. The drunk driver stumbling out, confused. The police yelling at Gon to stay back as he watched. As he watched the ambulance blink and scream out in the perfect blue sky. 

Gon remembers feeling like it was his fault. 

He was pushed aside, and now Kite’s dead. 

Kite’s arm looked like roadkill. 

His arm that was used to help others, used to care tenderly for plants, animals, and most of all, people. Caring for Gon. 

A push in the right direction, a slap on the shoulder in good nature and in learning. A poke in the side for when he wasn’t listening. His hands were careful loving things, and those fingers and that palm, his whole forearm was on the street. Bloody and marred, like a dead rabbit. 

He doesn’t remember what led up to him scraping his arm with a broken beaker shard, but he remembers feeling like, maybe, just maybe, if he could replace Kite, he would. If he could take Kite’s place, he would. 

Thinking back on that, he knows it wasn’t right. 

He knows he was wrong. Kite’s dead. He can’t bring him back. No blood and no grieving will do that. And even if it did, Kite would punch him in the face in the afterlife. Call him an idiot, and then laugh at him. 

Forgiveness was always an important lesson with Kite. 

Forgiveness and acceptance were the last things Kite taught him. 

He turns to Killua, squeezes his hand, then turns away, eyebrows furrowed, determined to move forward. To not dwell, to forgive. “Anyway, I had a manic episode. Did that.” He gestures to his right arm as he continues. “Yadda yadda, got taken to the mental hospital by Mito. Had tests, whatever, talked to some shrinks, you know the drill.” He rolls his eyes. “They diagnosed me with Comorbid adhd and bipolar. Been taking medications ever since.” 

Gon goes to pull his sleeve down, but Killua grabs his arm. He holds it in his hands tenderly. 

“You’d better not kiss it,” Gon warns. But he’s smiling. And Killua can’t help but smile back.

Killua can’t stop himself before the words leave his mouth. “I’m not a weirdo, this isn’t a Pierce the Veil song.” harsh, snappy. Killua.

Gon laughs out loudly, and it takes Killua by surprise, pulling laughter out from him too. Gon smiles at him and sings. “I kiss the scars on her skin,” 

Killua grins and continues the lyrics with him. “I still think you’re beautiful and I don’t ever wanna lose my best friend.” Killua sings back, very off key. 

They giggle together until they’re not laughing anymore, then Gon turns to Killua. “You’re my best friend now, you know that?” He says honestly. His eyes swirl with spices and honied things. Sweet and warm. Killua stares back into them.

“Same.” Killua breathes. “I haven’t had many friends before. And usually I would get socially tired quick, ya know? But spending time with you doesn’t tire me out at all.” 

“Me too.” Gon smiles. 

Killua wants to smile but he just remembers what Gon said earlier. “You just said you were tired earlier.” 

Gon’s smile falls, he turns away from him and stares at the tree intensely. “Yeah, but that’s unrelated to that. I’m just tired of everything.” 

“What do you mean?” Killua asks as he turns and looks at the tree with him. 

It's silent. Comfortable and safe. 

“I just. I don’t know. I need to rest for like, five years.” Gon says. 

Killua hums. 

“I’m just so tired. And,” Gon looks off into his lap, his spine curving cruelly in on itself. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” He says, and it’s a broken and small thing. Killua keeps his voice level. He feels he should be offended, but his gut knows more than him. His gut knows Gon doesn’t mean here with him. He means something else. 

“What do you mean ‘here’? Here sitting in the amphitheatre or here with _me_?” Killua asks, keeping emotion out of his voice. 

“No, I want to be here with you. Neither of those.” Gon shakes his head, not meeting his eyes. His head is down. It almost doesn’t even look like Gon. 

“Then what do you mean?” Killua asks softly. 

Gon shakes his head. He tries to make himself small. “I mean here, in my body.” He says, his voice raspy and speaking quietly. “I’m tired of it.”

Killua feels his stomach drop. His breathing stops momentarily with it. “Why…” he begins to ask and Gon frowns. 

“It doesn’t fucking work right.” He says, biting and bitter. He cries out in frustration and throws his head down into his hands. He breathes harsh and ragged. Killua watches, unsure of what to do. 

Gon breathes, then picks up his head, stares out into the dark quad, and continues on. “Last summer, I tried to stop taking my medication. Just to see if I would be fine without it.” Gon doesn’t look at Killua. “Like to prove something to myself, I don't know. I’ve been taking medication since I was 14; I didn't really even remember what I was like without it. So I didn’t take it. And the first day was fine, like nothing changed. Then it got really bad.” Gon stops, taking shallow breaths. Killua feels so hopeless. 

“And I would just have awful withdrawals, and lay in bed shaking with a massive headache.” Gon sighs looking out at the trees, the wet grass. “But I’m always so _lucky,_ so after some withdrawals for a few days, I got a high right after therapy. The woman told me I put Kite on a pedestal and I needed to not do that, and I don’t know, talking about it made me upset and it triggered a manic episode.” Gon breathes again, not stopping out of fear, afraid he won’t be able to say it out loud ever again, afraid he won’t be this vulnerable again. “And it's like, I would feel like everything was amazing and I would never have to even think about taking medication again. And like, I would feel like I couldn’t die. Like nothing could hurt me. So I would just keep pushing my limit. I would practice tennis for as long as I could until my body physically couldn’t push anymore. Until I collapsed. Then I would just do it again. Anything to get towards my goal, which, I didn’t even really know what my goal that I was working so hard for even was—just that I was gonna make it.” Gon sighs.

Killua remains quiet. Leaves rustle in light wind. Bugs chirp, and Killua feels his body grow colder. 

Gon continues. “Obviously, I didn’t. I passed out going on a run. I don’t remember anything after that, but Mito said Kurapika found me lying in the middle of a trail. I feel really bad about it still. He had to call an ambulance and Mito had to fly over here, and I was in the hospital. I had just turned 19 so they couldn’t force me into a mental health facility, but Mito had practically begged me, and she would have dragged me in there anyways if I had said no.”

“It took me two months to get back to normal. Two months. I didn’t take my medication for six days, and I lost a whole month and a half in a mental health facility, plus another month trying to get my life back together. The worst part was that I almost had to stop playing tennis. I almost lost my sports scholarship because Wing was worried it would happen again.” 

“That makes me really angry.” Killua says. 

“Yeah, I was upset. Zushi told him to fuck off, and Kurapika went in and talked to him too.” Gon smiles, remembering it. Remembering his friends supporting him. “I have some really amazing friends.” 

Killua grabs Gon’s hand, and they hold their hands together, fingers interwoven carefully and sacred. “I wish I could have been there for you.” Killua says. 

“I don't.” 

“What? Why would you say that?” 

Gon looks him in the eyes. “Because I’m not the same person I was back then. I’m different now. And I am happy you met me _now_. I’m glad we met when we did. I am really thankful we met.” 

Smiling, Killua maintains eye contact. “I’m happy we met too.” They melt. 

Wanting to reassure, Gon squeezes his hand. He moves, wrapping his arms around Killua, giving him a tight hug, their collapsed hands trapped inside. It is awkward and uncomfortable. But perfect and warm. 

“You helped me out without even trying. Just being yourself makes me feel good, you’re here for me.” Gon tells him. Honest, earnest, sweet, and loving. 

Killua wonders if Gon will ever stop saying the right words to him. Stop saying the perfect combination of vowels and syllables that conduct faultless, beautiful music with his heart strings. 

“I make you feel good?” Killua asks. He knows the answer, but he wants to hear it out loud. 

“Yes.” Gon says, giving him what he wants. 

Killua laughs into Gon’s embrace. “Good. That would be awkward if not, because you make me feel good.” 

“Good.” 

“Good, good.” 

“Good doesn’t sound like a real word anymore.” Gon says, laughter light in his belly, slowly escaping his mouth through his lungs. 

Killua hums thoughtfully. “Are any words ever truly real, Gon?” He asks, and it's funny and it's perfect, and Gon loves the way he says his name. He loves the way it sounds on Killua's tongue. His name in Killua’s mouth, like it's the sweetest thing he’s ever tasted. 

“Says the undeclared english major.” Gon says back effortlessly. Banter is natural with them. Has been since they met. 

“Creative writing major.” Killua corrects.

Gon smiles into Killua’s chest. “Even better.” 

“That's how I feel with you. Things become _even better,_ like driving. It's good, then it's even better with you.” Such a sweet thing to say. Such a wonderful little anecdote. 

Gon gives Killua a crooked smile, still pressed into his chest. “Even better. Even better is two words, and they feel very real to me.” 

“Even better sounds even better than good. To be fair.”

“That sentence hurts my head, Killua.” Gon says, laughing at the absurdity. Killua smiles, the way Gon says his name becomes held so dearly in his rib cage. Killua thinks he could start writing poetry now. He could wax poetically about his name in Gon’s mouth. He could write sonnets about the warmth Gon omits in his arms. He could create free verse on how he feels with Gon beside him. But it's so much, and it feels big and wonderful. And heavy.

So, Killua sighs contently. “Okay no more talking. Just sit with me?” He asks. 

“Even better.” Gon says cheekily. 

Killua’s cheeks hurt. He will have wrinkles from just these past weeks with Gon. And he thinks that might be a marvelous thing. “Shut it.” He tells Gon. No bite. No heat. 

“Please be nice, I am a delicate flower.” Gon sighs when Killua sighs. They breathe in sync. 

Grinning. “Yeah right, you big baby.” 

Beaming now. All smiles. “No, you’re the baby.” 

“Takes one to know one.” Teasing, coming easily. Out of his mouth without thinking. It flows out into the small space between the two of them into the tiny crack they are leaving between their squished bodies. The crack is filled with their soft laughter, and their easy conversation. Then their comfortable silence. 

Killua speaks. “Can we get donuts after this?” 

“Are you asking me on a date?” Gon asks. 

Killua’s lip twists on their own, smiling as he speaks. “One thing at a time please.” 

“Okay, sorry.” Gon apologizes, though Killua said that for him. 

“But like, can we actually get donuts? They sound so good right now.” 

“We can totally go get you donuts.” 

“I'll buy you a bagel and I’ll get you tea with it.” 

“Even better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPECIAL THANK YOU TO ROSIE <3 THANK YOU FOR EDITING THIS!!  
> also thank YOU ALL for reading, leaving kudos, comments, Thank you so so much!! I appreciate every single one of you.  
> Next chapter is the last one, I hope you're all ready, and I hope this wasn't too emotionally damaging ahahha.  
> You can follow me @disastergaykillua on tumblr!  
> xoxo see y'all next time!


	12. dates, long drives, and coloring inside the lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow.. I just... wow. This has been an incredible ride with you all, thank you so much for coming on this journey with me where we tackled some pretty big things, and got through so much together.  
> Here is the last chapter of this work! I am at a loss for words right now.  
> As always, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this final chapter to end coloring!

“Mito will love you. If I like you, anyone will like you.” Kurapika tells Killua, who is sitting across from him in his apartment. 

Kilua drinks his Diet Coke from a mug and nods. “Thank you. That's high praise.” 

“You fucking bet it is.” Kurapika gives him a smirk, then chugs the rest of his wine in his mug, before pouring himself more.

Killua laughs at that and turns to Gon, his hand resting on his chin seriously. Gon isn’t paying attention to either of them, he is concentrating too hard on the Scrabble board. Gon groans. 

“Guys, I can’t find any words for this.” Gon says while Leorio is helping him with his Scrabble pieces. 

“How do you only have vowels? How does that even happen?” Leorio says in bewilderment, the letters in question in his hand. 

“I have the best luck ever.” Gon says. It’s been a couple of weeks since Gon’s appointment. Kurapika demanded they have Killua over their apartment, and Gon excitedly agreed as long as he doesn’t bring up stabbing anymore. Kurapika agreed (begrudgingly).

Leorio takes a sip of cheap grocery store wine, and winces. He winces everytime, but still goes back for more as he frowns down at the wooden Scrabble pieces. 

Kurapika twists his mouth and looks at the board, Killua is beating him by a couple of points. He hates losing, and frankly he is tired of playing, so he picks up the pieces in Leorio's hand, looks at them contemplating for a bit then chucks them across the room. His face blank. “Okay Killua wins, let's move on.” Kurapika says. 

“KURAPIKA!” Gon shouts, getting up to gather the tossed pieces. 

“KURAPIKA YOU CAN’T JUST THROW BOARD GAMES EVERY TIME YOU LOSE!” Leorio shouts angrily as he shakes his boyfriend. Killua laughs as he gets up to gather the tossed pieces with Gon. 

“Yes I can bitch. Anyway, moving on.” Kurapika says lamely. 

Killua looks around for them, finding one under the raised potted plant. “Hey Gon,” he says and Gon goes over to him. “There's some here under this plant.”

“It's a dracena marginata, I gave them that.” Gon says, smiling as he pets the leaves of the plant. Killua watches smiling. 

“Are you petting the plant?” 

“Yes.” 

“Gon, do not harass our child.” Leorio says from his spot on Kurapika’s lap now. Killua does a double take. 

“Isn’t he heavy Kurapika?” Killua asks. 

Kurapika, who has his arm slung over Leorio’s waist, lazily shrugs. “Nah,” he says and closes his eyes. 

Gon pulls at Killua’s shirt and Killua turns to him. “He gets sleepy when he drinks wine.” Gon says. 

“You wanna go soon?” Killua asks, understanding. 

Gon nods his head. Gon gets up from his crouching position and goes over to his friends. He wraps his arms around Leorio and Kurapika, then moves back. “Hey, we are gonna head out.” He dumps the Scrabble pieces on the coffee table. 

“You guys are leaving so soon?” Leorio asks, but he doesn’t seem disappointed, his hands beginning to comb through Kurapika’s blonde hair as Kurapika hums back. 

“It's like eleven, we’ve been here since four thirty.” Killua says, smiling as he grabs his bag. 

“Alright, drive safe.” Leorio says. 

“I will.” Killua gives him a thumbs up as they move out of the apartment quickly, before anything can escalate between Leorio and Kurapika.

“Have fun driving eight hours tomorrow!” Kurapika yells. 

“We will!” Gon says, waving animatedly as they walk through the door.

Gon and Killua wrap their arms around each other as they walk down the dimly lit hallway. 

“I made us a mixtape for the road.” Killua says. 

“What did you name it?” Gon asks, judgement prepared in his voice. 

“I thought you could name it.” 

“Oh, okay, let me think.” 

“Okay.” Killua says as they walk pressed together in comfortable silence. Killua feels his face flush from the warmth of their close proximity. They’ve decided they were dating while they were hanging out together a few days ago. Though neither of them truly confessed, it was still obvious how they both felt. There isn’t really another way to describe each other other than a partner. Other than boyfriends. 

Gon had asked if they wanted to go on a date-date. And Killua looked around the coffee shop, looked down at the hot chocolate Gon had bought him and looked back up at Gon, who was messing with his hands in his lap. 

“Is this not a date?” Killua had asked. “We are on a date now. We can be dating now if you want?” 

Gon smiled so brightly at him then, as he nodded happily. “Yes. I would like that.” He had said.

So, when Gon had mentioned going to Mito’s sometime Killua offered to drive him, to go with him, to meet his mom. And Gon had given him that same smile, and Killua knew this was the right decision regardless of how fast paced it feels. 

Killua’s been falling asleep spooning his pillow lately, imagining fantasies where he and Gon live together, so it’s only really fair he allows himself to move forward with his fast paced mind. 

When he and Gon made it to the elevator, they unlocked from each other's arms and raced to press the down button. Gon squeals and laughs while Killua pushes him out of the way so he can press it. 

“That is not fair Killua, you played dirty.” Gon says as he pouts. Killua shoves him playfully and ignores his whining. 

They stand back side by side watching the elevator lights blink. “Wanna guess which one is gonna open first.”

“Left.” Gon says. 

“You always choose left.” Killua says, rolling his eyes. 

Gon smiles and shrugs. “I’m manifesting it.” Then Gon’s eyes get wide “KILLUA THAT'S IT!” He screams excitedly. 

“Gon come on, don’t scream in the hallway.” Killua says to him, as he shoves him. 

“Sorry,” he says and he smiles and Killua knows he doesn’t really mean it as he continues “but that can be the name of the mixtape. The manifestation manifesto.” 

“That's so bad, I love it.” Killua says smiling. Then the lights blink, and the elevator door opens. 

“You were wrong.” Killua says pointing to the right elevator. 

“But it was still _right._ ” Gon says as he skips to the door. Killua follows, exasperated and he lets Gon click the lobby button.

The doors close, and the elevator creaks and the lights flicker and Killua looks at Gon, and Gon turns his face to him. 

Gon grabs Killua’s jacket and pulls his head down. “Come down here.” Gon says as his breath tickles Killua’s neck. 

“Okay.” Killua says, giving in. He lowers his head and Gon tilts his up, and their lips meet, and it's not the first time Gon has ever kissed Killua, and it's not the first time he ever kissed anyone, but every time their lips meet, it feels like the first time. It feels warm and tingly and special. 

Killua and Gon break apart and smile at each other. Killua grabs Gon and presses against him in an embrace. His hand curling into his jacket fabric on his back as Gon nuzzles his face into Killua’s collarbone. He is on his tiptoes. Killua is bowing down with his knees bent. They meet each other halfway. 

“Tell me something romantic.” Gon says. 

“We’re in a sketchy elevator.” 

“Yeah, so draw me up a nice picture.” 

Killua laughs and the elevator shakes and they go silent. “Okay, but don’t look at me.” Killua says. 

“Easy. Don’t wanna let go anyway.” Gon says. 

Killua smiles wide, cheeks burning. It's silent. The elevator gurgles. 

“I am a tree, and you shake my branches. My love falls like leaves at your feet.” Killua breathes out, feeling brave. 

“What's that from?” Gon mumbles. 

“Me.” Killua says. 

“I thought you write scary stuff like horror.” 

“I do. Love? It's very scary.” 

Gon shifts, opens his eyes and pulls far enough back to look at him, he smiles soft and delicate, crooked and intimate. 

“You? Scared?” Gon says, grabbing Killua's hand. “If you wanted to hold hands so badly you could have just asked.” 

Killua laughs at that and squeezes his hand. “I hate you.” 

“No you don't, you write pretty love sonnets about me.”

“That was not a sonnet, do you even know what a sonnet is?” 

“Honestly? Not really, do you?”

“Kind of.” 

“Let's just keep pretending we know things, and let's blindly go through life head on.”

“That sounds exciting.” 

“It'll be fun. Everything is fun with you. I don’t remember the last time I was this excited to sit in a car for like eight hours.” 

“Eight hours is nothin’. It’ll go by fast with you beside me.” Killua says, Gon hums back and the elevator dings and they swing their arms and they walk out skipping. 

* * *

Driving eighty miles an hour on the highway makes Gon feel like he’s flying, the hours they spent in the car going by fast.

They got on the road around six am. Gon made Killua stop to pee four times, apologizing every time, but Killua just laughed, put on his turn signal, and said he was expecting lots of detours. It’ll be more fun that way. 

It's nine thirty now, They’re sitting across from each other at a McDonald’s, shoving food into their mouths. 

Gon watches Killua swallow his food down with a fucking soda at nine am in the morning, and he thinks he is the best person in the whole world. 

A realization dawns on Gon, he never truly confessed. 

“Hey,” Gon says, staring at Killua across from him at a lopsided table in McDonald’s. “Can I confess now or what?” 

Killua, in the middle of eating a whole hotcake in one bite, looks at him. “What?” he asks, his mouth full of pancakes and cheap syrup packets. 

“I never got to properly confess, since someone, not naming names,” Gon kicks him under the table. “Doesn’t understand that I really like you is romantic, and you didn’t let me tell you at the donut place, even though it was kinda our first date because you bought me food.” 

Killua swallows, “That donut place hadn’t been renovated since the 70’s and the cashier smelled like weed.” 

“Still a date. You bought me food.” Gon says, taking a bite of his hash browns and giving Killua a look.

Killua narrows his eyes. “It was four am and you didn’t have a fucking wallet. Also you just had a breakdown, what was I gonna do? Have you Venmo me? No fucking way, thats hella rude.” 

“Okay, but admit it was a date.” Gon isn’t backing down. 

Killua cuts his hotcakes with the fork, sticks as much on his fork as he can, and dips it in his maple syrup. “I was in pajamas and you looked like you had just cried for five hours and hadn’t slept or showered in two days.” He sticks the pancakes in his mouth. Cheeks puffing out comically.

Gon smiles at that as he rolls his eyes, his tea hot in his hand now. “I didn’t even cry that much before you came, and two days is not a long time to go without showering—weren’t you homeless?”

“Stop exaggerating about that, we weren’t actually homeless, that's offensive to real homeless people that the government neglects.” Killua takes a bite out of bacon and looks at him curiously. “What do you consider a long time for not showering?” 

“Like not counting if you’re camping?” Gon asks, he eats his McGriddle—without meat, extra egg. 

Killua nods. “Yeah, like, purely out of neglect.” 

“For me, a week.” 

“Fair enough, okay, so you just looked—” 

“I can not believe you are calling your boyfriend ugly. That's mean, Killua.” 

“I am NOT calling you ugly, you just looked bad at that time.” 

Gon laughs loudly at that, food gets spit out and Killua looks at him in a mixture of fondness and disgust. “That's not what you said while we cuddled.” Gon says in between laughter. 

Killua reaches over and wipes the food off Gon’s shirt for him. “Yeah, well, I was trying to make you feel better.” He says.

Gon smiles at the warmth Killua’s finger leaves in his chest. “Did I smell bad?” 

Killua laughs, and begins choking on his food, he takes a sip of his Mountain Dew. Swallowing, Killua looks at Gon. “I don’t remember. It was like a couple of weeks ago.” 

“I bet I smelled bad.” 

“I mean, to be fair, I probably did too.” 

“You smelled okay, just a little sweaty.” 

“Why do you remember what I smelled like.” 

“That night is burned into my memory.” 

“Me too.” Killua says, earnestly, whole heartedly. It was important to both of them. The donut he got greasy and warm, mixed with the milk he bought was the best thing he ever ate. Every meal he eats with Gon suddenly becomes the best thing he’s ever eaten. Even the gas station pretzel they bought and shared. The pretzel: cardboard and salt, the cheese: plastic and yellow. Gon’s disgusted face as he kept eating it was priceless. 

“Okay Gon,” Killua smiles at him, sitting up straight. “You can do it now.” 

“Do what now?” Gon asks, his mouth twisted as he chews. 

Killua rolls his eyes. “Gon, the confession?” 

“Oh yeah! Wait, should I wait until we aren’t in the McDonald’s?” Gon asks as he grabs a napkin, wiping his face against the rough brown paper. 

Killua shakes his head. He’s done waiting. “No, I like this ambiance. Plus we have to get back on the road by 10:30.” 

“True. Okay, here it goes.” Gon takes out his phone and opens the notes app.

Killua chokes on his last bite of pancake. “What the fuck? Gon did you write it down?” He asks, interested and amused. 

Gon nods, no shame, as always. “Yeah, I came up with something good and I was gonna text you, but texting it didn’t feel right, and I figured since you're like a cool english major you would appreciate a monologue. A Gonologue, if you will.” 

“Oh my god. Why are you like this?” Killua puts his head in his hands, as he holds in laughter. 

“My neuron synapses are flawed? I don’t know.” Gon shrugs. 

“Shut up, you’re perfect.” Killua says, he sips his soda loudly. 

“Okay, are you going to let me confess now or what?” 

“Yeah, okay go ahead and read your flashcards.” 

“It's on the notes app.” 

“Oh god. Can’t you just confess like a normal person?” 

“Um I tried that, thrice, and someone didn’t notice.” 

“Just try winging it.” 

“Okay fine.” Gon huffs annoyed, he turns his phone off and places it on the table facedown, dramatically. He looks up at Killua as Killua waits. Multiple long silent seconds pass. “Now I feel stressed, you put me on the spot.” Gon says. 

“YOU ASKED!” Killua laughs as he throws his hands up exasperated. 

“How do I do this? See, this is why I had it all written down.” Gon sulks, leanings back in his chair. The ripped plastic cushion is bright red against his hunter green sweater. Killua admires the green against his tanned olive skin, his dark hair and large brown eyes, they twinkle and glow under the fluorescent lights. Killua looks at Gon, and he thinks he looks so beautiful in this random McDonald’s off an exit from the highway. 

“Be spontaneous, you always are. Tell me how I make you feel.” Killua says, their legs hooked together under the table. 

“You make me feel good.” Gon says, and they both laugh at that, as they stare lovingly across the cheap commercial table.

Killua grins at him. “I thought we both agreed to not use the word good anymore.” 

“Right, sorry, okay,” Gon thinks, and Killua admires his thinking face while he continues. “You make me want to get my life together you know? Like write my essay a week before its due, and like, eat vegetables—” 

Killua cuts him off. “Wait, do you not eat vegetables—aren’t you vegetarian? what do you even eat?” 

Gon shrugs. “I don’t know, vegan mac ‘n cheese and frozen burritos.” He replies casually. 

“That is not good.” Killua states, as he smiles crooked at Gon. 

“Can we go back to me confessing? If that's okay with you.” Teasing. Banter slips easily from their lips.

“Oh right, sorry, I got distracted by your bad eating habits, please continue.” 

“You’re drinking fucking Mountain Dew at 9am, you can’t judge me.” 

“It's basically the same thing as coffee, caffeine wise.”

“Anyway, moving on, it's totally not the same as coffee, but moving on, you make me want to like, I don't know, file taxes, and like, be an adult. And that means a lot.” 

“Hm,” Killua hums, his smile catlike, his canines showing. “This confession kind of sucks.” 

“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO DO IT ON THE SPOT!” Gon shouts, Killua puts a hand on his shoulder and shushes him. He quiets down at that. “Well, I did have one written and everything.” 

Killua runs his hand down Gon’s arm and grabs his hand. He is giving in, he always planned on giving in anyway. “Fine, fine, go ahead and read it.”

“Thank you, darling.” 

“Oh, shut up and passionately read me your confession.” 

“Okay, are you ready?” Gon asks as he picks up his phone, unlocking it to where he had left off. 

“Ready as I will ever be.” Killua smiles. Soft, and sweet, like his pancakes, like his soda, like how he feels with Gon. 

Gon goes silent as he stares at his written speech. “Oh,” he says. “Actually, this is very long.” 

Killua snorts. “So? read it out loud.” 

“YOU KNOW WHAT?” Gon shouts, his face contorted into an annoyed look, which makes Killua laugh hard from his belly.

“What?” He breathes out. 

“I am doing all the work here, you read it.” Gon says stubbornly. 

“Uh, okay? Kinda weird way to confess, write a passionate speech then make the confessee read it?” 

“Killua,” Gon says, tired. 

Killua laughs at that. “OKAY, okay, hand it over Romeo.” Killua takes his free hand, the one not holding Gon’s and opens his palm out, letting Gon place his phone, heavy and trusting, into his open palm. Killua picks it up, the screen lit towards him as he looks at the paragraphs. The beige and yellow notes app stares back, standard font, the date, and his cursor. 

Killua clears his throat. “I think my earliest memory is of when I was in preschool and the teacher was telling me to color inside the lines. And I, being a child, had thought it was boring and dull and I, being stubborn, had _really_ not wanted to do that. So, I stood up and screamed NO! And I just scribbled all over it, and then everyone in class followed me and we all started scribbling outside the lines and screaming and crying, bright waxy crayons everywhere—that was the first time I was ever the leader of a revolution.” Killua looks up at Gon impressed. “Gon, this is a fantastic hook, I am sorry I ever doubted you.” 

“KILLUA” Gon whines, he’s blushing, embarrassed at hearing his own words. He is letting himself be vulnerable, he is becoming shy. Killua (thoroughly enjoying that too much) decides he won’t tease anymore. 

“Sorry sorry, I’ll be serious now.” Killua says, he squeezes Gon’s hand, his legs tangled with Gon’s under the table. 

Gon breathes as Killua continues reading his words. “It felt awesome. I had gotten into lots of trouble, but it’s still a good memory. Thinking back, getting a bunch of kids to color outside the lines is a lot easier than it is for me to color in them. You know? Like, in life all we are told is to color inside the lines, and I think it’s stupid. I don’t want to do that stuff. I don’t want lots of money or a big house. I definitely don’t want a pretty wife, and I don’t even care about having a stable job. I don’t want to take medication so that I can ‘fit in’ with society but I have to. And that's life for me. And it sucks. And I used to hate doing all that stuff. I used to hate the idea of settling down, and doing repetitive stuff like washing dishes, and brushing my teeth twice a day, everyday the rest of my life. Or even coloring inside a coloring book with lines someone else drew, but I think, maybe if I am with you, things won’t be so boring.” Killua breathes in good and deep and doesn’t look up at Gon. His phone heavy in his hand, his heart racing, his hands shake a bit. Gon squeezes the hand that's in his. Warm and reassuring. 

Killua continues. “And we can share toothpaste, and brush our teeth making faces at each other in the mirror. And we can wash dishes side by side, I’ll wash them because you hate touching old food, hand them to you when they’re clean, you’ll dry them or put them in the dishwasher for me. We can fold laundry together, we can make art together. You can draw the lines, and I’ll color. Things will be _even better_ , when we are together. I really like you. I like who I am with you, hell, I’d even like coloring inside the lines with you.” 

Killua finishes. He puts the phone down on the table and looks up at Gon. 

Gon looks at him, really looks at him. Really sees him. “Does that sound good to you?” Gon asks. “Am I being crazy?”

Killua wants to cry, he feels it expand in his chest, he is so happy. “That sounds like a dream.” He says, honestly. He is saying his words now. No one else's. “You and me washing dishes, maybe there's a cat there, maybe there's a dog, you laugh and flick soap at me— Come on!” He grabs Gon’s other hand, holding both of them across the table now. “You're describing my favorite bedtime story right now. I fall asleep to that fantasy.” 

Gon smiles and squeezes. Killua grins and unhooks and rehooks their legs together, tighter this time. “So, yes it sounds _good_ to me, yes it's kinda crazy, but I like it, and you know what I like even better than that? You. Just being around you is enough.” He says. “You make me so happy.” 

Gon can’t stop his face from smiling. “You make my cheeks hurt every time we are together.” He tells him. 

Killua laughs at that. “Me too, you’re gonna give me massive wrinkles.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll still like you even if you’re wrinkly.” 

“Thank you, I appreciate the devotion.” 

“As you should, It's what you deserve.” 

“What on earth did I do to deserve you?” 

“Nothing. You don’t need to deserve me, I just like you an awful lot.” Gon says in all seriousness. And they lean forward to meet their noses across the McDonald's table. They wiggle them together and laugh breathily, and things are so good. 

* * *

Killua is driving, things are good. Gon is sleeping in the passenger seat. He fell asleep fifteen minutes ago. The heaviness of their breakfast finally weighing in his stomach, the hashbrowns greasy and salty in all the right ways. 

Killua shifts the stick shift, he sings along to a mixtape he made recently. This one titled something Gon came up with it. The Regrettes play, he hums with their lovesick lyrics. Feeling the same. 

He turns, and watches as Gon sleeps, his patterned sock feet on the clothed seat, his head against the window. 

Killua brushes his hair with his fingers, Gon stirs and he continues driving. 

He thinks that maybe he should be nervous to meet Mito, but he’s not. He’s never nervous with Gon by his side. 

Gon starts humming, he opens his eyes and peaks at Killua. He smiles crooked and shifts in his seat. He has so much to say, but he’s tired, his mouth doesn’t want to move. 

So he turns to look out the windshield and watches the clouds move fast ahead of them, he watches the cars drive forward, and Killua hums in time with him, perfectly in sync. And Gon thinks he is bored. 

He’s so bored and he loves it. He wants to be bored with Killua the whole car ride. Do nothing but hum and smile and yawn. He wants to rest in the passenger seat, the car heater thumping, the motor loud on the highway. His easy breaths and Killua’s humming. 

Gon leans his head back and closes his eyes. Distantly thinking to himself, this is where he wants to be. Forever. 

Sitting here breathing the cycling air with Killua, by Killua’s side in comfortable warm silence. Bored. 

Killua nudges Gon. “You bored?” Killua asks. 

Gon smiles. “With you? Never.” 

Killua laughs. And they continue driving. Listening to the music and each other’s breaths. 

Gon turns to Killua. “Are we there yet?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might actually cry, it didn't hit me that this was the end until everyone was commenting saying they were sad about it ending soon. and now as I am typing up my last authors note for this fic, it's hitting me.  
> Seriously, thank you to every single one of you that has read and enjoyed this fic, all of you that have kudos and bookmarked and left the sweetest comments of my life, I love you guys all sm.  
> the most special shout out to my gf and editor Rosie @sunnysideblonde for editing this fic for me, which means fixing all my spelling errors and laughing at them with (at) me. Thank you for your time, and dedication you put in with my edits for my angsty slice of life.  
> I hope you guys enjoyed the happy ending you've been waiting for!  
> Thank you so much for reading! I will see you all soon. stay safe xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I am really excited to share this project I am working on with you all!  
> Some warnings for this fic:  
> Gon has mental health disorder(s), they will be revealed in time. There is discussion of suicide, death, child abuse, and homophobia/transphobia.  
> SPECIAL THANKS to my GIRLFRIEND and editor @sunnysideblonde :-) thanks brosie <3!! and as she said, Its not a Lu fic if theres no angst!!
> 
> Thanks for reading this chapter! There is no set schedule because I am a hyperactive fire sign first and a writer second.  
> ANYWAY I hope you enjoyed this and keep reading when I update!  
> You can follow me on tumblr @disastergaykillua or on instagram @lunartlu <3  
> xoxo


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